Friday, May 30, 2003

Breaking News: Coasterbuzz Member Patiently Awaits Hot Date

We at ARN&R are pleased to announce the blossoming of young love on the internet, specifically at Coasterbuzz (where else?). A presumably young enthusiast named Alexander took the unusual step this week of asking, on an open forum, a girl enthusiast's mother to put the two of them in touch online. Snickering this pronounced and snorty has seldom graced the hallowed marble hallways of either the American Coaster Enthusiasts World Headquarters or the AbsolutelyReliable Mansion.

Alexander’s desperate and slightly stalkerish behavior was put into motion by this week's presentation of the new Discovery reality show Thrill Rides: Put to the Test. The presumably (and hopefully) young enthusiast developed a not-entirely-unexpected crush on the blonde, cursing teenager from Ohio. To his breathless and unexpected delight, Alexander, then discovered that both the girl’s mother and her riding partner from the show are regular Coasterbuzz forum participants.

A spectacular and brilliant plan formed in his mind. He would boldly scam on the pretty young lass by posting a helpful message to her mother at Coasterbuzz, the first choice of suave Don Juans across the world.

"[H]ave your daughter e-mail me sometime," he helpfully suggested. "Im [sic] a teen Ohio coaster nut too. My address is in my profile."

The young fellow elsewhere brags of the fact that he posted over a thousand messages on the Thrillride! forums (which he oddly, and fictionally, identifies as operating as far back as 1998) -- an attractive feature to any girl, no doubt.

"This is a most unusual method of obtaining a date," said noted sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. "In all my dozens of years, I have never before seen someone so desperate and freakish as to attempt to hit on a young lady in this fashion. The awesome desperation and utter disregard for humiliation it takes to see a young lady on TV, never meet her, and then send a poorly edited post on a substantially-read open forum, requesting the girl’s mother pass along his sexy stats...what a dork."

The girl from the show was unavailable for comment on the touching romantic display from her stalker, but ARN&R presumes most of it would have been unprintable anyway.


Ed. Note: The subject of this story informed ARN&R that we (along with every single CoasterBuzz reader of his posting) had misinterpreted his intentions. He states that his intention was to invite the Ohio teenager to an event at Cedar Point. He also noted that he has a girlfriend whom he adores.
Ticked Off Enthusiast Misled By Movie

This past weekend, coaster enthusiast Anthony Montana got really ticked off, according to witnesses. Apparently, the self-described "coaster master" felt betrayed and confused by the recent movie A Mighty Wind.

Montana's confusion apparently stemmed from a scene in the movie that showed a huge roller coaster called Whiplash, supposedly located at an amusement park in Tallahassee, Florida. Montana's best friend, Manny Rodriguez, laughed as he related to ARN&R how excited Montana was to fly to the Florida state capitol on short notice and at great expense, just so he could be one of the first riders to experience the majestic splendor of Whiplash. "I kept telling that dumbass that there is no park in Tallahassee, and that the coaster in the film looked like it was Six Flags Magic Mountain’s Deja Vu with a new name plastered on it, but he wasn’t listening. What a moron."

Upon arriving at the gloriously huge and modern Tallahassee airport, Montana encountered great difficulty in getting someone to show him how to get to the amusement park in town. "Everybody kept claiming there wasn’t one, or told me I was stupid. Why wouldn’t the people in this town be aware of a big new ride like Whiplash right in their backyard? It's a wonder the stupid place stays open, with fools like this living around here." After unsuccessfully searching for the coaster for two full days, Montana took in all the sights of 'Hassee, which basically consist of a nice restaurant called Cool Beans, a state capitol that looks like giant male genitals, loads of dirt, some rednecks, and plenty of drunk frat boy date rapists.

Leaving the city without ever having ridden Whiplash, Montana sneered out the window of his plane and gave the city of Tallahassee the middle finger while yelling out: "Say 'ello to my little friend!"


Wednesday, May 28, 2003

TTD Developments: Cable, Supports, Track, Train, Train Accoutrements, Station Break
Guide to the Point and CoasterBuzz Experts: "Just Breaking in the New Ride"

On-the-spot witnesses confirm, in an ARN&R exclusive, that Cedar Point's new "stratacoaster" Top Thrill Dragster has had a number of mishaps. Specifically, the cable, supports, track, train, train accoutrements, and the station have all broken, most of them catastrophically.

However, engineering experts at websites Guide to the Point and CoasterBuzz have all categorically stated that the cable snapping, the supports collapsing, the track flying off across the midway, one train shooting off into a nearby show (seriously injuring "actors"), flying tires decaptiating passersby, and the entire station collapsing under 5 miles-per-hour winds are all "just your ordinary early days of a coaster" and "nothing to be concerned about."

"I can't believe how the media has overblown these so-called problems, and I'm far from a CP FanBoy," wrote MeanStrkRulz, known as an engineering expert based on years of experience with Tinker-Toys. "Things go wrong, and how could you expect the Intamin geniuses to anticipate every little problem? Gotta go -- Mom needs the computer!"

"I concur," wrote noted coaster design expert and tenth grader RaptorRulesMySky. "Occasionally in the early days of a coaster every possible component of the ride will cease to work, often resulting in serious injury or death. You can't blame Intamin or Cedar Point -- for example, take the supposed 'incident' involving the station. How could they have known to build the station to withstand gale-force winds of four or even five miles per hour? The park is on Lake Erie! Who would expect wind?"

Inside sources tell ARN&R that TTD will be up and running again soon, and that Cedar Point expects to reduce the life-threatening incidents to no more often than once weekly by the end of the season.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

New Contributors

We at ARN&R are pleased to announce that the entire P.R. staff of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom has joined the writing staff. As their collective first contribution, we provide you with the following press release, which we swear is exactly as it was distributed.

Greezed Lightnin' Opens to Rave Reviews at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom
Friday April 25, 7:00 am ET

LOUISVILLE, KY--(INTERNET WIRE)--Apr 25, 2003 -- Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's eighth roller coaster, Greezed Lightnin', is now open to the public and electrifying ecstatic thrill seekers!

Greezed Lightnin' leaves riders breathless, blasting out of the coaster station like a bolt of lightning, rocketing from zero to 60 miles per hour in less than six seconds. There's no time to scream before zooming through the 76-foot-tall vertical loop, and soaring up the 142-foot incline. Just as passengers begin to relax and think the ride is over, the coaster plunges backward down the incline and back through the 360-degree loop again -- in 35 seconds flat. The coaster's exhilarating streak continues as the train coasts up the tail of the ride and glides safely back into the station.

Greezed Lightnin' is the first roller coaster of its kind in this region. The coaster's unique catapult mechanism propels riders from zero to 60 m.p.h. in seconds, similar to the catapult action utilized on aircraft carriers.

"The awesome power and speed of Greezed Lightnin' is captivating even the most seasoned thrill seekers, providing them with an exhilarating, and surprising experience," said Lee Graham, Vice-President and General Manager of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. "There's nothing else like it!"

Greezed Lightnin' is a steel "shuttle loop" coaster that stands at 142 feet tall, and spans 583 feet on the ground. The coaster has one 49-foot-long train, which consists of seven cars each holding four persons, for a total of 28 passengers per ride.

Members of American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) are cheering the opening of the newest coaster at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. "Being blasted out of the coaster station, then going forwards and backwards through the loop make Greezed Lightnin' a truly remarkable ride," says Scott Holmes, an ACE member. "With just a lap restraint holding the rider safely in place, there is nothing to interfere with the view or the wind rushing through your hair!"

Greezed Lightnin' is located on the front side of the park, near the Tin Lizzies antique cars and Road Runner Express roller coaster featuring classic Looney Tunes Characters Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner.

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom is currently open on weekends, and will open for daily operations on Saturday, May 24th.

For more information on Greezed Lightnin' or on Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, call (800) SCREAMS, or visit For media information, contact the Public Relations Department at (502) 814-4511.

Six Flags, Inc. is the world's largest regional theme park company. Through its subsidiaries, it owns and operates a total of 39 parks in North America and Europe. Six Flags parks serve 35 of the 50 largest metropolitan areas in the United States. Six Flags, Inc. is a publicly held corporation with corporate offices in New York City and Oklahoma City. The Company's stock trades on the NYSE under the symbol: (NYSE:PKS - News).

SIX FLAGS and all related indicia are trademarks of Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. ®, ™ and © 2003.

LOONEY TUNES, characters, names and all related indicia are trademarks of and © Warner Bros.

Company: Six Flags, Inc.
Title: Public Relations Department
Voice: 502-814-4511

Ed. Note: If you know any of SFKK's Public Relations Department, please -- please -- provide them with kudos for this brilliant piece of satire. We'd love to hear from them and fully credit this hilarious parody. Lee Graham: a brilliant move saying that there's "nothing else like it" -- your ability to pull off lines like that without laughter is why we love you! And Scott Holmes -- you've got a future in improvisational comedy!

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Coaster Zombies to Protest End-of-Ride Brakes on SFA's Roar

In a move surprising for its level of physical activity required, eastern seaboard-based enthusiast group the Coaster Zombies announced today that they would undertake civil disobedience targeting the final brake run on Six Flags America's Roar coaster, a 1998 Great Coasters International installation that has generally received solid reviews.

"Getting upset about mid-ride brake runs is setting our sights way too low," said club member Josh Razmy. "The brakes at the end of the ride mess up the ride's rhythm just as much as those mid-course brake runs, and they must be stopped."

Upon Razmy having it pointed out that the train would simply race through the station without stopping if the brakes were disabled, never allowing riders off or on, he was ready with an answer. "If these parks and designers really knew what they were doing, they wouldn't need the brake runs at the end of the rides -- the coaster would just glide to a stop in perfect position. We think Roar is a great place to start with our campaign against all brakes."

"Or we could have manual brakes -- ropes that the riders could grab on to to stop when they all collectively felt it was time to stop. It'd be way more organic that way, and the riders would have a great communal experience, too."

The club is expected to chain itself to the coaster's gates until the brakes are turned off or the buffet is opened, whichever comes first.

Friday, May 23, 2003

Universal Announces New "Mommy" Ride

Universal Hollywood and Universal Orlando announced they will have guests screaming for their Mommies when they debut "Mommy Dearest: The Ultimate Revenge," yet another new generation coaster-based interactive adventure, to parkgoers in spring 2004.

"The specs for this attraction are phenomenal!" claims Bobby Ditchelldorf, webmaster of, a rumor site dedicated to Universal Orlando. "There have been plans posted graffiti-style in the men's room outside Marvel Super Hero Island for the past three years, and it's gonna rule!"

According to the hastily drawn design plans, a larger-than-life version of Faye Dunaway jumps onto the riders' car and the car then shoots out of the station backwards in a vain attempt at escape, where a venerable horde of Animatronic Mommies swarm the car and tear some of the riders apart. This is followed by a ceiling of wire hangers just inches from riders' heads and a screeching voice exclaiming, "No wire hangers! No wire hangers!" and "Scrub Christina, scrub!"

"If all goes well," stated executive Mommy designer Stan Checketts, "With all the technical difficulties associated with a ride of this caliber, we should have waiting lines reaching into the next century."


Tuesday, May 20, 2003

IAAPA Response to Ankle, Arm, Torso, Neck, Finger, Toe, Ear and Eye Injuries: "G-Forces Don't Cause Brain Injuries"

The International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions ("IAAPA") forcefully responded today to reports that virtually every injury reported by amusement park guests involves the guests' ankle, arm, torso, neck, finger, toe, ear, or eye by referring reporters to what it described as a "meticulously performed study by leading researchers into brain injuries resulting from gravitational forces." According to IAAPA, the report concludes that strong G forces do not cause brain injuries in numbers significantly greater than ordinary activities.

"To those people who say that amusement park rides can injure riders' ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, or eyes, I have just one thing to tell you: The g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries," declared IAAPA president Clark Robinson. "And for those who note that inadequate restraints, operator error, or unclear instructions cause many of those injuries, I have just one thing to tell you: The g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries," he concluded.

Six Flags COO Gary Story concurred. "While some may believe that our valued guests' ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, and eyes are at risk when they visit our parks, I would like to refer you to the American Association of Neurological Surgeons report that concluded that g-forces pose no threat to their brains. I would also like to note that Dr. Rhea Seddon, a former astronaut and mother of four, has agreed that g-forces pose no threat of brain injuries. You're at no greater risk of brain injury riding a coaster than sneezing!"

When asked if either IAAPA or Six Flags would be commissioning studies of injuries to ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, or eyes, or studies of restraints, operator training, or the clarity of instructions, Story and Robinson both noted that "the g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries."

Monday, May 19, 2003

New Trend in Ride Design Stems From Carnal Knowledge, Conclude Attendees at Conference

With the opening of Top Thrill Dragster, many world renowned psychologists have been contemplating the perverse lure to an attraction where a person would wait six hours for a fifteen second ride.

In a recent academic conference on the subject held in Switzerland, Dr. Frances Gettenhoffen suggested: "In a predominately male dominated, ego-based society, there tend to be obvious sexual factors related in current trends. Whether they be current or concurrent need matter not. What matters, is the fact that amusement structures or ‘attractions' are basically phallic symbols dressed up in pretty cloths with ofttimes long -- very long -- waiting lines and a short, if not pleasing, climax."

"This goes back to our neanderthal ancestry," stated palaeontologist/psychiatrist José Rodriguez Hosemedown, also an attendee at the conference. "This blatant form of dong worship has been prevalent since we climbed out from the primeval ooze. There is no reason to think that we, as men in a male dominated society, would erect anything to the contrary."

Dr. Wanker Fiddlestinder noted that even the pre-opening sight of a construction worker urinating on the TTD station was consistent with his theories. "In this male-dominated, ego-driven society of male dominators, we have a delineated tug to our penises. We like to hang them out, compare them and design rides after our favorite modus operandi."

The group promised to reconvene at a later date to discuss the psychological implications of the rocking motions of Looping Starship flat rides.


Friday, May 16, 2003

Experts Concur: Hersheypark Still Using That F&%#ing Creed Song For Lightning Racer

Leading music and good taste experts have concluded this week that Hersheypark is still using that f&%#ing Creed song on the speakers around Lightning Racer. According to the National Association of Decent as Opposed to Utterly Worthless Music (NAD-OUWM), “we have ascertained after extensive study, with great distress, that Hersheypark is indeed still using that f&$%ing Creed song ‘Higher’ all day long.

The group has only just released its study, according to spokeswoman Laura Koning, because “we had to be absolutely certain that the park was committing an affront to good taste this horrific before going public.” NAD-OUWM officials spent most of last weekend gathering data through sound samples, personnel and patron interviews, and extensive laboratory analysis. Brave and daring members of the team even approached the actual monitors in the Lightning Racer queue line while dressed in full biological hazard gear to drop a special microphone near the speakers. The microphone used was a specially constructed one that can withstand the unbelievable lameness of poseur rock and roll outfits from Florida.

“We’ve processed the data all week,” said Koning. “Note how 85% of all patrons are either holding their ears, running away from this coaster, or yelling ‘this music sucks!'” And here, on this sound sample, you can clearly hear Scott Stapp’s pathetic moanings that vainly try to rip off Eddie Vedder, as well as a childishly simple drum line and no more than three chords in the bass and guitar. Also, note the bland lyrics, tepid performance, and shameless overprocessing of the recording. We have no choice to conclude that, yes indeed, Lightning Racer is still playing that stupid f%&$ing Creed song.”


Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Enthusiast Arrested in Amish Country

Ohio-area coaster enthusiast John DiLello was arrested on Tuesday in the Amish area of Pennsylvania Dutch country for harassment. According to police reports exclusively obtained by ARN&R, DiLello repeatedly attempted to get the "inside scoop" on what construction was likely to come in coming years to the area.

"Initially, he was just asking the clerks at the furniture stores for 'track sightings,' whatever that might be, and that didn't really cause too much trouble," said local police chief Bob Morgan. "But then he was really harassing some of the Amish people, repeatedly calling them 'cast members' and complimenting them on 'staying in character' while also demanding that they tell him 'B&M or Intamin.' God only knows what that means."

DiLello was also reported to be seeking ERT on the buggy ride and early admission to what he called "that dark ride," which local residents call "the one-room schoolhouse."

The arrest occurred when DiLello was found forcibly removing the traditional headwear from Amish teenagers, yelling, "You're just as bad as the Dippin' Dots guy! Fess up! It's gonna be a giant Intamin impulse!"

DiLello, reached for comment, said only that he found it "really weird that they themed a whole park after that Witness movie. And I never found a single coaster."
Valleyfair Spokeswoman Claims Steel Venom “Blows”

In an era where parks are infamous for their hyperbole and, sometimes, outright lies about the thrill level and functionality of new coasters, it was refreshing to see brutal honesty being delivered by a major management figure for once. Yesterday, Valleyfair spokeswoman Amy Maikkula disparaged the park’s splashy, but broken, new Steel Venom, an Intamin Impulse Coaster.

“Something blew,” Maikkula told reporters without a shred of hesitation, after calling a press conference to announce that the Steel Venom would not be opening as anticipated due to major technical problems. “I’m not sure what it was that blew, but I’m pretty sure the maintenance crew must blow pretty bad, at least. After all, they screwed up and something broke. Also, Cedar Fair blew for buying us this dumb thing that just goes back and forth a bunch of times, when other Cedar Fair parks have gotten stuff like Millennium Force, Ghostrider, and Talon in recent years. And you reporters blow big time for discussing this in the papers and on TV, so we’ll probably lose business from the throngs of patrons that would have come to ride this coaster. Actually, they blow, too. Most of them don’t bathe enough, and they ask really stupid questions.”

Maikkula went on to say that "it's frustrating. It's been tested extensively. I've ridden it myself about 20 times. Of course, as I keep telling everyone, it pretty much blew. It blew something fierce, to be honest."

Signs telling patrons that the coaster was closed were posted at the park's entrance, and "everybody's been really nice about it." Maikkula said. “For instance, one guy told me to ‘shove Steel Venom where the sun don’t shine.’ That’s a nice thought, to worry about the paint fading because the ride’s right out in the hot sun, although it’s really a bit impractical since we can’t move it. And lots of people said this park is ‘really, really bad.’ We all know that ‘bad’ actually means ‘good’ to these hip youngsters, so we can tell they like our other rides quite a bit. And there was the nice young lady who told me ‘up yours;’ certainly we’re glad she’ll be so excited to zoom ‘up ours’ when it finally opens and she gets to come and hand over her full admission a second time!”


Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Disney Announces "Yeti Mountain"

Disney's Animal Kingdom stated in a press release this past weekend that it is pleased to announce its first major thrill ride. In an effort to bring a little more excitement to a park with 6 attractions, including as many as one or two that don’t suck worse than anything you can possibly imagine, it has been announced that Vekoma, a Dutch coaster manufacturer known worldwide for its three despicable coaster designs, has been contracted to build the Animal Kingdom’s new e-ticket attraction.

The riders' journey will begin as they step into the heavily themed queue area. "We felt that theming is very important, even while the guests are waiting in line,” said a Disney spokesperson. "And that is why we've extended the theming beyond just the ride itself. The
extensive network of back and forth switchbacks will give the riders the feeling that they really are waiting in line for a train." Following the “literally hours of amusing switchback negotiation,” they will be ushered into a room and divided into groups of four to watch a "preshow" on the televisions mounted above the doors through which they will enter. This preshow will fully explain the legend of the yeti, as well as the safety procedures to be followed once riders are in the train. Attractive female guests may or may not be crudely groped at this point by nasty teenage ACE members.

ARN&R was made privy to a Disney management synopsis of the thrilling new attraction. According to the materials, “riders will enter the train station where they will prepare to set out to find the rare and elusive Yeti. It has been found in studies that the safest way to travel in a train is facing backwards, so in keeping with the realistic theming of this ride, this journey will be no exception.” The "train" that the riders will take their journey in will actually be contracted out and built by a Utah-based company, S&S/Arrow. It will feature such comforts as molded plastic bucket seats, padded over the shoulder restraints with extra large semi-circular hand grips, and the standard ball peen hammer that sharply whacks riders on the head every few seconds.

The Disney materials continue by stating the following: “And the journey the train ascends backwards up the mountain, riders marvel at the scenery as they pass waterfalls and bamboo fields. Just like at the real Everest's base camp at 18,000 feet above sea level. The expedition leader will be talking the whole time over a PA system installed in the ride, keeping riders updated on the search for the ever-elusive Yeti. But shortly into the ride the first Yeti encounter occurs! At the apex of the hill, the Yeti jumps out and attacks! The expedition leader screams out ‘we're losing control!’ and the train comes loose and plunges down the mountain. Back through the station it goes, and into a giant snowdrift, which sends the train up into the air and upside down. The train, seemingly out of control, will ‘boomerang’ around the snowdrift before hitting another drift and flying into the air in a loop, then landing back on the mountain, not too far from where it had originally begun its journey.

”From here the train begins its climb up the mountain again, this time moving up forwards. Riders look again for the Yeti, but this time are instructed to be more careful. Again, the Yeti jumps out and attacks! Once again, the train loses control and careens back down the hill, only this time, riders get the whole experience BACKWARDS!!!”

The brochures conclude by stating that, “after having ‘boomeranged’ their way back to the train station, the riders receive an announcement from the expedition leader that this amazing trip is over.” ARN&R has learned that, from here, some "feel-good" music plays and the riders are supposed to learn that sometimes, Man is better off not tampering with nature. Or something.

Disney has also announced that, in keeping with modern times, no animatronic puppets will be used in this ride; instead, a real human being will play the role of the Yeti. While names were not released, it is rumored that the man chosen to play the Yeti is a Wisconsin native, and the movements of the Yeti will be based on an original creation of his known as the "[censored] Flags Dance." Disney executives refuse to confirm speculation that the Yeti has already been chosen, and firmly maintain that Alec Baldwin, Nicholas Cage, Ben Affleck, and Andy Garcia are all still strong contenders for this important role as a big, scary, hairy ape.

Yeti Mountain is the only ride of its kind in the Orlando area, though of course approximately 250 other parks have basically the same dumb ride, minus a hirsute actor. Disney reps speculate that the ride should be open and thrilling the public by the summer of 2009.

Disney Studios Announces Long-Awaited Star Tours II

Reportedly years in development, the long-awaited update to Star Tours has been announced. The original Star Tours, located both at Disneyland and Disney Studios Theme Parks, was considered a groundbreaking simulator in its time, but has grown a bit long in the tooth in recent years. All that will change with the opening of Star Tours II: Darth Maul's Revenge.

"We've been working on this behind the scenes for about eight years now," said Imagineer Jeremy Miller. "Unfortunately, Disney management keeps reducing our budget year after year, and refuses to develop any of our concepts that don't involve gift shops and overpriced food, which really isn't the kind of stuff we took this job for. Star Tours II should be the ride that really puts Disney back at the top of the heap as far as innovative, cutting edge thrills, though."

ARN&R was able to confirm that the project has indeed undergone severe budget cuts over the years of development. In fact, 97% of the money available was spent on the guest shop revamp a few years back. We learned that the new attraction may be a bit more low tech than some Disney attractions, consisting only of a cabin that rocks guests back and forth as they view this exciting footage of some moron pretending to be Darth Maul with his own make-believe lightsaber. Regular guests will be able to view the standard ride, while resort guests will be provided with an upgraded ride experience that features better special effects and a soundtrack to accompany the moron's wacky antics with his throbbing rod.

"Okay, I admit it," said Miller after a moment. "The ride's going to suck. We have a few burly guys rocking a cabin around while some buffoon appears on a video and acts like a nimrod. I hate Disney. Why didn't I take that %&#$ing job at the Baltimore Aquarium instead?"


Monday, May 12, 2003

Horrified Enthusiast Realizes Ozark Wildcat is Actual Roller Coaster

Hyperventilating with shock and outrage today, ACE member Willy Bobokins, 32, realized that the Ozark Wildcat attraction opening this spring at Celebration City is an actual functioning wood coaster. Bobokins joined the swelling ranks of ticked-off enthusiasts who aren't getting quite what they hoped for at the new amusement park.

"I'm pissed off," elaborated the unemployed dog catcher. "I got to attend a sneak preview at the park, but was horrified to learn what the new ride would be. I mean, I was expecting that maybe I would wait in line for six hours to experience an attraction that would shoot me up one big hill at 110 miles per hour and then be over about a second later. Or maybe I could wait four hours to ride something that blasted me back and forth really fast until I got sick. Or, better yet, I would have waited three days through copious technical troubles to get on some concoction that spun the coaster seats around really fast while the cars were negotiating a 200-foot dive."

Bobokins stated that "I was expecting something ridiculous and new. I don't ride anything that doesn't have some stupid gimmick. The ride better be over in three seconds, or possibly have such problems with all its spinning and bouncing mechanisms as to only be open about three minutes every other month. Deja Vu and Flashback are my idea of real rides, man. But stupid Celebration City went out and got a respected wood design firm to build a creative, fun, medium-sized woodie with lots of speed, some airtime, great direction changes, smooth tracking, and classic spiral drops for about one hundreth the cost of some big launched spinning gizmo that breaks down all the time. In other words, Celebration City bought an actual roller coaster. Boy does this park &$%#ing suck."

Bobokins also informed ARN&R that he thought Superman: The Ride of Steel would be way better with some loops, Holiday World blows because they don't have any big steel coasters, a Premier launched shuttle loop would have been a better use of the space wasted by Shivering Timbers, and the Beast is a great coaster with lots of airtime.


Saturday, May 10, 2003

Cedar Point Staves Off Urine Flood With Bathroom Passes

Facing what employees called an “a veritable Armageddon of free-flowing enthusiast urine,” Cedar Point has begun offering bathrooms passes to riders queued up for the four-to-six-hour wait for the new Top Thrill Dragster attraction. As expected, throngs of eager passengers have deluged the TTD station all day, and the three trains are unable to match the demand. “The first day, we witnessed thousands of Pepsi-engorged bladders swelling to the breaking point and finally unleashing their contents all over the walkways,” said CP spokesperson Robin Innes. “It appears that most enthusiasts can hold their water until about the third hour, then they just give up and start hosing the pavement down.”

Innes added that the amount of liquid produced was “strongly reminiscent of the great flood that Noah escaped. Except, of course, that was water instead of piss.”

Cedar Point did react to the situation in a novel fashion. After having all plant life within approximately 600 square yards of the TTD station house destroyed by the high-acid Mountain Dew-infused urine all day, the park decided the next day to begin handing out bathroom passes to those in line. Said Innes, "We knew it was going to be a long wait, so we tried to make our guests as comfortable as possible. We gave them passes to get back in line."

While the plan has proved successful, at least in the sense that enthusiasts are not soiling their tighty-whiteys, and the plants and benches around them, the actual operation of the bathroom-pass-giving has encountered some controversy.

“The bathroom pass is intended only as an emergency pass,” said Ms. Graverson, a stern middle-aged schoolmarm. “Only enthusiasts who feel they will throw up or are really in danger of making peepee or poopoo in their pants are supposed to be able to use the pass. It’s not supposed to be an excuse to miss class or roam the hallways unsupervised. Most people are perfectly capable of waiting until the bell rings.” Graverson then paused to primly rap her yardstick across the knuckles of an enthusiast who was picking his nose nearby.

“Just an hour ago, I caught three enthusiasts abusing their bathroom pass privileges by hanging out in a stall smoking,” said line monitor Helen Ratchett. “These passes were intended to help people feel more comfortable, not to be used as an excuse for lighting up, making out, or riding other coasters. Enthusiasts may take a pass, walk briskly to the nearest restroom, urinate, wash their hands, and walk briskly back to the line. Anyone caught doing anything else will be sent immediately to detention, which for our purposes is a full day strapped into the back seat of Mean Streak.”

“I don’t like the way they run these passes,” whined enthusiast Peter Wolf, 41. “Ms. Tammy’s class always gets to go bathroom when they want, but Ms. Whitehurst won’t let anyone out except between periods. It’s not fair.” Others were even less fortunate. Chris Grueninger, 29, was caught sneaking back into line without a bathroom pass after he claimed “he couldn’t hold it until it was his turn after recess” and was savagely paddled by the principal before being sent home with a note to his mommy. Coasterbuzz’s Xfan used his bathroom pass as an opportunity to masturbate three times while admiring the Snoopy and Linus mascots, and then take a monster dump, and he was suspended from Cedar Point for a week. “It’s simply not fair to others in line to keep the bathroom pass for three hour,” said Innes. “We like to teach sharing and/or caring at our institution.”

“As long as everyone patiently waits for their turn to make peepee and then go to the restroom only when they are given the bathroom pass, this program will work out just great,” said Innes. “Despite some difficulties with a few enthusiasts, most are already accepting the program wholeheartedly. And it’s sure helping us out…whereas yesterday I had to pontoon my way across the plaza to visit the ride ops at Top Thrill Dragster, today there are only a few scattered yellow puddles here and there to step over. We’re back on track, and ready to welcome trillions of customers again tomorrow!”


[Editor’s Note: Yes. Three articles in a row about TTD. You caught us. We suck. However, it does give us one more opportunity to mention that we have a t-shirt picturing a dude pissing on TTD itself, which is very similar to enthusiasts pissing on themselves in line. And if you were in line for TTD before they started giving out bathroom passes, you owe it to yourself and your urine-discolored boxers to keep that special moment alive with our amusing yet fairly tasteless apparel at Ye Olde Reliable Shoppe!]
Hoover Sues Cedar Fair Over Copyright/Patent Infringement

Hoover International, the makers of fine vacuum equipment for more than 75 years, has filed suit in a federal court claiming Cedar Fair has breached patent copyright laws with the design of their newest attraction: Top Thrill Dragster.

"We are not saying the ride 'sucks' like our vacuum products," claims Peter Puller, a representative for Hoover International. "However, after bringing my 11 year old daughter to Cedar Point for the opening of this 2003 season, I couldn't help but notice the flagrant disregard of copyright/patent civility with the design of their newest attraction, Top Thrill Dragster."

Shanequa Aqua Greensfielder, an attorney for Hoover International, registered exhibit "A" with the federal court today showing claims of Hoover's original advertising scheme of 0-120mph in under one second and a 42" hose tube. "This obviously was reflected in the design scheme of TTD with their 0-120mph speed and 420' high tower," continued Greensfielder. "[T]his infringement is malicious, atrocious, underhanded and downright sinful! We are not only going after Cedar Fair, we will also be attacking Cedar Point directly, as well as Intamin, the original designers, a random Dippin' Dots guy, and ‘Joe,’ the guy who pissed on the one shall escape our wrath!"

Hoover International also plans lawsuits around this great country of ours attacking such parks as Tennessee's Libertyland, Six Flags' Great Adventure, Paramount's Carowinds and Disney's California Adventure (to name quite a few), for containing rides that do 'suck.'


[Editor's Note: Yes, we know we posted two consectutive Top Thrill Dragster articles. After all, the opening of this 5-second ride is the single most important event in the history of mankind, and deserves to be feted and fawned over by every website on the planet for the rest of eternity. Or something. In any case, go buy that t-shirt of the guy pissing on the most important thing ever constructed by the hand of man. You know you want it.]

Thursday, May 08, 2003

Top Thrill Dragster, Sandusky Condom Sales Linked

In the current financial quarter, both Cedar Fair and Sandusky condom profits hit five-year highs, a substantial and rapid growth acknowledged by representatives of Cedar Fair and Sheik as "extremely pleasing." Although many news organizations have failed to acknowledge the link between the phenomena, ARN&R has unearthed evidence demonstrating that the two come hand in hand. Local Sandusky women told ARN&R that "there's just something about the look of Dragster that Thrills us."

It's seems the 420-foot-high phallus (AKA Top Thrill Dragster) standing high over Sandusky Bay has increased condom sales tenfold as of late. "There is just something about the glow," says Anne Heitz. "Of course, we must remember to practice safe sex at times like these, but man, that gargantuan glowing shaft really gets me going."

The number one selling variety seems to be Trojan Magnums, as this is, according to massive throbbing member experts, "one giant lightning rod sticking into the sky." Asked about the phenomenon, local convenience store owner Abi Abudabababadibuda said, "Our sales quadrupled upon the announcement of Top Thrill Dragster and since then have continued to skyrocket."

The Sandusky Police Dept. has been dispatched to Battery Park numerous times in the last month. Officer Bob Uleime said "Something about the beautiful glistening shaft shining into the sky at night has really revved things up. Why, just last week we took into our custody a couple who were arrested by Cedar Point Police for indecent exposure in front of a web camera at Cedar Point."

Roller coaster enthusiasts have come from across the country in hopes of finally getting some from the residents of Sandusky. William Wisselboi said, "Oh, it is just splendid. I may finally become a real man after all these decades, under the moonlight glow of a gigantic pillar of manly power."

Cedar Point official Dick Kinzel refused to acknowledge the remarkable coincidence between new condom sales and the construction of Top Thrill Dragster, nor would he even admit off the record that the ride is strongly reminiscent of a giant schlong. However, he did confirm that he is "not remotely intimidated by the spectacular height and girth of TTD," and also assured ARN&R that the ride was definitely not, as some had feared, "ribbed for her pleasure."


[Editor's Note: If that huge shaft thrusting through the air at Cedar Point is making your lover question your manhood on a nightly basis, get back at it by purchasing one of our excellent t-shirts showing a dude pissing on Top Thrill Dragster. It'll still have a bigger package than you by several hundred feet, but you'll feel a little better about yourself.]

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Redneck Parks Square Off on Springer

On today’s Jerry Springer show, titled “I’m in a Bizarre Love Triangle With My Uncle and Cousin,” small redneck amusement parks Lake Winnepesaukah and Conneaut Lake were the featured guests. Observers of the show rated the episode one of the best in Springer history for its substantial amount of cat fighting, trash talk, and shocking gross-out moments.

The segment began with Lake Winnepesaukah confessing the forbidden love it was sharing with Conneaut Lake. “We first cousins, so we had to sneak out behind our mommas backs ever since we was 12 to go (obscenity) out back of the outhouse down the block. Now I’m here to tell momma and the whole world about our love and if they don’t like it they can (obscenity) theyselfs.” At this, the audience broke into a rambunctious chant of “Incest whore! Incest whore!” after which Lake Winnie yelled to them, “you best talk to the hand, you best talk to the hand! You all don’t know me. You just jealous cause you don’t get to (obscenity) none of this (obscenity).” Lake Winnie then dropped its pants before a booing and laughing crowd before being gently led to its seat by Springer bodyguard Steve.

Following the commercial break, Conneaut Lake came on the set and engaged in grotesque tongue kissing and body rubbing with Lake Winnie. After the pair sat down, revelations began. Although Lake Winnie thought the pair was appearing on the show to confess their incestuous love, Conneaut Lake had brought Winnie on to announce that it was also having sex with Visionland. “Oh, sick!” yelled Winnie. “That you uncle! You (several obscenities) my daddy, you sick (really awful obscenity)? You (obscenity) uncle (obscenity)!” Winnie immediately gave a vicious pimp slap to Conneaut Lake, who responded by ripping Lake Winnie’s shirt off and pulling its hair. Steve was forced to drag the two apart with help from two other guards.

The love triangle grew more sordid with the introduction of Visionland, who, after fighting off a slap assault by Lake Winnepesaukah, told Conneaut Lake that it was “tired of (obscenity) its fat (obscenity) and it had a saggy, stupid ass and was a white trash (obscenity).” Visionland then went backstage and brought out its 11-year-old daughter Old Town, whom it proposed to onstage and gave a sloppy tongue kiss as Old Town ran its fingers through Visionland’s luxuriant mullet.

A total free-for-all of fighting and (almost completely bleeped) screaming consumed the remaining three minutes of show time. Springer concluded the show with pithy words of wisdom: “We all face our lives in different ways. Although some of us may not understand a trashy amusement park marrying its daughter or loving its uncle right, these are just different ways of expressing devotion. We can only hope that such incestuous displays don’t continue the cycle of anger and violence these parks seem to feel, and that they can come to grips with these events and move on with their seasons. Take care of yourselves and each other. Thank you.”


Tuesday, May 06, 2003

North Carolinian Warlord Lays Down Gauntlet

Kenny Bob Long III, feared dictator of the North Carolina portion of Paramount's Carowinds, escalated that park's ongoing crisis by making what he deemed the "final" offer. "If Paramount does not provide this part of the park full funding for a dramatic expansion of the Dippin' Dots franchises, the good people of North Carolina will have no choice but to consider usage of the funnel cakes for which we now have all of the necessary ingredients," said chief negotiator Billy Ray Robert. Long added in a written statement: "The suppression of the People's Republic of Northern Carowinds by the aggressors south of here must end, and our possession of flour, powdered sugar, and certain artificial flavorings will help us end that suppression."

The park has been a simmering hotbed of tension ever since Long acknowledged that the insular North Carolina part of the park had been developing a funnel cake program for several years, despite an agreement that such development would be put on hold in return for full funding for the northern shows, in particular Long's favorite, "I Married My Cousin and Didn't Have No Mutants As Kids!," a rollicking musical romp through the culture of North Carolina. Despite that agreement, operatives from Paramount headquarters determined that the funnel cakes were not solely in South Carolina, and indeed, that North Carolina had purchased the key ingredients from rogue parks such as the now-defunct Race World in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

The free-market South Carolina portion of the park, with its thriving economy based largely on high-tech (on-ride photos) and the arts (caricatures and "old-time" photography) has been living in fear of a full-blown funnel cake onslaught, and has been dependent on Paramount Parks to prevent catastrophe. With Long's ongoing threats and ever-more-quirky behavior (including a recent proposal to replace the water in the Flying Super Saturator with calf's blood), that fear has been increased.

Gary Slade, publisher of Amusement Today, has been called in to mediate the dispute, but experts fear that he will merely distract the parties with his constant barrage of grammatical and spelling errors.

Monday, May 05, 2003

For Second Straight Year, Cedar Point Reaches Finals

In last night’s playoff action, Cedar Point held off a late rally from Paramount’s King’s Island to earn the Eastern Conference crown and face off next week in a highly anticipated rematch of last year’s final. Once again, the Point will square off against Six Flags Magic Mountain for the theme park crown.

“I want to shout out and give thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for this great victory, because I know He was with us and will bring us a championship,” said Point guard Troy Hudson. “We came to play, we brought our game face out, and we were the most G’d up tonight.”

The Point almost didn’t return to the finals. After leading their series with PKI three games to one, Cedar Point seemed to relax, and allowed the tough Islanders to dominate them in the next two face/offs. However, the Point, despite facing the scoring of Dirk “Beast” Nowitski and the mad airtime of Tracy “The Vortex” McGrady, outlasted a final last-minute barrage of PKI outside shooting to win 116-112. Shaquille “Mean Streak” O’Neal led the Point with 40 points, while Ben “The Raptor” Wallace notched a timely triple-double to help lead the team to victory.

Cedar Point moves on to play a SFMM team that has won two straight championships, but has looked surprisingly vulnerable this playoff season. In the first round, it took SFMM seven games to earn victory against the undermanned but scrappy eighth seed Family Kingdom, who was led by Swamp “The Answer” Fox and his absurd 38.5 point per game average for the series. After a relatively easy victory over Sea World Texas, the conference final was an epic battle, including five overtime games, which SFMM barely won from a tough young Holiday World squad.

Pregame hype for the championship has already begun. “Last year, Magic Mountain handed us our big Dr. Seuss hat and mopped the park urinals with us,” said Cedar Point coach George Karl. “We had our chances in that series, but the more we tightened our grasp, the more they slipped through our fingers. We’re going to finish this off and do it right this year so that fans of Cedar Point, the best fans on Earth, can celebrate a world championship with their team. We are the Millennium Force!”


Friday, May 02, 2003

Paramount's Carowinds Adds New Themed Land

Attempting to spruce up the themed experience at their park, Paramount's Carowinds executives announced today that they would be opening a new and exciting themed land this season. Work on the makeover and new attractions has been progressing at a feverish pace, and the unique New Age Hippie Weirdo Land is expected to be completed in time for the busy summer influx of customers.

Theming of the New Age Hippie Weirdo Land section will be "very immersive," says park spokesman Tom Haden. Visitors will enter the new land through thick curtains of macrame beeds. Pathways will be made entirely of real hemp, burning incense will waft about in thick, gag-inducing clouds, and all of the new area's ride and shop workers will be required to grow greasy dreadlocks and stop bathing and using deodorant. Gift shops will sell mood rings, healing crystals, and, of course, loads of water bongs ("for use only as humorous gifts," says Haden). Street vendors will hawk tasty fare such as bean sprout and tempeh pizza, wheat grass shakes, and sandwiches made from a new soy and wheat-gluten product called I Can't Believe It's Not Blue Whale Meat!

New attractions are also being built at a rapid pace. First will be the Baghwan Sri Rajneesh Limo Ride, which Haden describes as "a lot like Disney's Superstar Limo, except it doesn't suck. It's a ride that shows important scenes in the life of the Baghwan, and includes great live interaction where passengers have their wallets stolen and then get felt up by perverts covered in latex." There will also be a new ride called Patchouli Armageddon; Haden is tight-lipped about the details of this ride, but does assure ARN&R that "it'll be an assault on all the senses. Well, I guess mainly just the sense of smell, to be honest."

But the crowning achievement of the new land will simply be a clever retheming of the Flying Super Saturator water coaster, now to be called the Magical Surprise Cleansing and Healing Barium Colonic. "This one is pure genius," says Haden. "With the incredible volume and power of the water blasting up at the riders in the form of geysers and water cannons, we realized that if passengers were required to ride naked, they would get an enema whether they want one or not!"

When asked whether this type of themed land would appear to be a better fit for sister park Paramount's Great America, Haden was resolute in his denial. "Certainly not. That park is in California, and those people are already eating soy curd and ritualistically flushing their bowels on a daily basis anyway. This wouldn't take them to a new plane of reality. However, the good people of" (Here Haden paused to check which section of Carowinds he was standing in.) "...I mean South Carolina...have never seen such wacky s%$#. They're going to fall in love with New Age Hippie Weirdo Land."