Wednesday, July 27, 2005

ACE Member Terminated

Lester Pryzbylewski, 33, had his membership in the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) terminated today due to violations of the ACE Code of Conduct and "gross incompetence as a roller coaster enthusiast." A member of ACE for seven years, Pryzbylewski was cited for three major violations of the Code within a span of a mere five days, leaving the organization with little choice but to discipline what one ACE official called "our little rebellious malcontent."

-The first violation occurred on Thursday, when Pryzbylewski and his girlfriend Martina drove into Pennsylvania to visit friends Friday. Running slightly late for dinner at the friends' house, the couple drove right by Dorney Park, despite the fact that it was fully visible from and easily accessible via Interstate 78.

"We didn't have the time to go to Dorney!" Pryzbylewski protests. "Rick was making dinner and we were going to be late. I know it's a clear violation of Article 7 of the ACE Code of Conduct to actually physically see a coaster and not go ride it, but I figured I could slip under the radar this time and come back later in the summer to get some Hydra. Plus I did actually leave a nose print on the car window from ogling the thing. But officially you don't get credit for ogling a coaster, only riding it, so I actually would have accepted a reprimand or suspension for my behavior that evening."

-Article 7 reared its brutal head a day later, as Pryzbylewski visited Hersheypark's Chocolate World without setting foot in the actual park once.

"Now this one I don't get," said the exasperated enthusiast. "For not going to Dorney I was clearly in error, but I can explain this one. See, we had a bunch of people staying at Rick's, and there were babies involved that would have gotten fussy, and two of the people in the group won't ride coasters, and we hadn't all seen each other in about five years and we thought actually socializing might be nice, plus it was an utterly packed Saturday where we would've been in line all day in 120 degree heat. It seemed like it would be fun to go see that silly free ride and get a candy bar, though. What the hell is wrong with that?"

"Rules are rules," said an anonymous ACE official when asked for comment. "You play with fire, you get burned. A real enthusiast would leave the babies and non-riders in the car while he entered Hersheypark for a full day of fun by himself. His failure to do so sets a bad example, and will be severely punished."

-The last violation, which allegedly occurred on Tuesday, came as "a complete and utter surprise" to the enthusiast. When he returned home from what he calls "an innocent trip" to take a friend to Bradley International Airport, he found an email from the ACE Executive Committee informing him that he was not only being cited from gross misconduct or suspended, but immediately terminated from the club. "What the hell did I even do?" he positively wailed.

"Mr. Pryzbylewski should hardly be surprised that he was penalized for violating rules on Tuesday," said the ACE official. "Article 8 of the Code lays out dire penalties for failing to respond appropriately to roller coaster stimulus while out of the house. This man left his home and drove a friend to an airport near Hartford. Yet he did not see fit to make time for his duty of going to an amusement park while he was out? Checking our records, it can be seen that he passed within 34.51 miles of Lake Compounce, 13.76 miles of Six Flags New England, and 3238.06 miles of Vancouver Playland, and he did not ride a coaster at any of them. He's lucky we didn't execute him."

According to eyewitness accounts, Pryzbylewski is currently sobbing himself to sleep thinking about how much it will harm him in the coming months not to receive ACE News or have loud, smelly people ooze halfway into his seat during exclusive ride times.