Monday, December 29, 2003

Amusement Parks are so Fun!

Yep, it's time, kiddies. We've kicked that hideous holiday ornament website to the curb and hooked you up with a brand-new Site O' the Weak: Carlianne's Hobbies Page. (Carlianne???)

Be patient, as Carlianne's webpage may take quite some time to load if, like certain assistant editors, you still have dial-up. You see, Carlianne is so excited to share all of her hobbies, she put all of them on one endless webpage!

Please join us in experiencing Carlianne's exciting sitting-by-the-fire, shopping, and rubber-stampin' hobbies, hear how she likes "reading about godly romantic love stories, and how to pursue relationships in a way that pleases God," and find out her sister is named "Sharnessa" and sings in a band that everyone should see, "cuz they're REALLY AWESOME...and they TOTALLY love Jesus!"

Of course, it wouldn't make our Site O' the Weak unless it had some amusement parks. Carlianne provides us with exclamation-point-laden descriptions of Wild Waves/ Enchanted Village and West Edmonton Mall ("It was soooo much fun!!!!").

Congratulations Carlianne! You can add "appearing on Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors" as one of your six trillion hobbies!

Six Flags Stock Prices Leaps on News of Christmas Income

Six Flags Theme Parks (NYSE: PARK) saw its stock price leap some 23% yesterday on news of unexpected income over the holidays.

According to Gary Story, outgoing park chain COO, the company received $25 in cash in a "really cute" holiday card from its great aunt and an additional $35 from its grandmother.

Additionally, Story and Kieran Burke, the chain's CEO, worked part-time over the holdiays at a Hickory Farms mall kiosk, bringing in a total of $645 after taxes. The net to the chain was $623, as Burke lost his uniform and its cost was deducted from his final paycheck.

"This $683 in pure profits is a great sign," said stock analyst Robert Damen of SmithBarneySolomonBurkeKline. "That's approximately, let me do the math, $683 more in profits than we've seen from them in years. If the chain stops operating its parks and shifts entirely to relative-sourced income and part-time work involving well-sealed sausages, it might just have a winning strategy. If, however, it continues to pursue the 'amusement park' idea, it's pretty much doomed."

Reports indicate that Story and Burke may pursue a job at an Oklahoma City mall location of Orange Julius, as the Hickory Farms kiosk is a seasonal operation. Burke is reportedly "addicted" to the outlet's "Cocoa Latte Swirls" and has become obsessed with obtaining an employee discount.