Monday, December 19, 2005

Willis McGahee Blamed For Park Closings

"I really hate Willis McGahee." So was the pronouncement last night from carpenter, coaster enthusiast, and avid fantasy football player Josh Warner, 41. "That little prick was a total waste of my first round pick in two fantasy leagues, where he proceeded to tank my seasons, make me finish in last place, and pretty much anally violate me on a weekly basis without even giving me a reach around."

"At first, I was only blaming McGahee for screwing up my fantasy seasons," said Warner. "But after I thought about it for a little while, I was fairly certain that he also caused Six Flags Astroworld and Whalom Park to close. I don't have any real proof of this, but he's such a p*ssy that I know he influenced them to shut down somehow, maybe because the owners had him on their teams and he sucked out their will to keep bothering with running a business." Warner further speculated that high gasoline prices, a weak dollar, and cockroaches might also be McGahee's fault, though he refused to go into specifics.

When asked for comment, McGahee grabbed a football from Kelly Holcomb, danced around nervously in the backfield, saw a defender thirty feet away, shit himself, slipped vaudeville-style on his own feces, and fell on the ground for a six-yard loss, whimpering like a little girl. Afterward, he proclaimed himself the greatest running back in the league, case closed.

"I loved Astroworld," concluded Warner. "I'll never forgive McGahee."