Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Enthusiast Writes Protest Email to ACE

According to longtime ACE Member and self-professed "majorly influential coaster enthusiast" Herman Reynolds, 45, he has sent an email to the American Coaster Enthusiasts that he anticipates will bring large changes to the group.

"I was planning my wedding with my enthusiast girlfriend and we went to the ACE Online Store to set up our registry there. Well, we were incredibly surprised that they don't have a wedding registry! What kind of online merchant doesn't have a gift registry? That's retarded."

Reynolds went on to add that he was well aware that he could just tell people to buy him crap at the ACE Store and wrap it up themselves, but that he and his fiance would "probably end up with ten or eleven of those stupid polyester jackets" instead of the "full set of silverware, the fondue equipment, or the dillweed-colored official ACE muumuus we really need for our lives together."

Reynolds asserts that his email contained the perfect balance of righteous indignation and constructive criticism, along with "a few curse words," and that ACE members should expect a wedding registry to be available "any day" after the stern talking-to ACE officials had received. He was unable to tell reporters exactly to whom he sent the scathing email, however, and members of the Executive Committee refused comment.

Registry or no, the Reynolds wedding is scheduled to take place this July 15. Although Reynolds noted that he looked into doing a "big, awesome onboard coaster wedding," he discovered recently that this could result in a substantial expense. Instead, he plans to wed his blushing bride in the comfort of his own apartment, where they will play America's Greatest Roller Coasters Volume VII, Gerstlauer promotional spots, and Reynolds' own illegally-obtained onboard ride footage during the ceremony to maintain its proper balance of fun and dignity.


Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Enthusiast Mourns Loss of Kumba

Kenosha, WI: Coaster enthusiast Gerald Unternehmen posted a loving testimony on several enthusiast message boards yesterday:

Kumba, we will miss you. I'm sure that the decision Busch Gardens and B&M made to euthanize you was a hard one to make – but it was, sadly, to end your suffering.

Though your name means "roar" in the African Congo language, you were a shy, quiet steel coaster. As the city's first coaster born in captivity, you showed the world that coasters did not have to be captured in the wild and caged in theme parks – that they could successfully be born and raised out of the wild.

Oh, Kumba! How your children, the mighty Kowali, and your namesake living in Israel, will mourn you and honor your memory. You will live on in all of us!

No less than 10 minutes after this moving tribute, enthusiasts were flooding Busch Gardens' telephone lines, demanding to know why Kumba's kidney failure was kept a secret for so many months.


[Editor's Note: For additional coverage of Kumba's untimely passing, and some thoughts from the ride's close colleagues Gwazi and Montu, please read here.]

Monday, February 14, 2005

Playboy Centerfold to Feature Great American Scream Machine

With copies of the March Playboy Magazine flying off the racks due to the appearance of former teen pop star Debbie Gibson in a multipage nude spread, speculation is already brewing over what washed-up former starlet will next try to revive her career by baring it all.

Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is pleased to be the first news organization to break the surprising news that another celebrity will grace the pages of the very next Playboy: Six Flags Great Adventure's Great American Scream Machine. Although back in the late 80's and early 90's, when the young starlet was at the height of its popularity, it had said that it would never pose nude, apparently it felt that maintaining its squeaky clean image was less important in 2005 than actually getting someone to actually bother going through its line and ride it.

"This is great news!" gushed Great Adventure fan Steve Thomas, 41. "I always loved the Great American Scream Machine back in the day, and I can't wait to see it buck naked."

"There's gonna be some huge 'or-GASM' going on in my bathroom the day that mag comes out," he added with a wink.

However, other former fans of the ride are less enthusiastic. "It's fine and all," said Doug Louter, 34. "But it would have been a lot hotter to see this coaster nude when it was still young, like in the 80's or early 90's. And I bet they airbrush the shit out of the shots, just like they do with all the other celebs that pose in Playboy."

Other useless former stars have done centerfolds in recent years, with mixed success: while has-been singers Belinda Carlisle and Tiffany saw almost no surge in their music careers after appearing naked in Playboy, a retrospective article on The Beast in the latest Rollercoaster! Magazine, featuring numerous luridly sexual poses by the long-running woodie, led to dramatically increased interest in the coaster for the coming season. However, with Rollercoaster! catering to the same sort of hard-core crowds as Hustler and Penthouse, rather than the "artsy" and "more tasteful" Playboy, coaster enthusiasts will be warned to expect only classy nude poses of GASM, and not graphically pornographic material like that covered in the Beast shoot.

The April issue featuring Great American Scream Machine will be available at news stands on March 12th.


Sunday, February 13, 2005

ACE Heart of America Region Announces Next Event

The Heart of America region of ACE announced its next regional event in an exclusive ARN&R interview. Mark your calender now for sometime in June 2011 for ACE Heart of America's Slapped Together Ten Damn Days Beforehand Coaster-aganza ("STTDDBC").

"This event will feature exclusive ride time -- or ‘ERT' as my region calls it -- on some coaster or maybe more than one coaster at one of the parks in my region...except I think for Dogpatch USA as it may be closed by now, not sure though, have to look into that...they haven't returned my calls in a while," stated the Heart of America Regional Representative Jorgen Mussfove.

Vigorously shaking his head and continuing, Mussfove said, "This is going to be more than just another Heart of America regional event that happens every eight to twelve years like clockwork in my region. STTDBC is going to be a super special event because during the event the next issue of my regional newsletter 'Airtime' will also be released and will feature exclusive inside information on the fate of Buzzsaw Falls!" Mussfove gushed excitedly.

Inside sources indicate that ACE will celebrate the Heart of America region by featuring a thirty-page color spread in "Rollercoaster!" magazine providing in-depth coverage of ACErs with tremendous trust funds exploring the three Dragon Coasters installed in an obscure Chinese province. The feature, to be in the group's Fall 2005 issue, will be mailed in approximately April of 2009.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

New Lent Themed Section to Debut at Six Flags Great America

In a surprising move today, Six Flags Great America announced an entirely new themed section that will debut at the beginning of the 2006 season: Lent. According to a park spokesman, this new area will be an "explosive smorgasbord of thrilling excitement devoted to rip-roarin' religious contemplation and fasting."

The new Lent themed area will be located right next to the recently opened Mardi Gras section of the Gurnee, Illinois, megapark, in order to "provide a realistic comparison and contrast of two of the most kick-ass holidays known to this planet," according to the rep.

Continuing, he noted that the general feel of solemnity and retrospection in the Lent land will be "just totally wicked awesome."


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

B&M Introduces Inverted Mini

Following the tremendously positive reaction to Apple's announcement of the new Mac mini low-price computer, famed coaster designers Bollinger & Mabillard announced today a new "Inverted mini" coaster.

"With this, patrons can live the inverted lifestyle in stylish simplicity!" enthused company spokesman Melinda McCloud. "The new Inverted mini stands nearly three feet tall and yet performs as a complete full-course coaster!"

When reporters pointed out to McCloud that the ride appeared to be a hastily-repainted model coaster from Coaster Dynamix, McCloud scoffed and ended the press conference, declaring the Inverted mini to be "everything you wanted, and nothing you don't need. Unless you are over five inches tall. Then you might want to buy a full-scale version."

Six Flags has reportedly ordered one for each of its parks, paying what it deemed to be a "bargain" at $2.3 million per installation.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Disney Gay Day Opponent Plots Expansion of Protests in 2005

Gay Days, events designed for homosexuals, lesbians, and their friends and families to spend time together in a supportive and open environment, have become a yearly ritual at many of the nation's large theme parks. Also a yearly ritual is the appearance at these events of hordes of fundamentalist Christians with endless time and money on their hands. Gay Days are where these folks show the infinite mercy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by spewing venom and hatred at others. Planning for this veritable orgy of cruelty and viciousness is always on the minds of religious organizers, but it really begins in earnest around February.

However, this year, conservative Christians plan to branch out from their gay-bashing at parks like Disney World's Magic Kingdom and Universal Studios, and loudly decry the evil deeds of all sinners turning their backs on the Bible.

"We always enjoy our time screaming and threatening violence at these homo abominations at Disney," said protestor Jeb Ziegehodensackesser, 40. "After all, it says in Leviticus 18:22 that you aren't supposed to lie with men, and that's certainly not open to any discussion of interpretation. But some of us decided this year we'd actually take five or ten minutes and read some of this here 'bible' thing we had sitting around our houses, instead of just picking out a couple of completely random verses out of context to justify our hatred and prejudice, and shit far if we didn't find all sorts of crazy shit in there! Our protests haven't covered nearly enough sinful activity!"

Ziegehodensackesser elaborated further on the new expanded focus of right-wing efforts at Gay Days: "We've always said we take the Bible literally. So we still condemn homos. But we just now realized that Leviticus 19:27 says that no man shall round off the hair at his temples or trim his beard, and that Leviticus 19:19 says you can't wear clothing made of two kinds of fabric, so we condemn these people as well. Well, spotting those filthy heathen with goatees and neatly trimmed beards should be a snap, and I certainly think I know what a cotton-polyester blend looks like, so all those sinful bitches of Lucifer are going to hear God's wrath from me!"

Ziegehodensackesser's young daughter was then overheard screaming "Rot in hell, swine and/or lobster eater! Jesus condemns you to Satan's fury!" into her bedroom mirror for practice. Ziegehodensackesser admitted it would be more difficult to ferret out all sinners who have ever tasted the succulent but damnable flesh of pigs (Leviticus 11:7-8) or shellfish (Leviticus 11:9-12) come Disney Gay Day, but his flock would do their absolute best to make life miserable for anyone they even remotely suspected of this Hell-worthy activity.

"We were even thinking about making up some posters like 'Jesus Hates You, Rock Badger Eaters!' since we wanted to cover every one of God's laws at this event," he added. "But I guess that seemed a little silly, since probably no one there will have gone to the trouble of hunting, dressing, cooking, and dining on any rock badgers like it says you aren't allowed to do in Leviticus 11:5. But we'll keep an eye on that, and maybe look to add that next year if it becomes an issue."

Ziegehodensackesser further went on to name a number of other "abominations" his group of conservative Christians would be noting and denouncing loudly: "We'll be actively condemning and harassing any woman who grabbed a man's nads in an argument but didn't have her hand subsequently cut off (Deuteronomy 25:11) and any parents with a screaming, sassy brat that they haven't bothered stoning to death yet (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). And of course, at least in the King James version of the bible, it has that thing about people being slaughtered if they piss against walls (1 Kings 16:11)...now, some people think that just refers to 'men' as a whole, but we think it's best to be sure, so we'll be on the lookout for any of those no-good frat-boy types. If they plan to piss on any walls at Disney, they may indeed face a major smiting by God!"

The only Biblical laws that will not be taken literally in order to condemn others are ones regarding adultery and masturbation, the protest leader announced. "Really, those two are just so screwy and weird and off the deep end, each individual must interpret them in whatever way seems most appropriate for them and them alone," he noted.


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Bonds Surgery a Success

San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds underwent a minor surgical procedure to clean up damage in his knee, the team announced yesterday. According to Giants trainer Stan Conte, the surgery was merely a "clean-up procedure," and that the team expected Bonds to be at full strength by opening day of the regular season. Although Bonds will report to spring training when it begins, he will concentrate on rehab of the repaired knee until beginning full workouts in mid-March.

More importantly, Conte indicated that Bonds would be able to enjoy his favorite pastime, riding roller coasters, as early as one week from today, provided the slugger does not overexert himself walking between rides or trying to cram himself into anything made by Arrow or Premier.

"Barry is not upset at the fact he can't really get into the outfield for a few weeks," said Conte. "But he gets misty every time he mentions how excrutiating that one-week wait will be before he can be thrilled by [Six Flags Marine World's] Medusa again."

Conte also noted that Bonds intends to keep his crutches handy in the future so he and his teammates can walk up the exit ramp and be seated on coasters without having to wait in line with "the scum."


Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Web Design Course Now Available

We feel a little bad picking on personal websites sometimes. It always feels better to let it rip against a big corporate site that sucks, since the people who own them have probably, at one point or another, taken money from you in some fashion, and then obviously spent it on someone who couldn't do web design much better than an untrained howler monkey. Meanwhile, personal sites are created by people who may have minimal free time, money, or the ability to format anything so that it makes any sense. They're doing it for fun, not to make money. However, it is nonetheless our civic duty to alert you, dear readers, to bad websites involving amusement parks, no matter the type.

And so we direct you to Beth and Dave's Vacation Page, which is a collection of photos by people who are likely very nice, but who are also, unfortunately, top level grand masters of unholy web design. Behold the disorganized picture layout. Witness all the red X markings where pictures should be. Thrill to what appears to be a sound file with no sound. In short, bow before the new Site O' the Weak.