Thursday, February 12, 2004

Comcast Makes Unsolicited Bid for NASA, Kazakhstan

Declaring that this would be the week that an incompetent cable company with a strong hatred for its customers would make an effort to greatly expand the scope of its business drastically outside its all-too-limited capabilities, Comcast Cable today announced that it would make unsolicited bids to purchase NASA and the former Soviet republic of Kazakhstan. The announcement came on the heels of Comcast's $66 billion offer for Disney.

"We've been not satisfying our customers in the relatively straightforward business of connecting televisions to wires for years now, and we've decided it's time to not satisfy customers in other business areas where we have absolutely no relevant experience!" declared Brian L. Roberts, Comcast's CEO. "If you think you've been insulted and ignored by Comcast's customer service representatives, wait until we get that same can't-do attitude instilled in Disneyland employees! I look forward to a day where not only will Mickey Mouse refuse to pose for a picture with your kids, but will send you bills for the picture for months afterwards. Mickey might take a leak on your pants-leg, too."

On today's bids for NASA and Kazakhstan, Roberts was similarly enthusiastic. "All NASA really needs is to learn from the efficiency of our cable installers. If we just told Congress that we would launch a mission to Mars sometime between 10 a.m. on January 1, 2009, and 3:00 p.m. on December 31, 2056, I'd say the pressure would be off and the funding would keep on coming!"

"And what can I say about Kazakhstan? Actually, you know, I can't say anything about Kazakhstan. We just had some more money and thought it'd be fun to own a country. I don't even know where it is."

Sources indicate that Comcast may also seek to purchase the University of Texas and most of the national park system.