Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Disney Adds Barf Bags to Small World

Following the news this week that Disney would be installing barf bags on its Mission: Space attraction at EPCOT, industry experts wondered if the trend would continue. It took only a matter of hours before Disney indeed added another ride to its collection of attractions outfitted with Technicolor Yawn Containment Systems. The second ride prepped in this manner is Small World, at the Magic Kingdom.

"Although not all Small World riders have gotten so violently ill that they were forced to waste their groceries in projectile fashion, it does happen more than hourly," said a Disney rep who spoke on condition of anonymity. "In fact, it may surprise people to learn that Small World causes more retching and vomiting than any other ride in any of our Florida parks. Of course, Mission: Space causes physical discomfort and explosive hurling because of its intense G forces, while Small World probably makes guests throw up due to its cloying nature and endless repetition of that hideous banshee-like song."

Cast Members will be trained this week in use of the Technicolor Yawn Containment System, which consists of a high tech "bag" with a "lining" that guests made ill by the saccharine horrors of Small World can "fill" with "gallons of puke" to ease the clean-up after they exit the ride.

New Pittsburgh Park to Offer Free Puppies, Liquor, Lodging

The enthusiast community is abuzz with discussion of a proposed new Pittsburgh-area amusement park to be known as Only in America Amusement Complex. To be built for just over $100 million, early reports indicate that the park promises short lines, major rides including very long coasters, occasional "free days," and a very low admission fee.

In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report that the park will also provide each visitor with a free purebred puppy, an open bar (for those of proper age), and free luxury accomodations.

"We're pretty excited about all of this," said a high-level executive of the park, reached at his current job as a sandwich technician at a Subway. "We picked up a case of MGD a couple of weeks ago and did the math while watching Price is Right, and we're pretty sure $15 per patron will be plenty to cover all of that, plus a tidy profit for us."

The management team is exploring other options to make the park more appealing, including offering complimentary private jet transportation for anyone wishing to visit from more than fifty miles away, a roving team of Swedish masseuses (taking the place of the traditional theme park marching band), and a daily winner, chosen at random, of a full-year all-expenses-paid around-the-world vacation.