Thursday, April 05, 2007

Six Flags Great Adventure Opening Day Brings New Technology

Visitors to Six Flags Great Adventure this week were greeted by the newest example of the company’s dedication to customer service; self-service kiosks at the parking gates. Guests can now conveniently use their credit or debit cards to pay the massive charges levied for the privilege of parking their vehicles in the park’s hellish domain of cracked asphalt. But not to worry, says Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro, most people won’t even notice the difference.

“It’s all part of our plan to fully immerse guests in the Six Flags experience,” said Shapiro. “Guests can expect the same high level of customer service from these soulless automatons that they would receive from their flesh and blood counterparts.”

Reports from the park state that the wait time for processing and admission to the lot using the kiosks averages at around twelve minutes, which closely mirrors the time invested with a human parking booth attendant. In addition, the kiosks randomly blow cigarette smoke into the interior of visitors’ vehicles, and a robotic arm dangles park literature just out of reach. Unsubstantiated reports also proclaim that some kiosks will spray vehicle doors with urine, and ignore waiting customers while carrying on long-winded conversations with other kiosks about American Idol.

ARN&R has learned that if this experiment is a success, Six Flags may explore the possibility of installing more robotic appliances in its parks. Rumored positions include Guest Relations androids who digitally record customer complaints and replay them back in a contemptuous and mocking tone, and automated restroom attendants who remain fixed in one place, moving only to thumb through a copy of Cherry magazine.