Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

Man Discovers Faith at Screamscape

Area engineer Ralph Lickshaft, 36, was a troubled man until recently. Although he felt that somewhere out there was a higher power, and he described himself as "somewhat spiritual," he had never found the religion that suited him.

"I just didn't know for sure what I believed," he said. "I had so many questions about various belief systems that I sometimes worried that I was truly lost. Is there a God? Did his son die for me? Might the mysticism of the East really be the answer? If I joined the Scientologists, would they let me fertilize myself with Tom Cruise's beautiful semen? I just didn't know."

Fortunately, all of Lickshaft's questions were answered accidentally by a recent visit to the amusement park news and rumors website Screamscape. On one of the pages, Lickshaft saw, amongst the seventeen billion other advertisements, a Fastclick banner proclaiming "Which religion is right for you? Find the Faith that fits. Take the free religion test." Along with the slogan, the ad listed several possible religions with helpful pictures.

"Naturally, I clicked on the advertisement," said the man. "I needed answers for how to conduct my life. After browsing the helpful link, I decided that Christianity and Hinduism were pretty cool, but clearly the right choice for me was to become a Hare Krishna."

Thank you for resolving all of life's mysteries for me, Screamscape!" he added.

--JCK