Saturday, August 30, 2003

Shocking Kiss Highlights Golden Ticket Awards

Ever since Madonna kicked off the inaugural 1984 Golden Ticket Award Show on MTV with a lurid strip tease involving a greased Shivering Timbers and backup dancers wearing nothing but Beast thongs and rosary beads, the show has continued to push the limits. Last night, at the 2003 GTA's, the event proved it could still startle with the best of them, when Golden Ticket Best Park winner and amusement icon Cedar Point open-mouth tongue-kissed Islands of Adventure and Six Flags New Orleans onstage.

As an unnannounced surprise, the two scantily-clad young stars had appeared onstage at the beginning of the ceremony to offer a tribute to the long-popular Cedar Point. After lauding Millennium Force, Raptor, and Blue Streak, and bringing Jack Black to the stage for a good-natured ribbing of Disaster Transport and Mean Streak, the two up-and-coming parks beckoned offstage, and Cedar Point appeared to thunderous applause. All three parks then launched into a lurid, bump-and-grind, oiled version of Snoopy Rocks on Ice, but the surprises didn't end there. At the conclusion of the song, Cedar Point offered the sexy full-on lesbian tongue-wrestle to first Islands of Adventure, and then Six Flags New Orleans.

"Oh man," said Six Flags Magic Mountain. "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen. I better not win any awards, or I'll have to stand up and everyone will see just how cool I thought it was."

"Whoa, dat's off da hook, yo," noted Justin Timberlake, desperately and pathetically trying to convince people that he is not a rich white boy. "I's gonna go in an' break me off a slice o' dat, mmmmm-HMMMmmm."

Some were not so aroused or amused by the tongueplay. "I'm disgusted," said Frontier City. "These Golden Ticket Awards are supposed to be about Family Values, and here these sluts show us wicked sins and temptations. When we win this award next year, I assure you Frontier City will not stoop to faux-lesbian posturing, unacceptably skimpy clothing, or free sex with Christina Aguilera while riding Wicked Twister. No, we will dominate the competition because we are family friendly, and because we have the best rides, the best theming, and the cleanest, friendliest, and best landscaped park. Boo-yah!" Frontier City concluded its bizarre remarks by making the "Heisman Pose" in the direction of Cedar Point.