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Disney Studios Announces Long-Awaited Star Tours II

Reportedly years in development, the long-awaited update to Star Tours has been announced. The original Star Tours, located both at Disneyland and Disney Studios Theme Parks, was considered a groundbreaking simulator in its time, but has grown a bit long in the tooth in recent years. All that will change with the opening of Star Tours II: Darth Maul's Revenge.

"We've been working on this behind the scenes for about eight years now," said Imagineer Jeremy Miller. "Unfortunately, Disney management keeps reducing our budget year after year, and refuses to develop any of our concepts that don't involve gift shops and overpriced food, which really isn't the kind of stuff we took this job for. Star Tours II should be the ride that really puts Disney back at the top of the heap as far as innovative, cutting edge thrills, though."

ARN&R was able to confirm that the project has indeed undergone severe budget cuts over the years of development. In fact, 97% of the money available was spent on the guest shop revamp a few years back. We learned that the new attraction may be a bit more low tech than some Disney attractions, consisting only of a cabin that rocks guests back and forth as they view this exciting footage of some moron pretending to be Darth Maul with his own make-believe lightsaber. Regular guests will be able to view the standard ride, while resort guests will be provided with an upgraded ride experience that features better special effects and a soundtrack to accompany the moron's wacky antics with his throbbing rod.

"Okay, I admit it," said Miller after a moment. "The ride's going to suck. We have a few burly guys rocking a cabin around while some buffoon appears on a video and acts like a nimrod. I hate Disney. Why didn't I take that %&#$ing job at the Baltimore Aquarium instead?"

--JCK