Microsoft Debuts “Ban’em 2K3” Software to Amusement Industry
To meet the demand of Amusement Park industry heads, Microsoft has devised the latest in industry software. In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Bill Gates demonstrated the future of Park Banning.
“Our new software integrates the privacy forfeiture of Windows XP into our existing small business applications. Now, whenever a coaster enthusiast badmouths a park on the internet, park management is immediately notified thanks to Microsoft's new ToolSpider technology. With just a few clicks, the offender’s name, address, social security number, and passport photo are in the hands of management.”
Banned enthusiasts can be nabbed thanks to retinal scanners posted at Lemon Chill stands throughout the park if they disobey park management and try to sneak in. “This software alerts security immediately of any banned coaster enthusiast on park property so that they can be dealt with swiftly and be sent home, to hopefully share their experience on the Internet, preferably using MSN Explorer.” said Gates. Additionally, Microsoft is reportedly in the final stages of testing SalivaGuard, a new sensor apparatus designed to recognize banned enthusiasts through rapid DNA analysis of their drool that inevitably drops near hot dog stands.
Cedar Fair has already purchased the software package and plans to have everything in place “in time to keep out CSTRTUL24 and AIRTIMEWHORE435 out of our beautiful parks.”