Monday, April 28, 2003

ARN&R Weather Update

It was just gorgeous here at ARN&R Towers over the weekend. Naturally, that means we prepared four -- yes, four! -- pieces for your edification since Friday afternoon. So be sure to scroll down to see 'em all. And buy stuff. If you get yourself on any nationally-televised amusement-park-related television show wearing ARN&R stuff, we'll...um. Send you more stuff. Or something.
Six Flags Elitch Gardens Thinks Paying Customers Want to Swim in Garbage

Six Flags Elitch Gardens, the flagship property of the outstanding and beloved chain, recently announced a most unusual activity: Swimming in Dumpsters Filled With Disgusting Waste. The promotional activity, described in great detail at the park’s webpage, was created by SFEG management under the bizarre assumption that park guests would enjoy floundering in half-eaten chilidogs, sticky candy wrappers, rotted lettuce, and vomit.

“We are proud to announce this fabulous Xtreme new activity, which is totally free with paid admission to the park itself,” said park rep Graham Heatherdowns. “We’ll have prizes provided by Coke and the park, including season passes, passes to upcharge attractions, and half-gnawed peach pits, and we toss these things into an unspeakably filthy dumpster that smells like Satan pinched a loaf all over it. We know our patrons will especially enjoy breaststroking through raw tons of foul murk to find these superb prizes. And they might find a chunk of still-edible funnel cake, too!”

Eying a youngster poised uncertainly and reluctantly at the edge of the Swimming in Dumpsters Filled With Disgusting Waste attraction, Heatherdowns yelled out to him angrily, “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!”

--JCK

Thursday, April 24, 2003

Paramount to Relaunch Bonfante Gardens as Rugrats Gardenzville

Many enthusiasts were pleased to hear that Paramount would be managing Bonfante Gardens, the garden-themed nonprofit amusement park in northern California. And now Paramount has announced its plans: Bonfante Gardens will henceforth be known as Rugrats Gardenzville and undergo a complete retheming.

Upon entering the park, guests will no longer be greeted by decades-old "circus trees," carefully tended to maintain their beauty. Instead, according to park spokesman Bruce Falbo, "Those ugly things got torn out and thrown out back. Who wants crazy-ass trees at an amusement park, anyway? Now we've got all the Rugrats and Blue and sometimes even guest stars from Nickelodeon in the entrance plaza, right next to the Drop Zone tower ride and the all-new launched coaster Flight of Fear."

The unique plant- and vegetable-themed rides will be rethemed as well. Gone is the Artichoke Dip flat ride -- it's now the Hurler. And the Garlic Twirl is now Blue's Big Adventure Spinning Ride. "Yep," said Falbo, "It'll be just like Paramount's Great America up the street. It'll be great!"

When reached for comment, Michael Bonfante, who has cared for the trees and other plants in the park for years and dedicated his life to founding the park, wept quietly.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

Breaking News: Six Flags to Open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq

Details are sketchy as yet, but ARN&R has received word from three independent and well-informed sources that Six Flags Inc. will open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq within three weeks.

The park, to be located near Najaf, will celebrate the long history of the Shiite fundamentalists' anti-American radicalism, including several new coasters. The signature coaster will be a new Intamin hypercoaster called "Superman: Ride of Destroying the American Infidels," with a GCI-designed wooden coaster called simply "Kill All Americans." Flat rides include a Top Scan called "God Will Roast Their Stomachs in Hell at the Hands of Iraqis," and Sally is expected to provide a heavily themed interactive dark ride called "Amerian Infidel Hunters."

Six Flags spokeswoman Rachel Solt declared, "Six Flags has always been about celebrating diversity -- heck, our flagship park is themed after all the different cultures that had controlled Texas! This is just another way of showing the world how much we love every person, even if they wish to kill us and destroy our government!"

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Universal's Plans For Coaster Criticized By Neighborhood; Enthusiasts Furious

Universal Studios announced last week plans for an enormous hyper coaster to run on each of its Islands of Adventure, breaking numerous world records as it goes, but there was just one quirk: the bottom of its initial 345-foot drop would run straight through a day care center for underprivileged orphans that sits just outside Universal's property, and the track would have no fencing around it at all, permitting the orphans to crawl over the track as they please while the coaster was operating. Universal also announced that it would use the day care center as the sorting facility for its massive garbage recycling program.

Orlando neighborhood activists were incensed and immediately vowed to block the coaster's construction, calling the company's actions "insensitive" and "appalling." Once word spread among enthusiasts, however, the activists were termed "snotty NIMBYers" (referring to "Not In My Backyard") "who should've known what to expect when they moved to Orlando, including incredibly dangerous amusement rides causing great bodily harm to toddler orphans."

"It's just like when Disney got screwed out of building a theme park near the colonial battlegrounds!" complained HistorySuxCoasterzRule, an active participant at CoasterBuzz. "It was going to be totally respectful of history -- heck, they were even going to have authentic colonial roasted turkey legs! But noooo, the so-called historians blocked that, and now the so-called 'orphans' are using their powerful lobbying force to block what would be terrific for Orlando."

Universal, at press time, was standing firm on its plans, and was in fact considering expanding them. "We've been thinking that the church next door that provides food to hundreds of homeless people daily would be a terrific place for a gift shop and maybe a climbing wall!" said spokesman Charles Anderson. "And maybe we'll add a Dippin' Dots booth in that day care center, too."

Monday, April 21, 2003

Stern Disciplinarian ACE Parent Corrects Child’s Coaster Count

A short but intense argument erupted this afternoon at the Camp Snoopy amusement park in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, when horrified American Coaster Enthusiast and Coaster Zombie member Herb Woladarsky, 33, caught his six-year-old daughter Emily attempting to count the “Li’l Shaver” attraction on her coaster credit list.

The incident in question occurred at approximately 6:35 PM this Sunday. Apparently, the day started like any other day a family of four would expect at an American amusement venue: fun, camaraderie, vomiting bad chili dogs. But then, without warning, tragedy struck. After a laughing and clapping Emily completed a circuit on the Li’l Shaver, a powered Zamperla attraction strongly resembling a regular kiddie coaster, the child called out, “Daddy! This roller coaster was so much fun! Can I ride it again? Please?”

“It was a disgrace to me as an ACE member and as a human being,” a distraught Woladarsky told reporters. “Everyone knows Li’l Shaver is a powered ride, not a true coaster. See how the track features a third rail that electrically moves the cars along the track? That’s not gravity running this thing! It’s so blatantly obvious, even a retarded chimp could tell the difference, but I guess my daughter can’t. I guess I blame myself for not using corporal punishment when she was younger, but I won’t make that mistake again.” Woladarsky then broke down into tears, obviously deeply upset by the tragic events of the day.

Hoping little Emily would yet learn from her terrible mistake, Woladarsky drove her home in silence, then sent her to her room to write 50,000 times, “Zamperla Dragon rides are NOT coasters.” ARN&R representatives noted, however, that Emily appeared to actually be scribbling “stoopid Daddy likes Hercules best” over and over.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Make sure your child knows not to count a powered ride on his or her coaster list. Get a silly bib for the tykes or, for your surly louse of a teenager, a t-shirt featuring a picture of a guy pissing all over the new Top Thrill Dragster at our Online Shoppe!]

Friday, April 18, 2003

Discovery Announces Enthusiasts Gone Wild Series of DVDs

The Discovery Channel announced today a new series of videos entitled Enthusiasts Gone Wild, featuring the most crazy and uncensored outtakes from the network's years of amusement park-oriented documentaries.

"We just realized we had warehouses of raw footage -- and I mean raw!" exclaimed Discovery spokesman Brad Welsh in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "Acres and acres of bare skin, gravy being slathered all over masses of humanity, and the craziest on-ride photos you've ever seen! I'm still having nightmares!"

An advance screening by ARN&R's television critic reveals that events held at Cedar Point are most prominently featured. Among the highlights are clips of the passionate but unsurprisingly short on-ride consummation of the wedding of two unnamed ACE members at a special late-night ride on Gemini, a fully nude Dance Dance Revolution competition, and a naked and oiled game of Twister on the plaza in front of Wicked Twister, including a round with the entire administrative staff of Cedar Fair. The DVD also includes a short piece featuring creative placement and use of park iron-on patches.

A special bonus section features the wildest stunts pulled by enthusiasts hoping to get early access to buffets. The section features a five-minute montage of enthusiasts baring their chests at buffet guards, who invariably recoil in horror and allow access.

A planned second DVD, entitled "Wildest Enthusiast Mullets," is expected to be released in time for Christmas.

[Editor's Note: You can create your own wildest enthusiast videos! Go buy a thong and go nuts with the video camera! Just don't send us the video. Please. For the love of God.]

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Events Upcoming: Offend Your Fellow Enthusiasts!

As perhaps you have forgotten, we here at ARN&R have an innovative plan that permits you to give us money in return for stuff. We even have a new t-shirt referencing urination! And nothing says "Put me on Discovery!" like a t-shirt featuring someone taking a leak. We also have various forms of underwear adorned with double entendres (really more like single entendres), license plate frames, and picture frames for your on-ride photos, all at prices that seem reasonable compared to those at actual amusement parks.

So go shopping for yourself, for your theoretical boy or girlfriend, for your grandma -- heck, do your Christmas shopping now! Buy stuff! It's the American way!

Monday, April 14, 2003

Enthusiast Adopts Child to Improve Credit Count

Joe Lekowski, a Pennsylvania-area enthusiast with more than 150 coasters to his credit, was looking for that extra edge to get to the next level. International travel was out of the question, as his employment in the stock room at Wal-Mart precluded any travel not depended on his 1992 Honda Accord (and because he feared that he'd find himself in a terrifying foreign land without a Chick-Fil-A), and he'd already visted a high percentage of the parks within domestic driving distance.

In the off season, he spent hours, if not days, contemplating how he could reach 250 or perhaps even 300 coasters and surpass his nemesis, known only as DejaVroomin at ThrillNetwork's forums.

Then he had what he describes as a "eureka!" moment. There were dozens and dozens of children's coasters that he'd never ridden due to his single childless status; if he had a child, he could increase his count enormously in just days. But how to obtain a child? Traditional means were out of the question, due to his utter lack of prospects for a partner and certain other medical hurdles. And his acquaintances with children tended to obtain restraining orders when he asked to "borrow" their children.

But then, while watching a late-night repeat broadcast of Las Vegas's Badasssss Thrill Rides on the Travel Channel, he saw an advertisement seeking funds to feed hungry African children. That was the breakthrough Lekowski was looking for. He wouldn't just pay for rice and beans, he would actually adopt a child and provide the child with all the funnel cakes imaginable.

So now, Lekowski is the proud father of Idowu Babatunde "Stan" Lekowski, a fourteen-year-old boy from Nigeria. Lekowski initially sought an Asian child due to the extended period during which the child might be short enough to get Joe onto kids' coasters, but Idowu had the good fortune of being born with a genetic abnormality, leading doctors to predict that he will never stand taller than 34 inches. "It's perfect!" exclaimed the senior Lekowski. "So long as we keep him shaved, this kid can get me into Jeepers! until he's thirty!"

"Stan" lives in a separate corner of Joe's parents' basement and is learning English exclusively through his father's extensive collection of self-created on-ride video footage. In an exclusive ARN&R interview on the subject of the emotional impact of his adoption and integration into U.S. culture, he said, "Whoooo-hoo!! Check out that airtime! I've got a woodie, I mean, I love this woodie! Whooooo! The lats!"

Friday, April 11, 2003

Raging Wolf Bobs to be Even More Incredible

Excited enthusiasts were restrained today from storming the gates of Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, immediately following an announcement by the park that Raging Wolf Bobs would be receiving Gerstlauer trains for the next season. Park security was unprepared for the deluge of rabid Gerstlauer fans, reputed to be in excess of 1000 (people, not average raw tonnage), and was forced to summon the National Guard. Although the throng of devoted Gerstlauer fans managed to damage the main gates and entry plaza, the Guardsmen quickly subdued them with a hail of rubber bullets and C2 grenades, as well as knight sticks and elephant tranquilizer guns.

"We are upset by this violent turn of events," stated Gary Biacovsky, manager of the park. "Still, we are pleased by the outpouring of support for our policy of improving this classic woodie and making it all the more scrumptious. We encourage all these rioting heathen to return with their families in order to experience the wonder and majesty of Raging Wolf Bobs with the finest steel and hard fiberglass coaster cars ever created!"

"We were in rapture," stated Matt Bessemer, an Ohio enthusiast, from the prison holding cell where he had just been successfully anally violated by a large thug named "Ben Dover." "We just got kind of carried away and started attacking the guards who wouldn't let us ride Raging Wolf Bobs right then and there. I mean, can you imagine what it's going to be like? Raging Wolf Bobs, the legendary Summers and Dinn creation with such smooth track, incredible speed, bountiful airtime, and no shuffling and banging whatsoever, combined with the most sublime granite-encased rolling stock on the planet? The new incarnation of this ride is sure to kick the ass off of Shivering Timbers and Tremors in Mitch Hawker's next poll!"

In related news, SFWOA said it was pondering buying some used Morgan cars for use on Villain, in the hopes of making it all the tastier, as well.

--JCK


Thursday, April 10, 2003

Fun With Search Engines

Yes, indeed, we got not one but two visitors recently searching for "Jessica Alba belching." Thanks, Google! Glad to be number two on that list!

And to those of you who came here looking for Denise Richards scratching herself, Heather Graham farting, or Cameron Diaz treating head lice, we say: Welcome! We make fun of the amusement industry and coaster enthusiasts! We're sure this is just exactly what you were looking for!

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Area Man Doesn't Understand Why Co-Workers Don't Like to Discuss Coasters

Todd Simmons, 29, an associate regional manager at local manufacturer DynaAcmeCorp, can't figure out why his co-workers don't like hearing about his coaster trips. "I go somewhere almost every weekend," he said. "I would think that they would appreciate my insight into the non-essential trim brakes on Alpengeist or an in-depth analysis comparing GCI and CCI's track work. But they tend to start fidgeting almost immediately and claiming to have a lot of work to do."

"That guy just won't shut the hell up!" said Steve Pritchard, who has the cubicle next to Simmons. "Everyday its Millennium Force this, Superman Ride of Steel that. That guy just needs to keep it to himself."

Lars Jankowski, the company's I.T. manager, agreed. "It's great that this guy likes what he does, but come on, no one here gives a shit. Todd seems to think that I care about why X is the future of coasters. The truth is, I don't. I used to be indifferent to amusement parks and now I downright hate them --- and it's all because of Todd."

During an afternoon break three office interns had to be "rescued" from Simmons when he had them cornered in the break room talking about the "inherent smoothness" of B&M roller coasters. One threatened to quit the company, but the area manager promised them that they no longer have to talk with Simmons on a regular basis.

When asked what would help office morale, Pritchard said simply, "That guy needs to get laid."

--FMB

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Busch Gardens to Close France

Following the lead of Congress's cafeteria, which recently renamed French fries "Freedom Fries," Busch Gardens Williamsburg announced today it would be closing the French section of their park.

"We can’t risk customers coming to our park and becoming uncomfortable or alienated with their surroundings," stated park spokeswoman Lillary Hutchinson, "Keeping France open would be hypocritical, at least. We will be removing France from park maps and all signage. We will offer no French souvenirs, trinkets or doo-dads. Wines and cheeses will be dumped into the Rhine River. In fact, nowhere in the park will the ‘F’ word be spoken. And all the F‘n Cast Members will be terminated."

The French Quarter of Canada will remain, however. "We cannot blame Canada for their past engagements with the ‘F’ country," continued Hutchinson, "The Quarter will now be known as the ‘Freedom Quarter‘, or ‘F/Q’ for short."

Several alternative European countries have been discussed as replacements: "We tossed around Great Britain, Italy, Germany and Greece," touted Ms. Hutchinson, "until we realized we already had those. We might as well go for Denmark, although there always seems to be something rotten there and we may not want that."

Destruction of the buildings has already begun. Cobblestone avenues have been torn up. Bisque dolls have been placed on the various coasters without safety restraints. Fine crystal ware has been smashed, melted down and made into tacky British ashtrays. "We now have the space for a truly good attraction and promise to have something thrown together by Memorial Day," continued Ms. Hutchinson. "After all, our ultimate goal is to make money...er...I mean, to have our guests leaving the park with the feeling they actually may want to return."

--RAS

Monday, April 07, 2003

Enthusiast Shocks Friends With Obscure Knowledge Unrelated to Coasters

Baltimore enthusiast Elroy Carr, 50, has been pleasantly shocking his friends recently with his surprising knowledge of events totally unrelated to roller coasters, sources tell ARN&R. Carr has, like most roller coaster aficionados, been infamous for boring family members and non-coaster-loving acquaintances with descriptions of favorite rides, parks, and ARN&R articles for a substantial percentage of the last few years. However, these friends of Carr's claim that the enthusiast has suddenly changed his tune this week.

"All Elroy ever talks about is how much Six Flags wipes his ass," said Leon Bartlett, 46. "But then, this week, it was like something came over him and made him a new man. He told some of us at lunch about how there was going to be a new moon throughout the Midwest on the last weekend in May, and then he went on to tell us interesting facts about obscure Indiana towns."

Bartlett added, "like, I never knew that the Indiana Baseball Hall of Fame was in Jasper, or that Tell City has fast food establishments of nearly every imaginable type, but for some reason doesn't have a Burger King. It was pretty weird that Elroy knew these bizarre facts, and I'm not sure where he'd heard all this stuff, but I'll take weird over Swiss coaster design firms any time."

"Usually, I can't get Elroy to tell me anything except about the coaster trips he takes all over with this pal of his," stated Linda Murai, 47. "But then, out of the blue yesterday, he explained Indiana time to me in intricate detail. I'd always wondered what was up with those people, but I could never figure it out. Elroy said that most of the state was on Eastern Time all year, but that they did not follow Daylight Savings Time, effectively making them seem like Central Time Zone for the summer. Exceptions are a few counties near Chicago and Evanston, which are on Central Time and also follow Daylight Savings, and a few very eastern counties that are on Eatern Standard, but do follow Daylight Savings."

Murai added that "Elroy has taken a load off my mind with this intriguing discussion about something not remotely affiliated with coasters."

Dean Fetter, 61, was particularly impressed with Carr's recent interest in nineteenth-century American literature. "Normally, Elroy seems to just read travel guides and coffee-table books with big color photos of roller coasters. But he's spent the last several days reading the works of Edgar Allen Poe and Washington Irving. He seemed particularly obsessed with the poem "The Raven" and a story called "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow." He talked about those works for literally hours the other night. He also told me he'd been listening to lots of music, especially Symphonie Fantastique by Berlioz, Night on Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky, and the theme from Halloween. I'm very proud. If this is Elroy's Evil Clone, I don't want the Good Elroy back!"

However, there are those who speculate more sinister motives from Carr, ones unrelated to a seeming desire for the coaster fan to expand his horizons. Says Burl Weiss, 65, "I'm deeply suspicious of all this purported knowledge and brain activity. Sure, Elroy's taken an interest in Poe and Irving. But if he knows so much about American literature, why hadn't he even heard of The Scarlet Letter, Moby Dick, or Catcher in the Rye? As for the music, I know for a fact that all he ever listens to are "Love Rollercoaster" and "Down at Palisades Park," so this sudden intimate awareness of Berlioz is pretty creepy.

Weiss also went on to declare the following: "It's pretty odd that Elroy would know so much about these tiny Indiana towns, but not anywhere else. For instance, I can't figure out why he'd know or have any concern with a state baseball museum when he failed, upon direct questioning, to remember that the professional baseball team in his own town is named "The Orioles," or that Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, and Jackie Robinson were baseball players. He thought all three of those guys worked for Arrow! I don't know what's going on here, but I do know that I'm going to be watching my damn back around this freak from now on."

{Editor's Note: Due to space restrictions, ARN&R was unable to print an exquisite article about how excited enthusiasts are gearing up for their yearly pilgrimage to Holiday World's Stark Raven Mad event. We deeply regret this inconvenience.]

--JCK
Family Schedules First Enthusiast Intervention

Tommy Wadley, 33, recently walked into what he thought was a winter gathering of fellow "coaster buds" to find that his family had put together an intervention. Decked out in an Alpengeist t-shirt and Six Flags St. Louis biker shorts with the slogan "Have YOU done the Boss?" adorning his crotch Wadley thought he was in for an afternoon of the movie "Rollercoaster" followed by the entire "America's Greatest" video series. "For some reason my parents felt that I needed a lifestyle alteration, but how can I alter anything when coasters are my life?!" he said.

"We felt it was time for a change," said Tommy's father Chip. "Its okay to have a hobby, but this was ridiculous. He spends every weekend at a park, works at a video store and hasn't accomplished anything in life. Well, I guess if you consider riding Shivering Timbers 100 times in a day an accomplishment, then, yes, he has done something of note."

Gloria, Tommy's mother, agreed. "We just don't understand why he can't balance his coaster fun with a life. The problem right now is that he doesn't have a life to balance the hobby with."

Tommy was shocked that the family felt a need to hire counselor Tom Hutchison. "I think that my life is well-rounded now. I eat at McDonalds and Checkers, chat online with friends about the Cedar Point & Magic Mountain coaster war and pleasure myself to 'Amusement Today' when I get horny. I know a lot of people are jealous of my vagabond lifestyle, but I think of myself more as a Renaissance Man, uniting everyone. And I live in my parents' basement as a way to help them out!"

The counselor, Hutchison, who ordinarily works with multiple-year heroin addicts, was amazed that someone could get so wrapped up in a hobby. "I have seen lots of people that have some sort of dissociative disorder or regressive social skills, but this guy takes the cake. Usually some people take time out for kids, friends, baths, and the like, but this guy has a one-track mind. In my professional opinion it is kind of, well, pathetic."

Gloria and Chip were rather dismayed at the intervention's outcome. "We had hoped he might shift some of his priorities around, but he just seems more intent than ever to ride. We are going to make it a little harder for him by choosing to stop paying his grocery and AOL bills. I guess it is time for Tommy to grow up."

"I really don't think anything was accomplished," said Wadley. "I am still going to up the ole' coaster count and be the king of the annual ACE eating contest at Coaster Con. There's no slowing me down!"

Sunday, April 06, 2003

Six Flags St. Louis Admits: Boss Causes Pain

Debate has raged at Six Flags St. Louis since the opening of The Boss, a CCI wood terrain coaster, several years ago. While the ride has its devoted fans, many others have expressed the opinion that it is astoundingly painful due to the Gerstlauer trains it uses. ARN&R has it on good authority that Gerstlauer trains are under consideration for being banned at the next Geneva Convention.

Six Flags St. Louis officially put to rest the argument over the punishment doled out by The Boss recently on its website. As readers can see, the coaster has a description and stat sheet on the site; at the bottom, Custom Coasters is listed as the "manufracture" of The Boss. ARN&R applauds SFSTL for its honesty, though we challenge the park to provide splints, casts, and titanium rods for damaged passengers of the ride in the future.

--JCK

Saturday, April 05, 2003

ACE Banned From Museum of Contemporary Art Gent

The amusement park and visual art worlds converged with a rare display of unification recently, with the display of an art exhibit called Roller Coaster, 2001, currently being shown at Belgium's Museum of Contemporary Art Ghent, inexplicably abbreviated as S.M.A.K. The exhibit, which consists of an actual sculpted, working small roller coaster set in an indoor art space at the museum, was crafted by Cai Guo-Qiang, 44, widely considered the most innovative and influential Chinese artist in the world at this time. However, the goodwill and exchange of ideas was brought to a halt this weekend, when the American Coaster Enthusiasts were permanently banned from S.M.A.K.

The difficulties began when a crowd of one hundred ACE members showed up at the museum last Saturday. After unsuccessfully demanding an ERT session of two hours on the installation, many ACErs began forming a line to ride the exhibit anyway.

"Since we weren't able to negotiate any ERT, picnics, or behind the scenes tours from the management, despite paying our entrance fee to this park like any old GP, we figured we should at least do some of our famous Western Pennsylvania ACE Region Informal Takeover Times," said regional rep David Harris. "The museum certainly seemed to have a major problem with our informal takeover of Roller Coaster. Informal takeovers don't cost parks any money, and bring them lots of good publicity. If S.M.A.K. can't make some sort of accommodation to coaster enthusiasts, we'll just never come to this sh*thole again. I mean, this is the only ride here! How can they justify the admission price when all they have are themed art exhibits, a shop, and one lame coaster? At least they should add some flat rides and a real adult coaster. Pathetic."

Said exhibit director Gunther Schadenfreude, pictured here in a cheeky moment involving paint and possibly too much time on his hands, "zees Coaster Enthusiasts vere riding ze installation, und making pig dog demands. Zis ve do not accept. Zey vill not disgrace our gesamtschei├čewerke like zis. They shall never return here vile I am in charge!"

Chuckling cruelly, Schadenfreude added, "ve gave them big time S.M.A.K. down on ze way out, ja?"

Opinions on the ride varied amongst ACE members. Billy McTavich, 40, said "I didn't get to ride it. It looked cool, though. There's a nice swerving drop and what looked like a hint of airtime. Maybe the Guggenheim will bring the installation to the United States. To be honest, after that pile of crap Armani exhibit they clogged the aisles with a couple years back, they owe me a coaster."

However, fellow member Jackie Tucker, 21, stated that Roller Coaster “totally sucked, and isn’t built with larger riders in mind. I don’t recommend a visit to this park.”

--JCK

Thursday, April 03, 2003

ACE Press Release Announces New Incentive for Attending Coaster Con
Pajama Party Offers "Get Laid" Guarantee

Ed. Note: The following was receved by ARN&R as an official press release from the American Coaster Enthusiasts.

If you thought our patch-covered jackets, ugly t-shirts, utter lack of social skills and bottomless buffets were the best ways for ACE members to break the ice and "get some," we have come up with a new way for you to put that box of condoms you have had undisturbed since 1985 to use. Yes, for the 2003 Coaster Con we are proud to present the ACE Pajama Party!

Just check out the flyer. From 8:00 p.m. to 11 p.m. on Tuesday, June 17 ACE is offering a pajama party at the Richmond Marriott!

Think of how fun this will be. Hideous men and women untouched by human contact for years will gather in one room, bring movies and make awkward attempts at being social. Our organizers will start things off with showings of special amusement-park-oriented adult films such as the 1987 classic Riding the Magic Woodie and the more recent Hypersuckit XLC. If these don't get you a little hot and bothered there will be plenty of alcohol and food so you can work up the nerve to talk to that special someone. Granted, this will be the first time some of these people have been out of their house this year, but that just makes things easier.

There will be lots of swingin' singles for you to choose from, too! Let's look at just a couple:

Ladies, watch out for Tony Partridge. He is 36, single, a computer programmer, just moved out of his mom's house and is ready to hit the town. His "C:Dos, C:Dos\Run, Run:Dos\Run" shirt is sure to leave you in stitches and break any uncomfortable tension. And his inability to look at anything besides your breasts is just a little quirky tic he has.

Hey guys, watch out for "Sassy" Susie Stillman. She is 32, single, just got promoted to the night shift associate assistant manager at the Walgreens in Menomonee, Wisconsin, and rents a stylish 1970's duplex. Sure, she's a little pale, but after a few beers you'll think you're in bed with a young co-ed instead of Casper the Ghost.

Because there will be so many attractive singles for you to choose from (noting the 20:1 male to female ratio) we are proud to say that we will offer you a $100 refund if you do not get laid at this party.

Remember the deadline for Coaster Con is soon! This week will offer over ten food-related events and several of those occasions have the words "all you can eat" in them. We are proud to say that our new Pajama Party will give that term a whole new meaning.
No Eighth-Rate Celebrities Brained By Geese Yet This Season
Busch Gardens Williamsburg Offers Apologies to the Nation

In a press conference this afternoon, tearful and crestfallen Busch Gardens Williamsburg representatives apologized to the American public for failing to injure any low-grade, virtually useless celebrities yet this season. Said Tom Lancey, "We really socked it to that wanker Fabio a few years back, what with that monster goose splattering right in his square jaw while he was helping celebrate the opening of Apollo's Chariot. We got so much great publicity out of that, we've tried ever since to stick it to minor entertainment figures when they visit the park, to no avail. A couple years ago, we added 300 new fowl to the park, hoping they would assault Corey Feldman, Anna Nicole Smith, and Gary Coleman. No luck."

Lancey continued: "Last season, we took to actually hurling goose and duck carcasses directly at full trainloads of Apollo riders, trying to nail eighth-rate visiting stars like Tiffany, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and the clearly retarded David Arquette. Still no luck. And we missed that repulsive Carrot Top bastard twelve times on this season's opening day, despite our expensive new computerized system that catapults swans and ostriches toward useless celebrities with what we assumed to be a great degree of accuracy. We suck. Fabio, please come back and help us out. Take another one in the face for us."

When interviewed by reporters, a Busch Gardens wild turkey named Mr. Squawkers, who resides at the far turnaround of Apollo's Chariot and has frequently been seen diving at movie and music personalities of minimal acceptability, had this to say: "Gobble, gobble, gobble!!! Bu-kok, bu-gobble! Cluck! Gobbledy gobble gooble gobble!"

Then he added, angrily, "Gobble gobble gobble!!!"

Fabio refused to be interviewed for this story, but his agent told ARN&R that the heartthrob "is still deeply offended and upset by the unprovoked avian assault, as the injuries Fabio sustained all but ended his dream of simultaneously becoming a nuclear physicist, plant geneticist, brain surgeon, and angst-ridden poet."

--JCK

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

ARN&R Fails To Win Coasterbuzz Site of Year Award

Coasterbuzz recently posted its list of 2003 awards, and ARN&R is deeply disturbed and concerned that our site did not win. Actually, we barely managed to finish out of last place, despite the fact that we helpfully provided instructions on how to vote multiple times by emptying your cache and cookies. We are therefore unable to follow up on our promise that, if we were victorious, we would never insult or mock any idiots (like Xfan) who post at Coasterbuzz, nor will we be switching our format to consist entirely of fawning portraits of Vekoma, Premier, Six Flags, and the most succulent amusement park foods on sticks. We regret that we must continue savagely mocking enthusiasts and parks for the foreseeable future. You have only yourselves to blame.
Six Flags America Revises CoasterCon Add-On Day Plans

Reacting to widespread enthusiast outrage over its flyer announcing an add-on day following the 2003 ACE Coaster Convention, Six Flags America hastened to release a new schedule today.

"We were shocked at the negative publicity created by our proposed day at Six Flags," stated SFA manager Bud Billingsworth. "We felt sure that hundreds of devoted coaster fans would pay $35, plus $9 parking, for the rare privilege of a Saturday in our filthy, crowded, gangland park, with a monster full hour of morning ERT thrown in for good measure. Also there was the alluring promise of fried chicken, ziti, hot dogs, and metric assloads of thick gravy to tempt those ACErs. I guess we miscalculated."

Following what Billingsworth called "an unending stream of abusive emails, chat group postings, and threatening phone calls," the manager retracted the earlier itinerary. The new version of the event was posted to the ACE website tonight.

"We do listen to our customers," insisted Billingsworth. "We are now planning to offer this exciting add-on day for only $34.99, with parking for a mere $8.99. Also, the pitiful one hour of morning coaster ERT has been removed in favor of an exciting one hour of Security Frisking ERT! Each ACE member will receive an hour of personal searching from a burly security guard. The excitement will be in not knowing if the guard will merely pat the ACE member down, run a metal detector over him, engage in a full body cavity search, or tackle him and club him senseless for suspicion of having metal objects like, say, keys, which could be used as weapons. We're also planning to give 7 hours of night ERT on the one-of-a-kind thrill attraction Mind Eraser. And to the lunch menu we will add that suet buffet that ACE members have been craving. Hopefully ACE members will be pleased with our efforts on their behalf, and we'll expect to see each and every one of them at our gorgeous park!"

--JCK

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

A Special April Fool's Day Reminder From ARN&R

We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that there are websites out there in cyberland that propagate the spread of misleading and downright ridiculous rumors regarding the amusement industry. Particularly at this time of year, or, more specifically, this day of the year, newsgroups and websites tend to present a great deal of outlandish information for the sole purpose of leading honest coaster enthusiasts astray. We encourage our readers to take any information gleaned on this day with more than a grain of salt, unless of course the information comes directly from ARN&R, the only "absolutely reliable" source of honest, straight, undeniable true facts regarding your favorite and/or most loathed amusement parks and ride manufacturers.

With that in mind, ARN&R is happy to confirm the absolute veracity of the following rumors, according to our loyal spies within various park managements:

1) Magnum really is sinking into Lake Erie. The rate of sinkage is estimated to be more than a foot per year currently, meaning the ride will lose its coveted "hypercoaster" status within half a decade. Cedar Point plans to use sandbags, reroute water patterns, and eventually move the historic landmark several hundred yards inland from its present location.

2) Paramount King's Island will tear down the Vortex. Although many enthusiasts were hoping the park would do so purely out of spite, PKI actually intends to re-install The Bat, claiming that "even though it broke down for months at a time, at least it didn't induce seizures and comas."

3) Dorney Park will finally open those dueling wood standup inverted air-launched coasters we've been hearing so much about.

4) Sea World California will, for no apparent reason, construct a massive immersive ride based on the music of Gustav Mahler.

5) ARN&R will be listed for the first time as a Fortune 500 company.

6) Your Rollercoaster Magazine will appear in your mailbox this week. No, not the 2002 Summer issue. The 2003 Winter issue.

7) The trains on Six Flags World of Adventure's X-Flight will be turned to face backward for the 2003 season.

8) Disney's Magic Kingdom theme park will turn It's a Small World into a shooting gallery attraction.

9) All ACE event buffets will feature double the tonnage of gristly, dripping meats on sticks for your enjoyment. Also, there will be more gravy.

10) Hundreds of hot, intelligent, scantily-clad, single, very horny, college-aged girls, who adore coasters and their enthusiasts, will be attending each and every coaster event this coming season. Maybe even Jessica Alba, if we let her out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion like we promised, but wished we hadn't.

--JCK