Friday, September 30, 2005

Buck-Fifty Spent

No, ladies and gentlemen, the website for Go-Karts Plus Action Park is not a child's website design project that received a failing grade. It wasn't created back in 1995 by someone and forgotten. And it (probably) wasn't created by accident when chimps escaped the zoo and banged randomly on a computer in an internet cafe before being tranquilized.

Nope. This appears to be the actual, real site for an actual, real amusement center that is currently operating. Yikes.

Oh, we love all the spinning things. We love all the tender care that must have gone into building the site, all three or four minutes of it. And we sure love crappy spinning clip art, yes we do. Especially when the website draws attention to the crappy spinning clip art by thanking someone "for the 'cool' animations he has available for free" and claiming that "[w]ithout his 'stuff' our site would be a snooooooze!" And we also love that the website advertises that the management have the idea that someday they might offer some sort of web discount, but, just to clarify, they aren't doing it right now.

By the way, we also love lots of professional-looking swarms of exclamation points and scare quotes. IT'S ALIVE!!!

And hey, if 867,456,235 Visitors (and counting!) have seen this site, then it must be awesome.

In short, we think this is the best corporate website ever designed for a buck-fifty. That's why it's the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.


Thursday, September 29, 2005

Enthusiast's Friend's Wife Knows a Little Too Much About Amusement Parks

According to local coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 33, he recently grew very suspicious of his friend's wife. The reason for this newfound suspicion was a conversation he had with the couple, Ricardo and Donna Neywitz, while staying at their house.

"Ricardo and I had just spent the whole day at Knoebels," reports James. "We came home and joined Donna for a glass of wine. Everything was normal at first; we talked mostly about the morons we all have to work with, and I asked them why they keep insisting, against all evidence and taste, that Roadhouse and Red Dawn are actually decent movies. The usual. But then, Donna started asking questions about Knoebels."

This was where, James asserted, things got "freaky."

"I sort of assumed Donna was just being polite and feigning interest so we'd be excited," said the enthusiast. "But then after the general questions about how the crowds were or did we have a good time, she asked if we'd managed to snap the cables on the Flyers. I think I actually spat some wine on myself."

And it only got more creepy from there, he notes. "The Flyers question was weird enough, but it got stranger! She asked how the airtime was on Phoenix, and said 'I hope you rode in the orange train's third seat, right?' And when we told her that Whirlwind had been removed, she said she had hated that coaster because it was 'such a damn headbanger.'"

James has apparently already alerted local authorities to the fact that Ricardo Neywitz's wife has obviously been abducted and replace by an alien or a deadly robot.


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Role Playing a Failure

Tim and Amy Fitzsimmons have been married for five years and are looking to start a family soon. To spice up their love life, Amy recently suggested the couple engage in role playing. They agreed to trade off being responsible for each week's theme, choosing the week's concept as well as any necessary props.

Amy says that trial run went very well. "My idea was that Tim was a knight and I was the damsel trapped in the castle. He had on some naughty chain mail while I let my hair down and wore some revealing lingerie. It was some of the best sex we have had in some time," she blushed.

However, the highs reversed themselves when Tim took charge. "Oh yeah, I was ready!" he said confidently. "I knew I had to come through with something special. That's why I felt we should be the hot coaster operator and the enthusiast that wants space at his lap bar. I got her a Beast thong from some coaster site and a Mantis t-shirt I wore when I had my summer job at the Point. All I wore was a patch jacket. I thought it was going to be as hot as California Screamin's LSMs!"

Amy was not so amused. She said that an old t-shirt was not sexy and seeing Tim's gut push apart the vest made her dry up faster than a waterpark after Labor Day. "It just wasn't hot. We could have been lost in the woods, he could have been my pool boy Pepito, or we could have had a threesome with Tammy next door. Instead he chooses to pretend we're banging below a B&M coaster. That's great."

As of this printing Tim and Amy have done some further role playing but she has chosen all of the concepts. She mused that she might let him start choosing themes after Phun Phest, but even then they will have to be approved.

Japan Trip Breaking News Recap, Part II

We continue here with our special limited edition collector's leather-bound presentation of the entire ACE/ECC Japan Trip breaking news. If you enjoy the collected headlines here, be sure to read the article directly below this one, which contains the remainder of the recap.

Ed. Note: Those fun-loving folks at the ECC have blocked all referrers. We really don't want them to have to do that, so we've changed the links below to those of the full report pages from the relevant days. ECC folks: we won't link direct to your pictures again, so you can unblock other referrers if you like.

Scandalous Photographic Evidence Comes to Light: Signature Move Not Done Back on Day Three

Richard Nixon Spotted During Browse of ACE/ECC Japan Trip Archives

ARN&R Writers and Editors Constantly Hit Refresh, Praying For Day 14 Pictures

Telly Savalas Replaced as Spokesman for Player With Yourself Club Card

ECC and ACE Members Now Keeping Track of Number of Times They Jack Off to POV Footage

Mysterious Odor Overwhelms Ride Attendants

"That's very funny. Now tell us why you really came all the way to Japan. Our viewers will never believe this 'roller coaster' business."

"What's this stuff all over the lap bar?"

Because Paying $5,000 For One Shithole Wasn't Enough

On Day Thirteen, Signature Move Interferes With Ride Restraint

The Spirit Of Ace, Part III

...And They're Strangely Painting The Stairway to Heaven

Nothing Like Traveling Halfway Around The World To Visit A Shithole

Day 12 And The Signature Move Is Still Going Strong

Who Would Have Thought Shoes Could Get That Worn Out With No Physical Exertion Besides Standing In Line?

Japanese Parks Learn From Six Flags Theming and Landscaping

Steel Dragon, Roped Into Group Picture, Tries to Pretend it Doesn't Know Enthusiasts

Buffet, Lacking Gravy, Sits Untouched

James Woods Falls Asleep On Japanese Coaster

Ratt's Drummer Enjoys New Look

Friendly Local Provides Enthusiast With Sign Reading "I Am A Huge Nerd."

Hulk Mad. Hulk Smash Japan.

"It's Day Eleven, And I'm Totally Committed To My Signature Move."

--The ARN&R Staff
Japan Trip Breaking News Recap

Due to the volume of fanatical support (well, three adoring emails and a girlfriend of one of our writers actually sort of chuckling, or perhaps involuntarily grimacing, at something on the site for once) we've received over our series of ACE/ECC Japan Trip breaking news reports, we've decided to take the unusual step of reproducing that entire series in more permanent form here at ARN&R. Although some of the Japan news will remain in rotation until replaced within the usual Breaking News section, those headlines will also be collected here in two parts for your pleasure through the rest of eternity.

Additionally, the Japan trip breaking news will also be made available in a breathtaking special limited-edition encyclopedia version, in three volumes handsomely bound in rich Corinthian leather and hand-signed by the ARN&R staff. Each set will sell for the low, low short-time offer of $1,345,222.03 per set, so hurry and get this amazing family heirloom while supplies last.

Ed. Note: Those fun-loving folks at the ECC have blocked all referrers. We really don't want them to have to do that, so we've changed the links below to those of the full report pages from the relevant days. ECC folks: we won't link direct to your pictures again, so you can unblock other referrers if you like.

Japanese Parkgoer Puzzled By Presumed American Custom Of Long White Socks With Dark Shoes

"OMG I'm In DDR Mecca!!"

A Sea of Tools

Japanese Park Installs Blinders In Effort To Protect Patrons From Sight of Enthusiasts

So Many Cameras, So Little Worth Photographing

Why Ride This at Wild Adventures When I Can Ride It In Japan?

This Credit Is So Worth $5,000

The Spirit of ACE, or We Travelled All the Way to Japan to Ride Your Kiddie Coasters

The Spirit of ACE Part II

ACErs Ask Buddha Statue For Directions To McDonald's

ACErs Curse Absence of Duran Duran, Metal Ballads on Japanese Radio

ACEr Spends Eighteen Dollars Calling Mom From Japan To Have Her Set VCR To Record Discovery Channel Special

Japanese Hotel Staff Puzzled By Volume Of Sweat, Other Excretions On Sheets

English-Speaking Enthusiasts Quickly Pick Up Japanese Words for "Tool," "Bad Smell," "Loser," and "Annoying" After Hearing Them Constantly During Trip

Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, Gamera, Ghidora, Mechagodzilla, Iron Chef Italian Lay Aside Differences, Launch Full-Scale Attack on Invading Coaster Enthusiasts

Japanese Scientists Report Unusual Increase in Seismic Activity This Week

In Unrelated News, ACE and ECC Arrive in Japan This Week

ACErs Arrive in Japan, God Sends Rain To Deter Them From Staying

In Related News, Japanese Authorities Report Pork Supplies Low

Godzilla Recoils in Terror at Sight of ACErs

Sushi Restaurant Rejects Request for Gravy

Japanese Kiddie Park Goers Puzzled By Wacky "Rowing" Motion While On Kiddie Coaster Lift Hill

Also By Presence Of Grown Adults On Kiddie Coaster

ACErs Refuse To Stop Singing Mr. Roboto

--The ARN&R Staff

Monday, September 26, 2005

Enthusiast Upset With Stronger Sail-Whipping Rules

Long a lover of the legendary Flyers flat ride, Roger Kratchof, 40, was stupified upon his recent visit to Knoebels Amusement Park. It had been two years since the enthusiast had visited the park, and new to him was the installed-during-late-2004 sign at the Flyers warning visitors: "Please Do Not Whip the Sails." This sign caused Kratchof considerable outrage.

"When did they put this crap here?" asked the befuddled man, who obviously hadn't seen all the enthusiast whining online when the sign first went up last year. "There's nothing wrong with whipping the sails. It's a perfectly normal part of the sexual experience."

"This new harsher regulation is a blatant attempt by Knoebels to stigmatize and ostracize those of us who have healthy experimental sex lives," he added. "But what's next at this place of intolerance, I ask you? First they take away whipping, next maybe they'll forbid dressing the Flyers in leather or pulling out the handcuffs . Then maybe they won't let you rub whipped cream and chocolate all over the ride and seductively lick it off."

"The no-whipping regulation is not at all an attempt by Knoebels to keep people from practicing whatever sexual activities they wish in the privacy of their own homes, or maybe in the campground as long as they aren't too loud," said Taylor McGuffin, a representative of the park who wished to remain nameless. "We simply felt that enthusiasts were unfairly exposing the Flyers to acts of bondage that could be physically harmful to this classic ride, as well as mildly freak out the poor children who were waiting in line."

"Cleaning up all the semen stains after those leather-clad enthusiasts whipped their sails was getting to be pretty disgusting, too," said McGuffin, who once again asked that his name not be divulged.

The park released a statement to the press that indicated that enthusiasts would still be allowed to role-play ("the deviant 380-pound German maid and the helpless underage pool-boy" was one suggestion), engage in foot fetishism, wear diapers, and talk dirty to the Flyers, but that the decision to ban whipping would not be reconsidered.


Wednesday, September 21, 2005

It's About Time, Isn't It?

Yeah, we know. You've all been pining for a new Site O' the Weak, haven't you? Especially poor, pathetic Ed Alonzo, who has technically been up there for weeks. Well, Ed has had his day in the sun and it's time to move on.

And what could possibly be the choice as the Site O' the Weak makes its dramatic return? Why, it's the ECC/ACE Japan Trip Report Page, naturally. As you may be aware, our Breaking News has primarily consisted of mocking the photos within this very website for a good two weeks now. But we aren't ready for the fun to stop. First off, Site O' the Weak award. And, there is sure to be more coverage as the days go by.

We know, we're hopelessly addicted to this site. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Hey, at least we've made it that far. We'll worry about those other eleven pesky steps some other time!


Monday, September 19, 2005

Conductor Punished for Annoyingly Stupid Joke

So I was walking around on the Upper East Side the other day, and this foreign couple comes up to me. They say, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" So I tell them- get this- "Practice!"

So went the "joke" that a guest conductor recently bequeathed upon the annoyed members of the New Britain Symphony Orchestra during a rehearsal last weekend. Although he still professes that the joke is hilarious, as evidenced by his open snickering and clutching at his spleen immediately after he told it, it has landed him in hot water. A judge at the New Britain Superior Court today found him guilty of first-degree gross irritation.

"That was the worst joke I've ever heard," said the Honorable Judge William H. Childers, the man who handed down the verdict. "It's so stupid I actually became physically ill when it was repeated in court. Those poor musicians; how they must have suffered."

In addition to the sheer fact that the joke sucked, the conductor was faced with the damning court testimony of seventeen orchestra members, all of whom claimed they had heard the joke from someone else, and thought it completely sucked shit, as long ago as fifteen years. This cast serious doubt as to whether the alleged incident had actually even occurred on the Upper East Side and had involved the defendant.

The conductor was sentenced to fourteen straight days in the back seat of nearby Lake Compounce's Zoomerang, a Vekoma Boomerang clone noted for its ability to inflict unspeakable pain and agony. Human rights organizations plan to protest the sentence as cruel and unusual punishment.

"It's too bad the Riverside Black Widow isn't still around," said one disappointed musician who just happened to be knowledgeable about roller coasters. "That would have been a much better punishment. But the Zoomerang will still put some decent stank on his ass."


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Six Flags To Sell Mr. Six

Saying that his various parts are worth more to shareholders than his promotional value for the chain, Six Flags Theme Parks announced today that it would begin an auctioning process to sell the organs and other parts of chain mascot Mr. Six.

"We've had a great run with Mr. Six," said Kieran Burke in a prepared statement. "We're very proud of our ability to simultaneously promote our parks and creep out a substantial percentage of the population over the last eighteen months. We are grateful to all of those who danced like, didn't turn off the TV during, or merely gazed with an annoyed look at Mr. Six, and we're hopeful that his parts will improve the health of at least two Americans. Or Chinese. I hear there's a better market for human organs there."

Mr. Six is expected to continue in some role through the Halloween events at the various Six Flags parks, with his euthanization and organ harvesting taking place on the final day of Six Flags Magic Mountain's Frightfest in front of a crowd of thousands.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Football Fan Scoffs at Blackpool Ride

According to one American football fan, a ride at Blackpool Pleasure Beach is completely wrong. Unfortunately, no one in the entire country of Great Britain gives a flying rat's ass.

The erroneous ride was spotted by football lover Dave Spugwicker, 45, during a visit to Blackpool this past week. "They have this set of bumper cars," he said. "It's called the Superbowl, and the cars are themed, strangely enough, to American football players instead of, I don't know, cricket or soccer or lawn bowling or something. Kinda cute. But when I got close to the ride, I almost had an aneurysm."

According to Spugwicker, the building for the ride featured paintings of the helmets, complete with logos, for various NFL teams, except that they were all wrong.

"They obviously haven't updated this ride since the 70's," said the disgusted Spugwicker. "The Broncos had that dumb horse rearing inside a big 'D', the Bucs were that horrible eye-searing orange color, the Bengals helmet actually said 'BENGALS' instead of featuring cool tiger stripes. The Jaguars and Panthers aren't even on there and the Oilers are! It's an atrocity. Don't they pay attention to the theming of their rides?"

Sadly, no one in the entire nation of Great Britain gives a shit. "Who cares?" was the only printable response received. Nonetheless, Spugwicker tells ARN&R that he will be initiating a letter-writing campaign to have the terrible and misleading ride theming altered.


Monday, September 05, 2005

Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day Edition

In celebration of reports that the ACE/ECC coaster trip in Japan has thus far been spoiled by rainouts at parks the tour group has visited, we present today a Very Special Episode of ARN&R. For the rest of the US, this is Labor Day; for ARN&R it shall be Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day. All throughout this magical holiday, we'll update you with the reams of breaking news that keeps pouring in to us regarding the ACE/ECC trip. Keep your eyes on our left sidebar for all the action as we report it.

And, most importantly, have a safe and festive Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day.