Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Six Flags Characters: “We Didn’t Know We Could Hit The Little F---ers.”

Costumed characters at the Six Flags chain of amusement parks are aghast at the release of videotape that allegedly shows Walt Disney World character Tigger assaulting a young boy without reason at the Florida vacation kingdom. But whereas the general public is shocked by the nature of the attack, Six Flags’ characters see it in a different light.

“I had no idea that we could hit those little f---ers like that!” said a character at Six Flags St. Louis who would only allow himself to be identified as Daffy D. “Disney isn’t even making him apologize. I’m sure if he’d have known he was going to get off that easy, he would have drawn blood on the little bastard. Sufferin’ succotash!”

At Six Flags Great America, a character known as F. H. Leghorn agrees. “Ah say, ah say, it’s nice to see Tigger striking a blow for all of us characters. There’s been so many times that ah’d loved to have laid a backhand into some little child who’s been a-yanking on my plumage. Ah wish ah’d known about this years ago.”

The situation appears ready to escalate, as cryptic postings from someone known only as “Bugs B.” have been appearing in Six Flags employee forums all over the internet. In the postings, “Bugs” appeals to his character brethren to rise up “against the establishment” in the 2007 season, and strike back “on behalf of underappreciated characters everywhere." He goes on to promise that the midways “will run crimson with the blood of the great unwashed," and that he would personally be posting a generous bounty for every child’s tooth collected off the pavement.

Characters from other theme park companies, such as Cedar Fair’s Snoopy, Gulliver’s Theme Park’s Gully Mouse and Lotte World’s Papa Twunk declined to comment officially, although Kuku from the Jian Hu Shan amusement park did vigorously quiz this reporter about possible job openings at Six Flags.

Not surprisingly, this news caused very little stir at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California. “Big f---ing deal," said a character identified as Marvin M. “We’ve been raisin’ our pimp hands to these little punks for years, so this s--t is old news to us.”