Enthusiast Apprehensive About Relationship After Rye Playland Visit

According to sources close to Guy Walter, the longtime coaster enthusiast is "somewhat apprehensive" about the future status of the relationship he has with his current girlfriend, Shannon.

"Everything seemed to be going really well," Walter noted. "Shannon's really cute and bright, and she actually makes about eight times the amount of money I do, so maybe she could function as a sugar momma for my coaster trips. But then she agreed to visit Rye Playland with me, and things turned sour."

Apparently, Walter's daydream became a nightmare when the couple rode on the park's exceptionally modest coasters, the wooden Dragon and the Crazy Mouse.

"She was terrified of both of them," he wailed. "Utterly terrified! She had to sit on a bench, and she was shaking, and then she said she liked me a lot, but she'd never ride another coaster with me ever again."

"She was scared of a friggin' mouse!" Walter screamed out, after a moment of silence. "A mouse! Augh!"

Walter stated that the situation was still up in the air. "I was initially just sick to my stomach over the whole thing," he said. "But Shannon's pretty hot, and she puts up with my hobby, and, much more importantly, dropped the terms 'enthusiasses,' 'upstop wheels,' and 'tick rides' in conversation recently. I guess I'll probably keep her around."

--JCK

Cheney Blames Edwards For Lame-Ass BORG Name

In a strongly-worded statement, Vice President Dick Cheney today blamed Democratic VP candidate John Edwards for what Cheney called "the totally lame-ass name for [relocated Vekoma flyer] BORG Assimilator at Paramounts Carowinds" in Edwards's home states of North and South Carolina.

"The fuzzyheaded liberal thinking of trial lawyer John Edwards leads to the abandonment of just fine names like Stealth and selection of something called BORG Assimilator," said Cheney, gesturing wildly and cursing regularly. "Idiot punks like trial lawyer Edwards just love this sort of thing and probably threatened to sue Paramount if they didn't name it BORG Assimilator. Goddamn trial lawyers."

"Did I mention that he's a trial lawyer?" Cheney added later. "He can go f*ck himself."

Edwards, running his hands through his luxurious head of hair, denied Cheney's charges. "I didn't have anything to do with the theming, though I wish I had, since the theming is all part of making one America. What Mr. Cheney may not understand is that my father worked in a mill, and that, as the son of a mill owner, I resent the idea that theming this roller coaster to a television show popular among those who work in mills is a bad idea."