Monday, February 10, 2003

Eastcoaster Ruined By Hot Chick

Numerous members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were looking forward to this year’s Eastcoaster event at the Holiday Inn and Conference Center in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania. Although this mid-winter event features no actual coaster riding, the combination of park presentations, videos, and, of course, free food, makes this a popular annual tradition. According to numerous sources close to ARN&R, however, this year’s Eastcoaster was “completely ruined” by the presence of a hot chick.

Witnesses say the hot chick was a “huge distraction.” Says Kevin Carlyle, 38, “she walked in and the whole place just shut down. These three guys knocked over two sales tables because they snapped their necks around so hard to look at the hot chick. All the guys were stammering and dropping things any time she got within twelve feet. Everyone kept dribbling chili all over their shirts because they couldn’t focus on anything else. We just aren’t used to seeing righteous babes like this at an ACE event.”

The hot chick has been identified as Kelly Kvandal, 24, an actress from New York City. She has ridden 67 roller coasters in her four years as an enthusiast, and, according to sources who were making feeble attempts to hit on her, appears not to have a boyfriend. Experts in the field of sexy babes inform ARN&R that Kvandal has blue eyes, very dark straight hair, and a body reminiscent of Alyssa Milano’s.

Tim Stafford, 17, notes that “we'd never had a 'ten' show up to a coaster gathering before. There was this reasonably cute chick that all of us followed around like pathetic puppy dogs for years, but she showed up at a park event last year with a rock the size of Gibraltar on her finger, so we basically gave up on ever getting any play with hot coaster babes. Then this sweet-ass girl came to Eastcoaster. I’m in love all over again, dude.”

Psychologist Janice Tarter claims that this sort of behavior is unavoidable. “We call this the ‘Attractive Woman Appearing at a Sausagefest Paradigm.’ None of these guys have ever before met such a hot chick that also likes coasters. Actually, now that I think about it, most of them have never once spoken to any girls anywhere else, either. It confuses them, and they act like what we in the psychology field call ‘imbeciles.’ Each and every one of the fourteen straight males at this conference of two hundred enthusiasts made a pathetic attempt to hit on this poor young lady. It’s disgraceful.”

According to male ACE members, none of the following pick-up lines proved remotely successful in convincing Kvandal to engage in sexual acts of any sort:

-I’ve got a woody that’s sure to make your top five.
-That ACE jacket looks real nice on you. It would look even better balled up on the floor next to the stained mattress in front of my Playstation.
-I can give you more airtime than the Phoenix, baby.
-My mom isn’t home right now…
-You don’t need a ThrustAir; you’ve got a ThrustScott right here.
-Exclusive Ride Time? Come out to my ’76 Chevy Vega in the parking lot and I’ll give you five
minutes of it right there.
-How bout you come back to my room and I make your timbers shiver?
-Busch Gardens named the Python after me, sweetcakes.
-Hey, toots. Wanna try out Todd: The Ride?
-Come over here and be my individual ratcheting lapbar.

As a public service announcement, the ARN&R staff speculates that these lines may prove ineffectual during attempts to seduce attractive women, and recommends that enthusiasts avoid making use of them in the future.

New Coaster Coasters To Be Unveiled

Revel Custom Imprints has announced a new line of products called Coaster Beverage Coasters. According to a company brochure, “these coasters will feature coasters from classic wooden coasters to steel mega giant coasters and will protect any surface from condensation rings caused by cold drink beverages.”

"Our coaster coasters will feature designs of famous coasters from Anaconda to Zonga (formerly known as Thriller and/or Texas Tornado) and will hold beverages up to 32 ounces," states Revel's VP of Public Fulfillment Barbara Vanderhoffen. "Our soft coaster coasters are made from the same material as our mouse pads. If you are allergic to latex, beware. Our hard coaster coasters are made from hardboard or plastic."

Revel Custom Imprints, considered to be at the forefront of anti-condensation technology by leading moisture experts, has been creating custom imprint items for the past 13 days.

"I've ordered a whole set of Vekoma Coaster Coasters," claims enthusiast Brent Diddledoe. "They'll look fine next to my Schwarzkopf mini-magnets I ordered from Revel a few days ago."

"We are X-tremely X-cited by Revel's bold revelation of custom coaster coasters," states Six Flags spokesperson Mark Stephenson. "This can be yet another addition to the onride coaster photo selection we offer, along with keychains and picture frames. Imagine…owning your very own onride coaster coaster... er ... coaster."


[Editor’s note: Don't forget about all the crap we have to offer at the ARN&R Online Shoppe. We may not have coaster coasters, but we’ve got bunches of Beast thongs and suet buffet bibs priced to move now.]