Wednesday, July 28, 2004

National Millennium Force Publicly-Not-Fitting-in-Seat Nightmare Over

It's a beautiful day.  You just shelled out a ton of money to park at Cedar Point, enter Cedar Point, and buy lots of crap with Cedar Point logos on it.  You've been waiting in line for three hours to ride Millennium Force.  You've already made your own succulent gravy by stewing in the sun, your ears are numb from the booty music being blasted at you by the stupid line DJ, and your nerves are frazzled from pointing out dozens of inaccuracies in what the people around you are saying about roller coaster lift hill heights.  But sweet relief appears in front of you, as you approach the gate for the front seat.  That blessed, spectacular, and pant-creaming ride on MF looms seconds away.  Eagerly you board the train. 
And then, it happens.  You squirm, you struggle, you suck in that gut, you lop off body parts with that machete, but to no avail.  You simply won't fit in that Millennium Force car, with its damn new short seatbelt!
If this scenario causes you to awake late at night, sweating and screaming and shaking, then we have just the website for you.  Our Site O' the Weak, MF Test Seat Guide: Can You Fit? provides the valuable service of explaining, with helpful pictures and text, how to test yourself at home to see whether you fit in the MF seats, sparing you the mortal shame of being kicked off of this coaster in front of thousands because you can't squeeze in. 

More importantly, there are crotch shots for your viewing pleasure.

Despite repeated requests, we have been unable to ascertain whether, in the near future,  any coaster enthusiasts will be developing any home practice products for the following: pulling their shorts halfway up their chest, wearing black socks and flip-flops together, chanting "one more time, one more time" at ride ops at higher volume,  giving random uninterested strangers lectures on coaster manufacturers and brake types, or failing to get dates.

Moonshine in Alabama

Note: Sometimes ARN&R is accused of making up stories.  To prove that the truth is more frightening than fiction we have conducted confidential interviews to bring you this disgusting deed, perpetrated by one of ACE’s highest-ranking members (no, not that one).  Some names have been changed to protect the scarred.

It was a hot day, the kind Alabama was known for in June.  The place was Bessemer, Alabama, home of Visionland Amusement Park and nothing else.  Back amongst the trees sat a large wooden monster called Rampage that enthusiasts were enjoying. But, these purveyors of coaster nonsense weren’t just having a day at the park, they were there for the annual event entitled Rip Roarin’ Rampage.

One enthusiast, whom we’ll call Tim, chatted with a friend, whom we’ll call Frank, in line.  They agreed the coaster had run great all day and was only getting better.

“It was a typical day at Visionland,” said Tim. “Good rides on Rampage, a dirty amusement park and a small crowd with ten teeth among them.”

Frank chimed in, “I remember our rides on Rampage like it was yesterday.  We queued for the back seat and noticed a badly dressed Coaster Tool in front of us.  However, with this being an ACE event that was commonplace throughout the day.”

The sun beat down as the pair climbed into the PTC train.  The seat belts were hot to the touch as Frank and Tim buckled in and lowered their lap bars.  Then, it happened.

Tim said, “I looked up and saw an ACE member trying to stand up from the train.  Of course it was a bit funny that he was too large to get out of the coaster train comfortably.  But then my jaw dropped.”

Standing in front of the pair was a rather large ACE member that was more than just “a little large.”  This gentleman stood up and featured so much girth that his pants and underwear stayed below in the seat because they got stuck.  Read that line again and let the thought of a large, pale, pimple-ridden white ass really sink in.

Shortly-thereafter Frank looked up and felt that he was staring at a car wreck.  He said, “It was one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen, but I just couldn’t look away.  All I could feel was my retinas burning.”

The aloof enthusiast tried to pull his pants up, but the damage had been done.  Other enthusiasts, yokels and locals had all seen our fearless leader put his pasty cheeks in front of everyone.  

While disgusting, we at ARN&R felt we had to share this story.  Hopefully it makes you realize that if all we did was tell the truth about enthusiasts this medium would be decidedly negative.