Thursday, September 05, 2002

Six Flags Acknowledges Inappropriate Accounting of Funnel Cake Sugar

In breaking news, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. (NYSE: PKS) today issued a press release indicating that it had discovered that a seasonal employee at Six Flags Fiesta Texas had engaged in accounting malfeasance. Specifically, the employee misrepresented the volume of sugar used in preparing funnel cakes in order to cover up his near-constant eating of the sugar.

"Unfortunately, he just was too addicted to the sugar to get help," said Beth Cargill, human resources manager at the theme park. "He was eating upwards of ten tablespoons of the stuff a day. Fortunately, our outside audit team caught the discrepancy by comparing Fiesta Texas's sugar usage to that of other parks in the chain."

The employee, who has not yet been identified, was immediately fired and was said to be the subject of an SEC investigation.
Public Relations, Marketing, Planning, Budgeting, Administrative, Executive, Ride Operations, Finance, Food Service, Janitorial, Security, and Special Events Departments of Every Amusement Park Chain and Company Completely Unaware of "Open Letter to the Industry"

Joe Fredrickson, fifteen-year-old coaster enthusiast in suburban Madison, Wisconsin, recently posted an "open letter" to the amusement park industry listing his series of complaints about the parks he had visited. "It was a great letter," Frederickson told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. "I really hit them where it hurt, explaining, in detail, the problems with every part of the industry and how they had to change to keep my business. I focused mostly on better pizza sauce. Since I'm the heart of their target market -- and since I posted it on, which I hear gets, like, hundreds of hits a month -- I really thought it'd shake things up."

When reached for comment, spokespeople for the Public Relations, Marketing, Planning, Budgeting, Administrative, Executive, Ride Operations, Finance, Food Service, Janitorial, Security, and Special Events Departments of Six Flags, Busch, Paramount, Kennywood, and Universal Studios, as well as independent park operators representing approximately eighty percent of the parks in the United States, all but one said they had not heard of the letter or the site.

"Joe Fredrickson? Nope, never heard of him. You say he wrote an open letter to the industry? Hmm. Missed that one," said Thor Perseue, a Cedar Fair spokesman. "We take every visitor's concerns seriously, though, and we will be certain to examine his letter -- wait a minute. Did you say he was worried about pizza sauce? Nah, we're not gonna take that seriously."  Perseus called back later to add, "What a loser. Screw him." Similar comments were received throughout the industry. One ride operator who answered the phone at Big Chief's Karts & Coasters stated that the park was considering the letter "very seriously," but he was later determined to be Fredrickson's younger brother lowering his voice to sound more adult. webmaster John Pegsley, once he was reminded that he was webmaster of a site called, said, "Uh, we remain confident that our site is central to the industry. Why, looking at our logs, it's clear that we get a huge amount of traffic from AOL executives...or at least people who use AOL."
Intamin, Six Flags Announce Innovative Collaboration for Halloween Events

In what is being hailed as a breakthrough in Halloween events, Six Flags and Intamin announced yesterday a never-before-seen attraction to be premiered at Six Flags New England. The attraction, known presently by its trade name, "Kill a Guy," will be initially launched during SFNE's "FrightFest" Halloween event under the name "Kill a Foreign Guy." In the event, foreign exchange workers will be placed on the tracks of coasters throughout the park at random times. In almost every instance, the employee will be given sufficient time to escape the approaching coaster train.

"But a few lucky riders," says Gary Story, head of Six Flags Theme Parks Inc., "will get to be present at the end of a human life. None of this theatrical fake crap for us like at Knott's. Nope. This is actual death." Story then twitched visibly and was seen trying to keep his hat on over the apparent demonic horns growing from his head.

Intamin, a growing coaster and other ride company from Switzerland, is involved to ensure the complete safety of passengers on the death-bringing coasters, according to spokesman Jan Smagby. "No, we would not want any of the people on the trains to get hit by a limb or other body part; they might get hurt! So we have developed a special harness for the exchange workers, ensuring that their bodies will remain fully together, if not fully functional, after impact. Still, there might be a little blood." The workers are expected to have been tested for communicable diseases prior to being "volunteered" for duty in the attraction, so as to minimize any danger from flying blood or other fluids.

When reached for comment, the YMCA -- sponsor of the foreign exchange workers' trip to the U.S. -- was ambivalent. "On the one hand, we'd prefer that the workers be alive and able to return next summer. On the other hand, we and Six Flags pretty much treated them horribly this summer, so the odds of that were pretty low to begin with. And we've gotten a full summer of work out of them, so it's really not too big a deal to us."

In related news, Knott's was said to be in negotiations with California officials to feature the execution of a prisoner on California's Death Row during the Knott's Scary Farm event, held yearly at Knott's Berry Farm.