Thursday, March 18, 2004

Batman Vows to Continue Fighting Pussy at Six Flags

The new Batman vs. Catwoman: Catfight show at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey is the latest venue for the caped crusader and his well-toned sidekick to continue their ongoing battle against the pair’s largest evil nemesis -- vaginas.  In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Batman revealed that Six Flags gave him a unique venue to share his views.

“Let’s face it, the straight agenda is really hurting my quality of life,” said Batman.  “We are continuing ‘Operation Fabulous’ in order to ensure gay pornography for every red-blooded man.  We are working against Vivid Video, Wicked Pictures and other video proprietors of hot threesomes, girl-on-girl action and, know better than I do, ARN&R, but let's just mention strap-ons.  Six Flags has given us a great opportunity to spend time with families.”

Great Adventure General Manager Bill Muirhead said he wasn’t concerned with the superhero’s battle against the clitoris.  “Every comic book character that comes to life has someone he or she fights.  Superman had Lex Luthor, The X-Men had Magneto, but Batman kicked his enemies’ collective asses a long time ago.  In 2004 Batman and Robin are waging war against camel toe and we only wish them the best of luck.”  He added, “Don’t forget to bring a Coke can for $2 off the admission price!”

“Frankly I don’t see what the big f*cking deal is,” purred Catwoman.  “I needed money to get a cyst removed, so I agreed to let Batman fight my ‘gina.  Big freakin’ deal.”

Steve Stephenson, Arts & Entertainment editor for The Village Voice, commented, “I don’t understand this show.  As gay people we have a lot more to worry about than roast beef curtains.  Karl Rove is scarier than any vagina I’ve ever seen.”

Many were surprised that Batman and Robin didn’t come out against a more pressing issue, such as gay marriage.  The Boy Wonder said, “We have been together for over 60 years and all I can say is that Batman is way more worried about access to porn than marrying me.  I even came home with makeup all over my privates after doing the Joker at Six Flags Great America and he didn’t say a word.  He was too busy scouring the Internet for pictures of Two Face ‘calling down for more mayo.’” Robin then sighed audibly and wiped a tear away.

“Kids, be sure to ask your parents to bring you by the stunt auditorium. After the show dads can get a free massage!” grinned the horny crime fighter.

The Batman vs. Catwoman Show opens with the park on April 3.

Emergency Airlift Reaches Vermont

Late last night, an emergency airlift was successfully carried out over Vermont. The secret mission, performed by seven Lockheed C-130 "Hercules" transports with an unknown number of F-16 fighter escorts, went off "without a hitch," according to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who thoughtfully took time off from bombing various brown people into oblivion to discuss the Vermont relief effort with ARN&R.

"The purpose of this mission was to bring fun and joy to the Federal Border Patrol in Vermont," said Rumsfeld. "Our officers up there have obviously been blinded by all the snow and driven insane by overdosing on the maple syrup, and the state has no roller coasters to relieve their crushing boredom and madness. We had to give them something fun to do immediately. We made a clandestine drop of two roller coasters, three flat rides, a carousel, and a food stand that sells those giant turkey legs. Now all we can do is pray."

Rumsfeld confirmed that the emergency airlift of amusement supplies to the Border Patrol was inspired directly by the recent experience of a coaster enthusiast named Kirk James. In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, James, 31, reports:

A couple weeks ago, my girlfriend and I were in Hanover, New Hampshire, because I had some work at Dartmouth and she wanted to visit friends there. We left our home in Connecticut, drove up to Hanover, spent a couple days there, and then drove home to Connecticut. Please note that during no part of our trip did we approach within several hours of Canada. Our entire trip took place well within the United States.

But then we were stopped at a U.S. Border Patrol checkpoint south of White River Junction, in Vermont. This was more than a little puzzling to us, since the U.S. border with Canada, unless there have been major plate tectonics occurring lately without anyone noticing, is several hours north of where the checkpoint was.

The guards asked if I was American, I said yes, then they ignored me. My girlfriend is British, and has very dark skin, and they immediately grew suspicious of her and demanded to see her passport and work papers. Of course she did not have them with her; foreigners residing in America are usually told to keep all important immigration materials locked in a safe so there is no risk of them being lost or stolen. Unless you leave the country or have business at an airport, when naturally you would bring all this documentation. I did remember to mention that we never left the U.S. or even got near the Canadian border though, right?

When she informed the guard that she did not have her passport, he grew aggressive, asking why she was here, what she was doing "coming down here," and asserting his opinion that she was in the country illegally. I pointed out to him that we were not coming down from Canada, but that we had come UP from Connecticut and to a point a few miles north of his checkpoint and had returned. Also, we politely told him that my girlfriend has been in the country legally for several years, and works as a researcher at a major medical facility at an Ivy League college.

We were detained for a period of time, then he walked into a building with her driver's license. He eventually returned, said he had managed to check up on her, and then told her "you are to carry your passport, visa, and work papers with you at all times. I'm letting you off this time, but you have to know we can find you and we can ask for your passport anytime, anywhere we feel like it." After thanking the nice man profusely to avoid being raped in the woods or executed on the spot, we were finally allowed to leave.

I'm plenty insulted that my hard-earned tax dollars are going to use for random harassment checkpoints hours south of the border. Are these guards so dumb they can't actually find the border? Have they conceded Burlington or Montpelier to potential dangerous foes, and only care about protecting Massachusetts? Do they really think terrorists are driving down I-91 in broad daylight instead lurking around on smaller roads?

The thing that ticks me off the most is the blatant racial profiling. All I had to do to be ignored was look pasty white, which I'm really good at since I'm incapable of tanning, and say "yeah" when asked if I'm American. They asked for no I.D. and had no problem at all. But as soon as they saw my girlfriend, they got up in her face and began berating and harassing her. This assumption by the U.S. Government that every brown person on the planet is The Enemy is so full of sh*t. Weren't the Oklahoma City bombings carried out entirely by white guys?

Rumsfeld said that, with the airlift of wacky amusement rides to Vermont, the Border Patrol should be engaged in fun, and have little need of randomly attempting to emulate the police-state tactics of the Soviet Union. "Well, actually, it's more likely that we'll be continuing to take away as many freedoms as possible in the next few months," said Rumsfeld thoughtfully. "But at least taking their minds off their jobs for a few hours on their new coasters will probably enable these officers to at least check a f**king map and see that they need to set up their armed checkpoint a few hours further north. You know, where the border is."