Monday, March 08, 2004

Code & Coaster Nerds Vie For Holy Grail of Tools

Men who will never have anyone care for them saw an interesting note on CoasterBuzz today. Werner Stengel, the legendary roller coaster designer, is holding a contest to have a new website designed for his company. While the current website is pretty awful, it was at least designed by someone who knows the amusement industry.

We can only imagine what sort of travesty dozens of enthusiasts who live with their parents will think of. The ARN&R staff, in a fit of investigative journalism, called some of the people submitting website concepts to Stengel. Here is what they found:

Scott Fappny, 45, "Code Slinger"

"I plan to utilize a new form of code that has the best aspects of Javascript combined with the functionality of traditional --[Click]" (It is believed that the ARN&R reporter hung up at this point.)

Tim Johnson, 34, Jizz Mopper at The Vibraphone

"My goal for the website of Werner Stengel, or, as I call him, my new best friend, is to make a site that reflects his kick ass rides. I mean this dude has done it all. Did I say dude, I meant God! I was thinking of switching from AOL to Tripod, but I haven't got much further than that. I will win that first class ticket to Nazi land."

Random Guy in The Florida Coaster Club Phone Book, Forty-something, Prison Bitch

"Tera, Tera, Tera!"

Jeff Smithtis, 26, 4th Year Senior at Ball State

"Slow down man, I have a wicked buzz...That's better. The Steng-dog is the shiznit. Yo, I mean for shizzle my nizzle. I am so street. I was thinkin' of introducing him to some Tupac when we hang together for the day. My favorite Stengel coaster? Have to be Son of Beast, because when you make it an acronym it is S.O.B. That's awesome."

Brittany Lynn Swanson could not be reached for comment.

"Pitty" The Fool

Our Site O' the Weak is quite simple and to the point this time around. Enjoy "Mr T'stir rollar coaster in funland," a web page so catastrophically stupid that we cannot find words to adequately describe how awful it is that this fetid mound of marmot scat is actually being allowed to consume bandwidth.
Tig Ole Bitties Coming to Six Flags Great America's New Mardi Gras Section

General Manager Tim Black has a lot on his mind these days. With five new rides and an inventive new Mardi Gras area of the park he is a happy man. "I think it will be the best addition to the park since it opened," he commented in an exclusive ARN&R interview.

What makes Black so happy? Tits -- and lots of 'em. "We all know that Mardi Gras brings out the best, or should I say breast, in women. They take their tops off and jiggle those fun bags for some worthless beads. That is a beautiful thing."

Gary Story, former president of Six Flags, agrees, "The ladies of Chicago and Milwaukee have some ripe melons and we are more than happy to give them an opportunity to show those perky pokers off."

Among the new flat rides this year are a Zamperla Rockin' Tug, a Zamperla Balloon Race, and a Huss Top Spin. "The Rockin' Tug and Balloon Race each can hold 48 breasts, while the Top Spin can push through around 1600 pendulous sacks per-hour. Personally, I can't wait to see four pairs of twenty-something tattums spinning on that Crazy Mouse," commented head of Maintenance Tom Williams. When asked why he was looking forward to all these breasts, when many amusement park guests are unkempt white trash, Williams got strangely quiet.

General Manager Black's largest fear is male coaster enthusiasts. With a worried face he said, "We do understand that some of these gentlemen do have rather huge man boobs, but no one at the park cares to see them." Despite this fact, the Coaster Zombies still have their "You Can't Get Milk Out of These" Coaster Tour scheduled to hit Gurnee on August 24. "I am warning these pasty white Zombies right now, keep those shirts on and those cottage cheese tats inside. If we have to escort you out it will be with a trash bag over your gut," Black grumbled.

Six Flags Great America opens May 1 and adult tickets are $41.99, but half-off for topless women.