Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Ride Described as "Better on TV"

Medusa, the highly-regarded B&M floorless looper at Six Flags Worlds of New Jersey Adventure, is way better on TV, claims enthusiast Donal Usher, 30.

"Everyone thinks it's so much better to see one of these things live," said Usher. "Heck, I always assumed experiencing a live coaster was way better than any other activity you could possibly do. But then I went to the park and sat there, and I realized that it's way better to see it on TV.

"First off, that park has really expensive food. The sandwiches were seven bucks. A damn Miller Lite cost me 6 bucks and came in a plastic bottle, I guess because the level of clientele at Six Flags is about like being at an Eagles game, so they're afraid of the queue area getting pelted by debris if the home team screws up, say, and doesn't run all three trains. At home, if you watch a good coaster on video or DVD, you can have lots of cheap snacks and pizza and beer right there in the fridge. Or sitting in a pile on your lap. You might also have a cute guinea pig to pat on the head, and they usually don't allow those on the actual coaster.

"Really, if you go to the coaster live, the action is way far away most of the time, and there's no instant replay or closeups. When I watched Medusa on America's Greatest Roller Coaster Thrills: The Next Generation a couple weeks ago, I noticed that you get great onboard ride footage and closeups, and you can replay all or parts of it anytime you want. They also speed up the footage to make it seem way faster, which is a cool trick you don't get live.

"And last but not least, on my DVD player, I can use freeze frame to lock Medusa in its most thrilling pose so I can masturbate in the privacy of my mom's basement. Just try that while you're doing Medusa live and in person and see what they say."

Very Special Rerun

So, you see, we're kinda busy today, and we really meant to do our homework, but we got distracted by, y'know, stuff. So we thought we'd provide our faithful readers (both of you!) with a rerun of one of our favorites that you might have missed, since it ran back when even fewer people visited. With the offseason upon us, we figure you might be looking for a hobby. No need to thank us.

Enthusiast Planning to Get Really Into Porn During Offseason

This article originally appeared last October.

As the amusement park season comes to an end, many enthusiasts start thinking about what to do with their free time during the following six months. Some do crafts, others travel, and still others obsessively visit coaster-oriented sites every 45 minutes hoping for an update on what program the flat rides at their home park will be running.

But Paul Fedder has decided to go in an entirely different direction: pornography.

"I figured, that's something I can obsess about even more disturbingly than I do coasters, it allows me to maintain my hours-at-a-time on the computer I'm already used to, and it'll educate me enough that I'll be a real catch once I enter the dating pool," said the seventeen-year-old Fedder, who says he's "saving himself for college girls."

Fedder has already obtained several false adult identification numbers for access to those sites that require age verification, and used his dad's credit card to obtain over five hundred dollars in PayPal funds for paying for private sites. He says he's still getting the lay of the pornographic land, but thinks that he'll gravitate towards "classic porn, just like I love the classic wooden coasters, going up and down and up and down and up and down..." His voice trailed off.

"I gotta go."