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Tig Ole Bitties Coming to Six Flags Great America's New Mardi Gras Section

General Manager Tim Black has a lot on his mind these days. With five new rides and an inventive new Mardi Gras area of the park he is a happy man. "I think it will be the best addition to the park since it opened," he commented in an exclusive ARN&R interview.

What makes Black so happy? Tits -- and lots of 'em. "We all know that Mardi Gras brings out the best, or should I say breast, in women. They take their tops off and jiggle those fun bags for some worthless beads. That is a beautiful thing."

Gary Story, former president of Six Flags, agrees, "The ladies of Chicago and Milwaukee have some ripe melons and we are more than happy to give them an opportunity to show those perky pokers off."

Among the new flat rides this year are a Zamperla Rockin' Tug, a Zamperla Balloon Race, and a Huss Top Spin. "The Rockin' Tug and Balloon Race each can hold 48 breasts, while the Top Spin can push through around 1600 pendulous sacks per-hour. Personally, I can't wait to see four pairs of twenty-something tattums spinning on that Crazy Mouse," commented head of Maintenance Tom Williams. When asked why he was looking forward to all these breasts, when many amusement park guests are unkempt white trash, Williams got strangely quiet.

General Manager Black's largest fear is male coaster enthusiasts. With a worried face he said, "We do understand that some of these gentlemen do have rather huge man boobs, but no one at the park cares to see them." Despite this fact, the Coaster Zombies still have their "You Can't Get Milk Out of These" Coaster Tour scheduled to hit Gurnee on August 24. "I am warning these pasty white Zombies right now, keep those shirts on and those cottage cheese tats inside. If we have to escort you out it will be with a trash bag over your gut," Black grumbled.

Six Flags Great America opens May 1 and adult tickets are $41.99, but half-off for topless women.

--FMB