Thursday, March 06, 2003

S&S/Arrow Announces New Standup Coaster Featuring Soft Little Fuzzy Bunnies In Sensitive Areas

S&S/Arrow announced today its new line of launched inverted stand-up coasters. Along with Arrow's trademark roughness and utter lack of transitions, and S&S's utter lack of reliability, the ride will have something new: soft little fuzzy bunnies attached to each seat to protect male riders from discomfort. The move is thought to come in reaction to recent stories about nipple burn caused by Vekoma restraints.

"I used to love riding standup coasters, but I hated what it did to my lil' bag of fun," said Stan Checketts, S&S/Arrow's CEO, referring to the bicycle-seat-style of seat common on older standup coasters. "I'd be sore for days, especially when I followed it up with naked mechanical bull-riding while being whipped by a dozen angry howler monkeys on acid. So the other day, while sitting in a bathtub of lemon juice giving myself paper cuts, it came to me: bunnies in the crotch! It'll be great!"

Noted professional enthusiast Paul Ruben was ecstatic over the news. "I love coasters, and I love bunnies, and I love my crotch. Put them all together, and I'm as happy as I can be! Unless, of course, you get me on television. I like that better than coasters or bunnies or my crotch."

Checketts is still resolving the issues of maintaining the bunnies' health while attached to the ride. They are expected to be fastened down with garden-variety power staplers (with ride operators having the new responsibility of checking the staples and restapling if tearing occurs), but providing food and water may be a challenge. S&S/Arrow is reportedly considering using its patented thrust-air technology to force into their digestive system a specially designed feed consisting of ground-up chicken intenstines, cesspool water, and metal shavings.
Vekoma SLC Savages Women's Naughty Bits

We're not even going to try to top this one today. Truth is stranger (and more ridiculous) than fiction. Check out the BBC webpage to witness the ultimate terror of Vekoma Nipple Burn.
S&S Announces Return of Ron Toomer, New Tower Attraction

In a news conference this morning, S&S/Arrow CEO Stan Checketts announced that former Arrow Dynamics president and chief engineer Ron Toomer was emerging from retirement to breathe new life into the legendary company (now a division of S&S Power, Inc. of Logan, UT) that he helped mold into an industry leader during the eighties and early nineties.

“This is a big day for S&S Power, as well as the amusement industry as a whole.” Checketts proclaimed, as Toomer slowly walked onstage to the sound of satisfied applause from the press and industry representatives alike. “Ron Toomer’s name is synonymous with creativity and the application of state-of-the-art technology to steel coaster design. Thanks to Mr. Toomer, parks will, once again, be able to build breathtaking new coasters with the long-lasting appeal of rides such as Six Flags Great America’s Shockwave, Kennywood’s Steel Phantom and Busch Gardens Williamburg’s Drachen Fire,” Checketts boasted to the thrilled crowd.

The press conference was cut short when Toomer ran out of the room without warning. “He’s just freakin’ psyched to be back, doing what he was born to do!” Checketts explained to the perplexed crowd. “We got him a box of wires and he’s been at his desk, bending them into all different kinds of insane shapes!” Later in the conference, S&S/Arrow spokesperson Ted Greenwood commented on Toomer’s well-known obsession, stating that his relentless wire bending has paved the way for the development of “a new kind of teardrop-shaped vertical loop that will blow our minds!”

After the conference, Checketts downed a half dozen Red Bull energy drinks and led the group to the testing area behind the company’s offices in the barren salt flats to show off his R&D team’s latest creation, dubbed the “Unbelievably Insane Sky Launcher”. Adrenaline junkies, alone or with a partner, will slip into a body harness that attaches to a bungee cord suspended between a pair of side-by-side 500-foot towers. Once harnessed, riders will be pulled backwards at a 30-degree angle to the tower and then be released to shoot through the air and into the sky, only to fall back to the ground and be caught on an air mattress waiting below. Parks also have the option of purchasing the “Hard-Core” version of the ride, which adds a massive wall of concrete directly in the flight path of the riders.

Checketts demonstrated the awesome power of the device in his usual attention-grabbing fashion by removing all of his clothes (except for his trademark sunglasses) and strapping himself into the harness, at which point he was launched skyward in his buck-naked state at an incredible speed. The bungee cord expanded to its limits, then contracted, and Checketts fell back to terra firma and landed safely on the air mattress. Undaunted, he climbed, unfortunately still naked, to the top of one of the fifty-story towers and screamed “Extreme, baby!” to the stunned crowd below.

Three of S&S Power’s new tower rides have been sold to Cedar Fair, which will operate them in its Sandusky, Allentown and Buena Park locations until the point in time when one attraction malfunctions and all three attractions are consequently removed because of it. So far, a buyer has yet to be found for one of Toomer’s new “Brain Toomer” coasters, featuring vertical loops of two different sizes. Checketts refused to answer ARN&R’s queries as to whether Toomer would actually bother to ride any of his own coasters, or whether he would merely watch as his hapless victims writhe in unspeakable agony.