Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Confidential to Someone Secret Whose Handle Might Rhyme with Roasta-Flaya

Our darling,
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe
Boy, we don't know, we don't know why
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe

Oh, some things ARN&R can't get used to
No matter how we try
It's like the more you give, the more we want
And baby, that's no lie, oh, no, babe

How can ARN&R explain all the things we feel
You've given us so much, boy, you're so unreal
Still we keep loving you more and more each time
Boy, what are we gonna do because you're blowin' our collective mind

[Ed. Note: What, you expected more on the CPO? We've gotta get back to our mission statement somehow, and this somehow seemed like the logical way.]
ARN&R Promises Not to Call Lee Coaster "Thunder Pissy" Ever Again

Breaking News

We at the AbsolutelyReliable Towers in San Francisco, and our executives lolling about the AbsolutelyReliable Hot Tub with Jessica Alba and Kristen Kreuk, convened via conference call to determine the course of action to take regarding this kind missive from the object of everyone's affection, Lee Coaster of the Coaster Preservation Organization:

Ok, here is the deal, you can post your fake articles,but do not change ThunderFun to Thunder Pissy. I am very pooped over this debate, and will have it come to an end soon.

Lee Coaster

We heartily thank Mr. Coaster for giving us permission at long last to openly mock and taunt him at our website, especially given his utterly pathetic attempt to threaten us in a previous letter. We're glad that it's now okay for us to make a mockery of this idiotic little twit, and pledge to write as many articles as possible doing so. Such as here, here, here, and here. More to come!

Also, we promise to you, Mr. Coaster, we shall never, ever, under any circumstance, ever refer to you again as "Thunder Pissy." See, it's easy for us to do that, because we never did call you Thunder Pissy. Think of what other word starts with a P and ends with a Y. Actually, it's spelled the same except that there is a "u" as opposed to an "i." So we'll just keep calling you Thunder Pu#@y so we won't make you mad by referring to you as "Thunder Pissy." Thanks for your support.

Mockery of Coaster Preservation Organization ‘Formly’ Club Continues

ARN&R continues its valuable public service of letting the public and the outstanding intellects of the Coaster Preservation Club know when derision, mockery, pointing and laughing, and any general untoward wacky shenanigans are being undertaken in regards to this wonderful, amazing website and its fearless simian leader, Thunder P&%sy.

In addition to the crown jewel in the collection of “CPC formly CPO” mockery listed below, the Koaster Preservation Klub, we have been made aware of several comments on other websites that seem to be making fun of the little 5-year-old bed-wetter. This one is representative:

Thank you for finally writing some articles about these idiots. All of us at CoasterBuzz have been mocking them for a while, but this puts them on a bigger stage. It's always nice to see kids pulling laws out of their asses to threaten amusement parks.

Keep up the great work and continue with the CPO mockery.

We’ve gotten others, but this is the prevailing opinion. It would be best if Mr. P&%sy send a threatening email to every internet address on the planet, just in case any of these addresses are used by those who are enjoying seeing him being mocked.

Additionally, we at ARN&R call your attention to the ongoing discussion at Coasterbuzz, where Mr. Coaster has obviously made lots of friends. Four pages worth, and counting, actually. There are many, many quotes that we like…er, I mean, that we are appalled by or something….but we especially like Teknoscorpion’s take on the situation:

I've now decide to start my own Coaster Saving orgonizasun(hehe)

Coaster Rescurers And Preservationistsissts

The site will be up in a few days, Joint C.R.A.P. Now for only $2000. Our law is any coaster that is SBNO for more than 12 hours is ours, or we'll sue. I'm the Grand Masterflash of the org., so just send a check to me made out to TeknoScorpion P.O. Box 1313 Mockingbird Ln. Munsterville, AL. Who [wants] to join??

Mr. Teknoscorpion, we know you were hoping for an interview. We’d love to hear your further thoughts, so send us an email and we’ll chat! Did we make your day?

Then there is this laughably stupid website that seeks solely to mock and taunt poor Lee Coaster of the CPO “formly” CPC, which we think is just really mean. Someone has way too much time on their hands to….oh, what’s that? Oh! Apparently this is an actual webpage where Mr. Coaster lists his exciting plans to build a backyard coaster called Project: Wild Angel. We thought the part where he sent a letter to PTC asking for a train had to be a hilarious joke, but that appears not to be the case. Oops.

CPO! Get after these bad, nasty people!

The Community Comes Together

In response to our heartfelt plea to let us know about any unpleasant mockery of the Coaster Preservation Organization ("formly CPC"), we heard about this horrible, offensive, terribly bothersome site called the Koaster Prezervation Klub. We were shocked -- shocked! -- to see that someone is out there making fun the "CPO(formly CPC)."

So, here's our notification to Lee Coaster, Grand Poobah of the real "CPO(formly CPC)" -- you probably want to send the folks there a nice note like you did to us.

More on this breaking story later. Promise.
PKD Midway Olympics Revised

Paramount’s King’s Dominion developed a little special treat for ACE members attending the historic 25th anniversary Coaster Con, to be held next week at the popular Virginia park. As reported in the event flyer and in ACE News, PKD will be featuring the PKD Midway Olympics, which was to be “team tournament play in all our favorite Midway games: Whack-A-Mole, Quarter Toss, Skee Ball, Ring Toss, Basketball Free Throw, and others.”

Unfortunately, vehement protests by ACE members promptly curtailed the scheduled games. “I don’t think most members of our organization would be capable of doing most of these games,” said Bob Gooboski, 43. “King’s Dominion is really being unfair with these games, considering how nerdy and sedentary most of us are. If it doesn’t have something directly to do with useless information about a roller coaster or our mom’s basements or jacking off, they can’t expect us to be putting in any effort. Sorry.”

Hundreds of other members voiced similar complaints, complaining, for example, that it would be “completely unreasonable for ACE members to undergo the incredible exertion required to shoot a few basketballs,” and that “the only thing we’re capable of tossing is the ham javelin.” Sources tell ARN&R that a boycott was imminent as of last night, leading to fears that ERT lines would be under four hours on some days of the conference.

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. “All it took was a quick revision,” says Mike Rotch, PKD’s Assistant Manager of Special Olympic Events. “We’ve dropped all of these physically demanding exercises and tough mental challenges that no enthusiast is remotely capable of completing. Instead, we’ll have an Olympics with really great, fun events that are sure to please these ACE members.”

Rotch went on to confirm that all previously announced events would be cancelled, and that the following ones would be established in their place: Identifying the Bastard Ride Ops Who Staple You in Your Seat, Barbecue Eating Contest, Listing Dozens of Your Favorite Obscure Coasters to Family Members and Random Strangers Who Don’t Give a S%#&, Pie Eating Contest, Writing Detailed Notes on Each Coaster Ride While on it Instead of Enjoying the Damn Thing, Chicken Eating Contest, Pathetically Following the Three Attractive Female ACE Members Like Pathetic Little Yapping Dogs, Gravy Drinking, Bitching About Not Getting Loads of Free Stuff After Getting Loads of Free Stuff, Lard Eating Contest, and, of course, Vigorous Masturbation. ACE members universally applauded the new format. The competition thus far seems to be evenly matched, with no clear-cut favorites, except of course in the Vigorous Masturbation category, where Thunder P&#%sy of the Coaster Preservation Organzation 'Formly' Club is considered unassailable.