Friday, October 31, 2003

ACE Group Mistaken for Scare Actors

A bizarre problem happened last weekend at Lake Compounce, when a group of American Coaster Enthusiasts descended upon the park for a fall event. Although afternoon ERT was carried off with minimal problems, and the waning daylight hours of standard park operation went off without a hitch, difficulties occurred after nightfall.

“We made a tactical error in allowing the ACE members to stick around after ERT,” said park rep Vikki Ulffers. “It didn’t really occur to us just how terrifying the sight of dozens of those people walking through the park would really be. We do employ some scare actors here to help the haunted mood along, but they don’t really mess with small children, and they won’t keep trying to jump at people who have clearly gotten upset. But these coaster enthusiasts just follow random people right into the bathroom, gabbing about airtime and bents and footers…it’s quite terrifying, and they won’t stop.”

Ulffers then began sobbing. “They just…won’t….stop!” she blubbered out, eventually.

Several customers reported problems, as well. “We went into the Haunted Graveyard,” said Mike Carson, 17. “We thought we’d have fun and get scared, and maybe some girls would get freaked out and need ‘the Mikester’ to take their mind off their problems, if you know what I mean.”

Carson continued, “but right in front of us in line were these six coaster people. They were telling people all about their favorite types of bumper cars and buffet items, and then they were demonstrating their Dance Dance Revolution moves for each other. It was horrible. How could Compounce expect to scare anyone with that stupid Graveyard after we already got that horror show for free? Waste of money.”

Even the real scare actors were upset. “Three of us saw these cute chicks who looked sure to be screamers, so we slipped behind them, ready to leap out,” said Daniel Logan, 18. “But then Davie saw these giant red demon monster-beasts oozing toward us. We screamed like little baby girls and ran away, knocking pieces of scenery over and totally ruining that entire section of the haunt. It turned out just to be ACE members in their polyester jackets, but how were we supposed to know a hideous Hell-beast wasn’t coming to crack us in half and suck out our organs?”

Logan noted that, “it was pretty much impossible to have any credibility as a scare actor after running away squealing pathetically in my own haunted house, so I had to retire and look for a new job.”

Said Jeb Seeberg, American Coaster Enthusiasts Assistant Bursar and Extra-Special Undersecretary in Charge of Berating Forum Participants Who Have Different Opinions From Him, Claiming Websites are Inaccurate Without Backing Up Said Statements at All, and Foaming Rabidly at the Mouth, “I demand the immediate execution of anyone who thinks ACE members are scary!”

Bachelor’s ERT Wasted

Enthusiasts across the nation shook their heads in amazement last Wednesday as they watched “Bachelor Bob,” star of ABC’s The Bachelor spend exclusive after-hours time in Paramount’s Great America wooing a woman instead of marathon-riding Top Gun.

“What a waste!” proclaimed Jeremy Jungfrau of Palo Alto. “They had PGA all to themselves and wasted that precious ERT on a candlelit dinner? And worse, instead of riding after dinner they talk and make out? Total and complete waste of ERT, man!”

Jungfrau, who admits to experiencing an erection at seeing Paramount’s Great America and, more specifically, the Top Gun roller coaster on prime time television, could not believe that only a few shots were of the rides in the park. “All the shots were just Bob and Mary walking around eating – why anyone would go to a theme park with a chick is beyond me. They always just want to use the bathroom, and never want to ride coasters.”

Jeremy then said that he plans to re-view Robb Alvey’s 2002 coaster video every Wednesday at 9/8central instead of The Bachelor – “At least the chick in Alvey’s videos gets on the rides.”


Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Six Flags Restricts Crack and Heroin to Designated Areas

In a bold and surprising move today, Six Flags, Inc. announced that, beginning with the 2004 park season, all of its properties would restrict the use of crack and heroin to designated areas only. Until this point, park patrons were officially banned from firing up the crack pipes and plunging needles into their arms while actually in line, but the rules have generally not been enforced by the five security guards employed by the entire chain.

“After receiving numerous guest complaints about the pathways being strewn with needles, drug dealers not having the courtesy to at least light up their rocks a reasonable distance from young children, whacked-out patrons using giant Six Flags Gift Shoppe Crack Bongs as bludgeoning devices, and a fog of burning crack pretty much blocking the view of anything more than six feet away, we have made the profound step of restricting drug usage at our amusement venues,” said Six Flags CEO Gary Story. “Beginning in 2004, crack and heroin may be used only within designated ‘Junkie Zones.’”

Story continued on to say that “Six Flags very much welcomes drug users and pushers to its parks, as it always has. We don’t wish to offend this valuable group of customers. However, our new policy will still allow these fine people to get high as a f**king kite, rather than getting those embarrassing withdrawal cramps and sweats, while families who do not approve of crack and heroin will not be exposed to it.”

When asked whether Six Flags was in any way influenced by the Holiday World decision to restrict smoking only to designated areas in its park next season, Story scoffed. Or he might have gagged on some phlegm. We didn’t ask. Anyway, he responded by saying, “Oh good grief, no. First of all, there’s no reason anyone should ever ban cigarettes. Why, everyone knows that the smooth, mellow flavor of an unfiltered Pall Mall coursing through your lungs helps improve digestion and circulation! We’ll naturally still allow smoking everywhere in our parks, particularly in the target eleven-year-olds-in-line demographic. And especially at Six Flags New England.

“And by the way, why would you think we’d copy anything about Holiday World? Lame failures that no one likes or enjoys, like Holiday World, Indiana Beach, and Knoebel’s, really should be taking our lead on how to do a park up right. Sheesh. Sorry, now I really have to go look at that mountain of complaint forms and see how many billions of dollars of debt we racked up today!”


Tuesday, October 28, 2003

State Fair of Texas Cancels "Alternative" Sponsorship

After experimenting with Trojan condoms as the sponsor of Big Tex (renamed "Big Sex" for the fair) in 2003 the State Fair of Texas has opted not to renew the contract for next year.  For this year's event Big Tex was given a 50-foot animatronic penis.  "We thought that it would be a lark," said fair manager Keith Turner.  "Everyone knows that unmarried people in Texas do not have premarital sex, so the idea of advertising condoms was just silly.  Of course, it makes it hard to explain why our abstinence-only sex ed. program has Texas ranked 46 out of 50 states in terms of teen pregnancy rates."

Fair officials were worried that the large, throbbing member of Big Sex damaged its reputation.  The animatronic cowboy's operator, Don Sales, was discouraged.  "People were taking some pretty inappropriate pictures.  I saw one woman pose in front of Tex and pretend that she was holding his" (here he coughed and blushed) "testicles.  That's just not right," he lamented.  He did note that the chocolate-covered banana concession stand located next to the statue did very well.  "I heard they nearly doubled last year's take," said Sales.

Trojan C.F.O. Mark Davis was disappointed that the fair chose not to renew the Big Sex concept for 2004.  "It was a blow to us," he said.  "But, we understand that not everyone is comfortable seeing a 50-foot phallus winking at them from the midway.  In addition, this created some conceptual problems since we wanted to market the female condom at next year's fair."

Rayleen Crawdson of Waco was one of the people offended by Big Tex's protruding peter.  "I seen lots of rude things in my lifetime," Crawdson said as she spat chew on this ARN&R reporter, "but this really bothered me."  She went on to say that as a good Christian woman God told her "what was appropriate," just like "the good Lord tells George Bush what countries are makin' bombs."

Other potential sponsors had hoped to cash in on the "sex fad" in Texas but are now reexamining their marketing options.  "We wanted to make some sort of interactive display that would be housed next to the pottery workshop," said Vivid Video president Steve Simmons.  "Now we are going to have to find a new place to house the 'Oral, Anal & Gangbang Interactive Fun Room.'"

Trojan's Davis has been talking to local strip clubs about moving his robot penis outside their venue.  He said, "I don't understand it.  There are titty bars [Ed. Note: that's the Texas vernacular for strip clubs] all over this town; they seem to run even with the churches.  Yet, put the sex out in the open and everyone has a problem with it.  I just hope that I can sell Big Tex's penis to the Burrowing Beaver or the Red Snapper."

They say everything is bigger in Texas. In this reporter's eyes it is a sad state of affairs that Big Tex will once again be hung like Ken.

-- FMB

Monday, October 27, 2003

Worst. Site. Ever.

We've been giving out our Site O' the Weak honors for a while now, and we haven't made any particular distinction in the level of hideousness between the awful monstrosities we've mocked. However, just because we never came up with an Extra-Special Super Platinum Business Class Ultra-Bling-Bling Site O' the Weak O' the Millennium doesn't mean we shouldn't have for this week's honoree.

Have a gander, if you dare, at the Road Trip Website, an internet destination so stultifyingly, mind-bogglingly wretched as to defy the English language to produce terms capable of describing its dreadfulness.

Okay, once you get to the front page, you'll locate a logo for EPCOT, then there's a picture of EPCOT that appears to be from an actual camera, then some other shot that's blatantly stolen from some Disney promotional materials. And then there' on. Uh...well....ah yes. That's it. Yes, folks, the website actually has no content whatsoever. There's nothing else. Although we do applaud the Road Trip page for getting rid of their original front-page scheme, which consisted of exactly one gigantic image stolen lock, stock, and barrel from another coaster site...and nothing else.


Thursday, October 23, 2003

Put On Your Sunglasses

We got a little distracted there with the ACE fun, and so we forgot to do the Site O' the Weak on Monday. So here's one for the half-week, and it's really only half-lame. It's Lawrie's Carnival and Amusement Park Pages!

If you can manage to block your eyes from the design and color selection horror show, this is probably actually a pretty decent site, if you happen to be looking for information about Finland's amusement parks and carnivals. But...those colors! They burn! They burn!

In any event, thanks, Lawrie! We're glad to know you're a big boy! And we're only slightly creeped out by your interest in watching cheerleader competitions ("There may be literally hundreds of stunning looking girls in mini skirts performing just for you...")!

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Editor's Note: We've posted an addendum to the end of the story about the Rollercoaster! story down below. Please take a look.
Six Flags CEO Comments on Financial Condition

Six Flags, Inc. (NYSE: PKS), recently held a press conference providing the financial community with its financial guidance on its likely future performance. ARN&R was, of course, there.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to welcome each and every one one of you to the Six Flags 2003 Financial Guidance Press Conference,” began Chairman and CEO Kieran Burke. “It is with great pleasure that I begin with a review of our past performance.”

“In 2000, in our second full year of operations after Premier Parks acquired Six Flags our net income was a negative $75 million dollars. In 2001, we surpassed those results and lost $85 million dollars. In 2002, our best year yet, we lost an astounding $128 million dollars. The 3 year total of our losses is an impressive $288 million,” Burke concluded to rousing applause.

“Additionally, in 2002, my total compensation was $1.08 million. Our CFO James Dannhauser earned $649,000, and our COO Gary Story earned $727,000. This is a total of $2.025 million in compensation for our top 3 executives in fiscal 2002, and we're hoping to top even that this year. We're looking into some innovative ways to pay our park employees even less; right now, we're considering paying them in potatoes and other inexpensive food products."

“We are all aware that new rides and attractions are an important part of growing our business and eventually making money, to the exclusion of spending money on anything that might actually enhance our guests' visits like cleaning up the human excrement. We spent $334 million in 2000 for new rides and attractions, with $160 million in 2001 and $146 million in 2002 systemwide.”

“Our management team continues to cut operating budgets and raise prices for in-park purchases, admissions, and our favorite, parking fees. This we feel drastically reduces the pleasure of our guests due to closed rides, minimal capacity, severely reduced staffing, and the priceless feeling of being completely robbed. We're especially proud of that."

“Finally, our stock price hit $30 in 2000, $12 in 2001, and the all-time low of $3 in 2002."

“The executive management is very proud or our results. We expect to lose even more money on a systemwide basis this year. We have further cut spending on new rides and attractions. We have slashed budgets to the point where our management at the park level can hardly afford to buy toilet paper for their own offices. Best of all, our guest satisfaction is at an all-time low – even worse when Bally killed people in droves at Six Flags.”

“In closing, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you for your continued support. Wall Street, our Board of Directors hand-picked by me, and our institutional investors have made this all possible. You all have made the three of us filthy rich while we have run a perfectly good company completely into the ground. I am proud to say that I am a graduate of the Harvard School of Law. Lawyers can accomplish anything! Thank you again for making this all possible. On your way out, please be sure to buy some more stock that Mr. Dannhauser is selling at the back door.”

MorganlyVanguardChaseWachoviaFleetSalomon Bank raised their rating on PKS stock immediately after the conference to a “STRONG BUY."


Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Editor's Note: Thanks to all of you who have copied us on your e-mails to ACE. Judging from the responses we've seen, they are still trying to justify calling a hotel a concentration camp rather than giving a straightforward apology and acknowledgement that it was a mistake. Please keep it up, and keep copying us on your notes.

And now, back to the show...
Kennywood and Dollywood Reunite for New Album of Duets

(Nashville, TN) After nearly twenty years apart, the famed parks Kennywood and Dollywood have finally found the time to get together at a Nashville studio to record an album of duets that the pair hopes will capture the same magic as their 1983 smash 'Islands in the Stream.'

"We've just been so busy," said a reflective Kennywood. "I've had to deal with the whole Steel Phantom to Phantom's Revenge transition, and don't get me started on that tragedy on the Whip. That really can take a lot out of a park. By the time I got things on my end in order, Dollywood was busy putting the finishing touches on the Thunderhead deal. It just doesn't leave a park with a whole lot of time to record sappy duets."

Dollywood was unavailable for comment, but ARN&R was able to obatin a list of some possible song titles:

Please Baby, Don't Taer Me Down

Lookin' for a Threesome in all the Wrong Forums

You're the Reason God Made Those Vekomas

Where Were You the Day the Whip Stood Still?

I Gave You all the Gravy in Texas, and that Still Wasn't Enough

The duo is still finalizing arrangements for the recording. Presently they are deciding between Avril Lavigne production team The Matrix and P. Diddy for production duties, and 50 Cent is in negotiations for a guest rap on the album's likely first single, "Number One with a Mullet."


Saturday, October 18, 2003

Search the Sarcasm

ARN&R is pleased to announce that after many many months of development and coding, we finally implemented a search function that took about three minutes. Down there on the left on the front page. So you can now find how many times we've mentioned Kentucky (21) or gravy (22). Enjoy!

Thursday, October 16, 2003

ACE News Changes Name to “AYCE News

When the latest issue of the American Coaster Enthusiasts newsletter, ACE News, hit mailboxes this week, subscribers were not tremendously surprised to note that the publication had a new name: “AYCE News.” After maintaining its previous name for numerous issues over twenty-six volumes, the newsletter undergoes a change that editor Mark Davidson says “more accurately represents the true essence of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.”

“AYCE” is a term typically used at buffet restaurants, and is an abbreviation for “All You Can Eat.” It is most appropriately pronounced with a noticeable redneck accent, say experts on horrible American eating habits.

“The ACE Executive Politburo had a meeting where it was decided, with input from the editorial and writing staff at ACE News, that the mission of the newsletter was simply not being accurately put forth by the title, and a new, bold, and more correct moniker would be required,” said ACE President and Commander of the Order of the British Empire Carole Sanderson. “It took minimal debate to conclude that ACE really has very little to do with roller coasters, preservation, exclusive ride time, or any of the things which some people seem to find important. Actually, ACE is primarily about members gorging themselves on huge hunks of freshly killed game and frolicking and gamboling merrily about in virtual swamps of pork gravy," Sanderson stated, while gnawing on a pork chop on a stick.

"And what better issue to change our name for than the September-October 2003 one? No article ever written has better demonstrated our commitment to these lofty goals of ACE eatery than the one on the Preservation Conference held in Colorado.”

Sanderson gave a detailed presentation on the article with the help of statistical analysis provided by analysts from MIT, the contents of which are summarized below:

- Food and eating are mentioned approximately 18 times. Sanderson generously chose not to add the terms “food for thought” and “perish” (which some took to mean “perishable”) to this list, as they technically are not about actually literally cramming dribbling barbecue and gristle into one's vast gullet.

- Roller Coasters are mentioned in eight paragraphs in the article. This includes all references about preservation, ceremonies, ERT on coasters, and discussions of possible future rides. Meanwhile, food, eating, or eateries are referenced in ten different paragraphs. Sanderson admitted that this comparison is not entirely fair, as most of the articles involving food discuss the slurping down of masses of Crisco and vanilla frosting in intricate, lurid, graphic, and, quite frankly, almost pornographic detail, while the coaster references are nearly clinical in the lack of detail.

- An actual roller coaster finally was mentioned in the eighth paragraph of the article, while food appeared in three paragraphs prior to that point.

- Food references include the following sensationalist accounts, quoted directly from the article. This material is gruesome and explicit, and some viewers may wish to avert their eyes:

And we should say right up front, we’ve been eating quite well this year, thank you.

With a complete dinner just a couple of hours away, registration saw a wide range of handy snacks…

Dinner not only fed us well…

ACE…quickly found refreshments…

With taste buds adequately satisfied, it was on to the coasters…

Breakfast items…woke people to the final day of the conference.

The first surprise of lunch was the God-given freedom to ‘schhhhhhhlock’ as much whipped cream on your strawberry shortcake as you desired.

As if it wasn’t the perfect metaphor, the event officially closed with dessert.

And yep, the Cyclone continued to give one last ERT between scoops of ice cream and decadent toppings.

Although ARN&R is a family publication, and therefore disapproves of all this sexually-charged writing about engulfing entire still-writhing live boars in your yawning crevice of a mouth while stiff-arming other park patrons away from the mashed potatoes with gravy and cheese sauce, we certainly have been won over by the Executive Politburo’s presentation of the reasoning behind the switch. ARN&R therefore offers its full support to ACE News henceforth being known as “AYCE News.”


Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Flyer Purists Start an Anti-Tub Humping Campaign

At the annual gathering of tools and hicks known as PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, the flyer purists were out in storm, verbally assaulting and mocking other flyer participants known as ‘tub-humpers.’

When reached for comment from the depths of his mother’s basement, 34-year-old dungeon master and flyer purist Nathan Andrake said, “In recent years there has been an outbreak of this heinous activity. Not only is it unsafe, it also makes the pilots appear to be better than us, and we can not have that in this fast-paced world of flyer riding. This is not how flyers are meant to be enjoyed.” He then rolled his 87 sided die and cast “stupidity ++.”

To those unaware, “Tub Humping” is a way of physically rocking the flyer back and forth, causing for better and more frequent snaps, say experts.

When reached for comment an offender asked “Aren’t they that crappy ‘rock’ band that sang that lame song back in the 90's? ‘I get knocked down but I get up again’...more like ‘I record one song and am never heard of again.’”

When asked for a rebuttal Andrake fired a “Magic Missile.”


[Editor's Note: I bet most of you didn't know that the trumpet tune sampled for that Tubthumper song was Jeremiah Clark's Trumpet Voluntary, did you? Now don't say you don't learn anything here at ARN&R.]
Record Challenged

As an addendum to the article below, apparently a challenger has emerged to combat what he refers to as "the blasphemous and totally crap false records of Kirk James and Bill Chipotle." A Filip Le Pankakov wrote in to let us know that he achieved a new outdoor land speed record for getting completely pissed off and hating everyone at an amusement park in considerably quicker fashion than either of the two officially recognized leaders.

Says Le Pankakov, "That's totally bogus. Six minutes is nothing. I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and hated every single person there before I even entered the park. And I continued hating them all during my entire horrible day of overpriced goods, three-hour waits for coasters, incredible heat, and amazingly stupid employees and park visitors. The record should be mine, and it's a farce that it isn't being recognized."

Said S. Mathias Berger III, president of the International Consortium of Getting Pissed Off at Every Single Patron of an Amusement Park and Wanting to Strangle Them All With Your Bare Hands (ICGPOESPAPWSTAWYBH), "we have looked into Mr. Le Pankakov's claims, and unfortunately we did not have any official observers on-site. Without our trained staff being on hand to acknowledge a record-setting performance, we simply cannot accept this as the official record."

When queried by ARN&R, Berger agreed that it was possible for the record to be broken in the manner described by Le Pankakov. "We certainly can't count into the negatives to measure high levels of irritation achived in the parking lot," he said, "but in this case the timers would have begun right as he got through the security gate into the park proper. This could potentially result in a record in the mere seconds."

Berger further noted that the staff of his organization "would never be stupid enough to go to a Six Flags park on a Saturday in July, regardless of whether any records might or might not be broken," and therefore he had no clue why Le Pankakov would have expected any of them to be there to witness his stunning feat.


Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Enthusiast Looks to Set Record This Weekend

Coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 31, is hard at work training to set a new world record, he tells ARN&R. Already the holder of the IBF, WBF, and WWF World Titles in Getting Pissed Off Enough to Hate Every Single Person at an Amusement Park, James has stated that he intends to better his own impressive record by a full three minutes this coming weekend.

"My fastball has great velocity, and the curve is really poppin'," James told ARN&R in between intense training sessions. "I'm watching my diet, working out twelve hours a day, reading and watching game tape, and exposing myself to irritating people as much as possible in order to maximize how angry I'll already be when I enter the park. I'll be driving in my car in Northern Virginia and near New York, visiting a number of restaurants, and spending as much time as possible with my boss, and then maybe I’ll call up all my ex-girlfriends for a chat. When I hit the front gate and the clock starts ticking, I'll already be ready to strangle some jackass. Then the revolting behavior of people at the park will set me off quickly enough that I can absolutely crush my own amazing world mark." James then made a muscle pose and grabbed the pom-poms from a nearby cheerleader to create an impromptu dance "inspired by Warren Sapp and Beyonce."

The World Title in Getting Pissed Off Enough to Hate Every Single Person at an Amusement Park was long considered the most venerable and storied in the history of the amusement park, perhaps only eclipsed in reverence by the 56-day park visiting streak record set by the great Joe DiMaggio. The impressive mark of being irritated enough to hate every single person at an amusement park stood at two hours, seventeen minutes, and fourteen seconds for decades, until August 22nd, 2003. On that date, the hallowed record was obliterated by an unheralded enthusiast named Bill Chipotle, who officially felt a strong need to maim and crush every human inhabiting Six Flags New England after spending only one hour and six minutes there.

Many pundits felt this was a one-time super-record set by a man playing beyond his ability during perfect conditions, and perhaps with the benefit of steroids, creatine, or even one of those "Gelati" they serve that is not remotely close to an actual Gelati, but instead consists of layers of soft vanilla ice cream and Italian ice. "Chipotle was on top of his game, no doubt," said expert Peter Gammons. "It seemed like everything he did turned to gold. It was the perfect game. Of course, luck is always involved, too. Would Chipotle have had such success if any ride at Six Flags New England had used more than one train, or if the toilets hadn't showered his party with explosively propelled feces, or if every single person in line wasn't smoking, or if the park had bothered to hire a single security guard that day? Doubtful."

The experts were proven wrong in short order, however. The record fell six times in a span of only a few months, as a new challenger, the brash young James, rose to combat Chipotle's mastery at Being Quickly Pissed Off. Much as Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire brought out the best in each other's games, Chipotle and James battled like centurions over the late summer, leapfrogging each other with ever more incredible record-setting performances. Chipotle brought the record down to 34 minutes at Morey's Piers on the day of the Monster Truck Rally, before James managed last weekend to jump that mark on his way to a nearly unfathomable six minutes and three seconds at Lake Compounce.

"I was surprised I was so dominating at that park," said James. "I mean, of course I rule and no one can have any hope of stopping me in my quest for world domination, but this is such a nice park that I figured it would be more of a warm-up. But no, I realized after two minutes that I had a shot at that record."

Spectators noted that, after suffering through a very trying day where he had gotten no sleep after driving all night through construction and fog the night before, working at an unbelievably crappy job that morning, having an argument with a friend, having his computer freeze up, and then having his fantasy football team get a foot shoved right up its ass, James was already pretty much poised to kill someone with his bare hands before even shoving through a crowd of morons standing around blocking the one entrance to Lake Compounce for no good reason. Then, after entering the park proper, he was confronted by "mega-hordes of white trash scum from the Valley. You know, those people who yell all the time and say 'New Brit'n' and 'mit'n' instead of pronouncing stuff right." Apparently this crowd of loud dumbasses followed him everywhere and filled the stations with their brain-deadening caterwauling, and about thirty of them managed to step on his foot, back into him, shove someone else into him, fire up a cigarette while riding Boulderdash, or yell to someone while standing mere nanometers from his head.

The coup-de-grace came with three incidents that came in rapid succession at about the five-minute mark of James’s evening out: a pair of rubes engaging in a yelling and slap-fighting match on a pathway crashed into James despite his trying to move away from them, one guy in a Slayer shirt bragged to his unwashed friend about how his buddies had had "awesome cool fun" spraying pepper spray at people on a coaster in New Jersey last year and they all had to go to the hospital, and eight preteen girls decided to have a screaming contest on Boulderdash right behind his already splitting tension headache.

"I was right on the edge," said James. "I had it, I knew the record was in my reach, but I wasn’t quite there. I thought maybe everyone there needed to die, but I wasn't wholly convinced of it enough to pass official muster. I mean, all the employees were really nice, as usual, and this one little girl asked me for the time and called me ‘Sir’ and said ‘Thank you’ when I told her, which threw my game off a little bit. But then, right as I passed six minutes, I saw a frickin' coaster tool who was boasting to some other little girls that he was about to take his 996th ride on Boulderdash, and there was only one person who’d been on it more ever. And that was it. I officially hated everyone, and the record was mine. YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!" James then made a Heisman pose.

James will attempt to break his record this weekend at Six Flags New England, the location where Chipotle set the initial mark this summer. "I know it's gonna be there," he told us. "If I can get pissed off enough by people at Lake Compounce enough to want them all to suffer for all eternity in the fires of Hell after six minutes, just think what I can accomplish at the worst amusement park in the free world. Officially, I'm aiming for three minutes. But just between you and me, I already placed a call to Bill Chipotle and told him he'd have to be gunning for 45 seconds next time he hits a park."

Chipotle told ARN&R that he respects James and his current record, but that he will demolish it, whatever it stands at, the instant he sets foot inside the gates of Kentucky Kingdom for the first time.


Sunday, October 12, 2003

Amusement Industry Concerned About Roller Coaster Haters

A group of major theme park chains has banded together to combat the posting of online opinions indicating hatred of roller coasters, according to the new public spokeswoman for the Consortium to Unilaterally Negate the Thickheaded.

"Cedar Point, Six Flags, Paramount, Universal, and, of course, Admiral Vungrels Adventure Park, have united to present a common front in combating the insidious decay of people claiming online that roller coasters suck," said Anna Linjection. "We have located a plague of online dislike that reaches near-biblical proportions. As long as five or six people claim in stupid forums and incredibly lame websites that they do not enjoy roller coasters, we all suffer. With hope and compassion, and perhaps a smattering of hideous violence and sodomy, we shall return these persons to the fold of amusement park tooldom."

Linjection then discussed several specific cases that needed to be addressed. "First of all," she said, "we have located a very troubled soul named laurennn, who has a thoroughly incomprehensible diary website. If you scroll through the list of answers to her survey questions, you will certainly note an amazing and disturbing amount of hostility and general freakishness." Linjection then provided a set of sample questions and answers to back up this claim:

-ARE YOU A LEFTY OR A RIGHTY?: ask your mother
-FAVOURITE SMELLS?: megan's mom
-FAVOURITE SOUNDS?: megan's mom
-DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?: i sleep with sluts and i stuff them as they sleep.
-IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: i was serious when i said i'd kill you

Continued Linjection, "we can easily trace the source of this hostility to one simple statement provided near the beginning of this survey: 'ROLLER COASTERS suck.' If only this little flower would step out and enjoy some nice amusement parks, she would surely blossom instead of wilting into a mass of desiccated potpourri. We certainly think there is hope: after all, she claims she will be absolutely happy when, as she eloquently puts it, 'i catch you frontin like you ain't bout to knock it,' which sure sounds like a euphemism for 'riding a few Vekoma Boomerangs and SLC's' to us."

The second special case for the Consortium is also a difficult one, notes Linjection. "We have only the slightest hope that this case can be recovered," she admitted. "However, we feel it's imperative that we make our best effort even for complete loser cases like this."

The "complete loser case in question" is apparently the Bizarre and Creepy Anime Fangirl Weirdo Who Shares Way Too Much Information With Everyone. According to Linjection, "the absolute and utter toolish devotion to anime and manga is enough to make this person even more of a wackaloon than the most hardened coaster enthusiast. Good God, I can't believe I just said that. There's also that relentless bragging about her certain-to-be-incredibly-attractive anime-beast boyfriend. And I have to just quote from her list of dislikes, because I simply can't summarize and do it justice: 'People in general, especially people who don't know how to DRIVE. Spiders, badly written fanfics. Shounen/Shoujo-ai pairings that would never happen in a million years but are written about every day. (I'm sorry, but Tamahome and Nakago will NEVER GET TOGETHER.)'

"Again, there night seem to be a myriad of issues that could lead to these disturbing problems this person has," said Linjection. "However, we feel it all boils down to this statement: 'Upside-down roller coasters SUCK. Actually let me revise that. ALL rollar coasters suck. And so does that damn swinging pirate ship that I was traumatized from when I was 7 or 8 years old.' The Consortium finds it particularly engaging that Mistress Ayashi claims that she despises people who misspell common words, yet chooses to spell the word roller coaster as 'rollar coaster.'" We recommend that Ayashi attend an ACE event; that way, she can still have an annoying fetish hobby and act like a complete geek, but she'll get some greasy buffet and have some fun that doesn't involve jerking off to cartoons. And maybe that mean old pirate ship won't even touch her funny this time."

Linjection concluded by saying, "we realize it will be an uphill struggle to assist people who post to the 'Hot N'Sync Fiction' message board to claim that roller coasters suck. But we will do our best to help these lost souls. That's all anyone can ask for."


Friday, October 10, 2003

Professional Rollercoaster Riders Association Formed, Ignored

In a not-too-surprising turn of events, the launch of the Professional Rollercoaster Riders Association (PRRA) was met with little fanfare from either the amusement industry or the enthusiast community because the association simply makes no sense.

"I just don’t get it," said an obviously deflated Ken, PRRA’s founding father, when asked about the organization’s failure to attract new members. "We spent weeks at our lunch table in the cafeteria working out all the details. I even made a mission statement and everything. How do these guys [enthusiasts] expect to get the respect they deserve if they won’t stand up and be counted? The event at Magic Mountain went great, and who knows what could happen if we could have professional ride-offs and riding demonstrations nation-wide!"

"What? Where? Who? Why?," said a bewildered Magic Mountain General Manager Dell Holland in his best Vinnie Barbarino imitation, when asked about the recent PRRA gathering. When pressed further, Holland finally had this to say: "Oh, you mean those three kids that rode Canyon Blaster all day last Sunday? That’s what they’re doing? How cute."


Thursday, October 09, 2003

Carousel Website Blamed for Marital Difficulties

"Yeah baby, take it all. Let me gum up those works."

These were not the words Kathy Asleson expected to hear her husband moaning when she came home early from work. She had taken half a day off and wanted to surprise her husband Robert, who worked from an office at home. Expecting an afternoon of passionate lovemaking her libido dropped when he was found in front of the computer flogging the dolphin.

"What bothered me was not the fact that he was making Cyclops cry," said Kathy. "The problem was that Robert was whitewater wristing to a carousel website!" The site was, an online retailer of gears and parts for amusement rides, especially carousels.

"It would have been one thing if he would have been choking Kojak to 'Lesbian Teenage All Stars' or even 'Mullet Munchers,' but it was carousels. I am so damn tired of amusement parks, especially those *$)^@ merry-go-rounds," she ranted.

"Honey, industry people don't call them merry-go-rounds. They are carousels, unless you're in England, then they're roundabouts," said Robert gently. "In addition, it is perfectly natural for a man to slap the big-nosed Rasta man."

Kathy responded, "I don't care if you feel the need to toss the Spam javelin. The problem is that this is only the latest in a line of amusement-related ejaculations. Lately I was feeling a bit relieved when I looked through the history of Netscape and saw '' and 'Thrillnetwork,' figuring you'd finally come around to nice normal porn. But then I just learned those were more coaster sites. You are never going to get good at oral sex by checking out p.o.v. pictures."

Robert has tried to put the spark back in the relationship, but his actions have only served to anger his wife of ten years. "For some reason she didn't like the honeymoon in Washington state where we rode a coaster only open two weeks a year or the afternoon of drinking wine from a box in the parking lot of Six Flags. Sometimes I just don't understand women," he lamented.

For now Robert and Kathy have made a commitment to talk to each other and work things out, a commitment that Kathy secretly told this reporter includes a lack of sex. She said, "If he wants to act like a 15 year-old that's his prerogative. He will just have to resort to hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower for the next few weeks. I hope there are a lot of gear pictures on that site because he won't be riding this horse for a LONG time."


Tuesday, October 07, 2003

PPP Proves Enthusiasts Love the Camera
In Odd Irony, Camera Rarely Loves Enthusiasts

In an embarrassing turn of events, enthusiasts from across the country hammed it up for Robb Alvey’s video camera at the annual Phoenix Phall Phunfest in Elysburg, Pennsylvania. Alvey, famous for selling his coaster trip videos and making insensitive comments on his website, came under fire from the internet community recently for being an insensitive jackass.

This sentiment, however, was not evident at Knoebel’s, where various coaster tools aped, made faces at, and high-fived Alvey and his life partner Elissa White in a desperate attempt to make it into the videos they so despise. Jeremy Werkzeug of Appleton, WI, who on the RPCGRRC forum called Alvey a “complete dick,” jockeyed to be next to Robb in line for the bumper cars hoping to score an appearance in the background of Alvey’s taping.

“Hey, this is my one chance at fame – Can’t you see how important he is to our community? Plus, he has a video camera.” Monday morning, however, Werkzeug was back on the forums, talking about how rude and snobbish Alvey was to him for not wanting to be friends.

ACE Study Affirms Fears: No Attractive Single Women Under 30 Are Members

ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) released a study today that confirmed what many already suspected---there are no single attractive women under 30 in the club. Carole Sanderson, ACE Savior-on-High, said, in an exclusive ARN&R interview, "This was something that was always assumed, but has never been proven. Now we have concrete evidence that young voluptuous women do not join coaster clubs."

Many members expressed the sentiment that this was not news to them. Keith Sternberg of Ohio (RaptorRulzThaSky47 on AIM) said that when he looked around at coaster conventions all he saw was a sausage fest with some token females thrown in. When asked the last time he was on a date Sternberg got very silent.

The study also confirmed that while the majority of enthusiasts are male, most are not close to the national average of good looking. Tim Thompson, president of the American Attractiveness Institute (AAI), which conducted the coaster fan study, said that the sample group of enthusiasts rated an average of 2 out of 10 on the Kleinstien Attractiveness Rating System. He said, "Most coaster fans rated 'Run Over by the Ugly Truck,' which is better than 'Must Have Sex With a Paper Bag on Head,' but not as good as 'Beaten With the Ugly Stick.'"

Enthusiasts, however, are not discouraged by the recent news. Mandy Wright, a 35 year-old female enthusiast described as "fugly" said she is un-phased. "I am going to do what I do best and that is have fun with all of my enthusiast friends...all of whom happen to be male."

Keith Sternberg said that he wouldn't change his modus operandi for finding women because of the AAI-conducted study. "My Friday nights are going to be the same," he said. "Roller Coaster Tycoon, chatting with my lady-friends in a Yahoo! Coaster Group and watching 'America Screams' with Vincent Price. I just love it when he says, 'Rolley Coaster!'" Sternberg said as his gut shook with pride.


Monday, October 06, 2003

CoasterLand Coaster Inc. Coasters Inc. Wins Rare Honor

There is little to be said about this site besides: Yikes., we bow down in awe of your cretinous use of popup boxes and incredibly annoying music. And your completely nonalphabetical listing of states. [Ed. Note: One of our correspondents, with far too much time on his hands, points out that the listing is, helpfully enough, in the order that the states joined the Union. Thanks, Rain Man!]

Congratulations, CoasterLand Coaster Inc. Coasters Inc., you're our Site O' the Weak!

Addendum: One of our friends informed us that this site "made [her] lose the will to live."
Microsoft Debuts “Ban’em 2K3” Software to Amusement Industry

To meet the demand of Amusement Park industry heads, Microsoft has devised the latest in industry software. In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Bill Gates demonstrated the future of Park Banning.

“Our new software integrates the privacy forfeiture of Windows XP into our existing small business applications. Now, whenever a coaster enthusiast badmouths a park on the internet, park management is immediately notified thanks to Microsoft's new ToolSpider technology. With just a few clicks, the offender’s name, address, social security number, and passport photo are in the hands of management.”

Banned enthusiasts can be nabbed thanks to retinal scanners posted at Lemon Chill stands throughout the park if they disobey park management and try to sneak in. “This software alerts security immediately of any banned coaster enthusiast on park property so that they can be dealt with swiftly and be sent home, to hopefully share their experience on the Internet, preferably using MSN Explorer.” said Gates. Additionally, Microsoft is reportedly in the final stages of testing SalivaGuard, a new sensor apparatus designed to recognize banned enthusiasts through rapid DNA analysis of their drool that inevitably drops near hot dog stands.

Cedar Fair has already purchased the software package and plans to have everything in place “in time to keep out CSTRTUL24 and AIRTIMEWHORE435 out of our beautiful parks.”


Sunday, October 05, 2003

Limbaugh Fired as ACE Coaster Analyst

Rabid fascist beached whale Rush Limbaugh was fired tonight by the American Coaster Enthusiasts following derogatory comments he made during the group's weekly coaster special. This news comes less than a week after the corpulent racist jackoff resigned from ESPN following his insensitive and completely repulsive comments about Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.

"We really thought Rush would watch himself after his incident with ESPN," said ACE Immediate Past Dictator for Life Bill Linkenheimer III. "Not that I'm all that upset about it. When I was president, having that bulbous Hutt around meant that our already-staggering buffet bills were almost double their highest total before we signed him on."

Linkenheimer added that "he really knows absolutely nothing about roller coasters, now that I think about it. Not that he knew crap about football, either. Or anything else, for that matter. Huh. Too bad he was getting all that money...I guess he was just a fatass waste of decent oxygen all along."

The new round of offensive remarks happened on air during the Saturday ACE program Let's Work Those Lats. Limbaugh, a prize-winning jackass buffoon, claimed, with no provocation, "I don't understand why the liberal media is always trying to root for black roller coasters just because they're black. Take that Batman ride at Six Flags St. Louis, for example. If it wasn't black, none of these stupid liberal feminists would be putting it in their top lists. I bet if it were white, no one would even notice it's there. Then compare that to a fine white Aryan coaster like Screamin' Eagle, which gets ignored just because it's white. That's real discrimination, not that fake Brown vs. Board of Education stuff people whined so much about in the fifties."

The pompous steaming mound of human excrement then smoothed his bright purple Grand Dragon uniform down before continuing, "it's really such a trial being a bloated, smug, rich white male prick asswipe these days, I tell you. I have to watch every minute to be sure I'm not being oppressed."


Friday, October 03, 2003

Universal's Halloween Horror Nights Uses New Soundtrack

ARN&R has received exclusive word that the soundtrack used for Universal's Halloween Horror Nights will be the Baby Baby CD. "Although many parks use a combination of atmospheric scary music, classical music about evil subjects, and rock tunes with a Halloween theme, we thought we needed something much more horrifying," said Vice President of Making People Soil Their Panties Clint McNabb. "And what could possibly terrify and disgust people more than having that f*%king Baby Baby abomination wailing away all night?"

ARN&R reps got a sneak peek at Islands of Adventure all themed up and ready to inspire fear with its awe-inspiring new nighttime soundtrack. We can say for sure that we were utterly filled with unspeakable dread at the Baby Baby CD.

Said one reporter, "It's a most frightening family keepsake actually sung with the baby's name in the lyrics by the original artist. Somehow, the soothing, inspiring, contemporary music personalized with your baby's name produced the most terrorizing nightmare agony I have ever experienced. This album is clearly produced by minions of Satan himself, and I feel my soul being sucked straight into the fires of the damned each and every instant that it's playing on the loudspeakers."

The nerve-wracked staff of ARN&R eventually fled the special screening weeping in terror, as the caterwauling banshees of eternal hellfire belted out in a treacly whine: "Nich-o-las, oh Nich-o-las, my baby blah blah blah." Some of us may never be able to sleep again. Universal is to be applauded for its choice of music representing the fiery molten pits of Lucifer.


Thursday, October 02, 2003

Enthusiast Witnesses Smoking in Line; Notifies Internet Community

Ben Albtraum, an ACE member from Cambridge, MA, decried all smokers in the online message forum Roller Coaster Chat Talk Interact Forum Wednesday.

“I think that if there (sic) going to be that rude they should be ejected from the park,” declaimed Albtraum.

This sparked a lengthy online debate about smoking, cancer, and line etiquette. When contacted for an exclusive ARN&R interview, Albtraum said he did nothing to stop the smoker from continuing to enjoy his smooth, sophisticated Parliament cigarette in line, admitting that he “didn’t want to start anything” and that he “felt safer going on the internet to bitch about it instead.”

According to the CoasterBuzz meeting calendar, Ben will be acting like a total pussy at Darien Lake this weekend, and plans to berate the GP in his extensive trip report, which will be posted in real time thanks to his Blackberry.


Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Assistant Editor Notches Really Crummy 250th

The Assistant Editor and frequent ARN&R writer JCK ended up having an amazingly crappy coaster as his 250th, sources tell us. Aside from having to carry the red mark of shame for managing to ride such a bad coaster on an important even number, JCK is reputedly worried about whether he will be able to maintain his standing in the American Coaster Enthusiasts, what with their Brute Squad making the rounds disciplining people left and right.

"The incident happened this weekend," a flustered JCK said, furtively glancing left and right to keep an eye out for the Brute Squad. The Editor-in-Chief and Supreme Benevolent Leader for Life and I went to Morey's Piers this weekend, and at some point I remembered that I had been on 246 coasters and would likely hit the big 250 at some point during the day. But then we walked down the boardwalk after parking, and we came first to the pier with Great White. I was so excited to ride a custom CCI woodie that I didn't think to insist we run all the way down to the other piers first so I could rack up some s*it carni portables first and make Great White my 250th. Damn me for rushing to the good coaster first!"

JCK added that "having Great Nor'easter as my 250th will be a taint that will live with me forever. As will the migraines and the crippled back I suffered during my ride on that thing."

An ACE Executive Junta member who asked not to be named stated that "although having a crap coaster as an important number in one's count is not officially covered in the Almighty ACE Code of Commandments, it is suspicious behavior that we'll be looking into."