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Cultural Compentency Test Added To ACE Membership Application

Frustrated by the lack of social mores again demonstrated by ACE members in the last year, club officials have announced the addition of a new "Cultural Competency" test as part of its membership requirement. The test is being formulated now and is expected to go into effect as of January 1, 2004.

New members will be required to take the test prior to their membership being approved, and existing members have one calendar year to attend a testing center and pass the test. ACE Executive Committee members have engineered in a "Grandfather clause" for all current and prior Executive Committee personnel that exempts them from the exam, but all other ACErs must take the test.

In its current form, the test is divided into three parts:

Part One is an extensive questionnaire delving into areas of the prospective member's personal life. Still under review, this section is expected to include a cultural literacy segment, with such questions as "Name an Oscar winning film that did not star Russell Crowe or Leonardo Dicaprio" and "Describe a vacation you took that did not involve coasters." The most challenging aspect of the test is expected to be the "hobby" section, where applicants must demonstrate they have at least one other interest besides coasters. ACE officials warn that there are many "trick" answers that will get you immediately disqualified; woe to the uninformed ACEr who lists "masturbation," "gravy," or "steam trains" as their other hobby.

Part Two is a clothing and grooming quiz. Applicants are requested to bring three items of non-coaster related apparel to the testing location. The items must fit and they must be clean; armpit stains will not be permitted. Testees must also meet minimum standards of personal hygiene.

The third and last segment is expected to be the most difficult; an actual social situation. Those who have made it this far in the testing process enter the social interaction simulator, which is designed to resemble a coaster loading platform. The simulator presents the simple challenge of waiting in line correctly, boarding the coaster without whining about anything or volunteering obscure information such as who tracked the coaster to uninterested tourists, and then exiting without any high-fives, complaints about braking, or the like.

Mobile Testing locations are expected to be set up at many coaster events next year, assuming there are any events next year. Operation Nerd Purge is being financied via private donations from the major theme park chains.

--MBM