Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Bladder Voided

Amusement park enthusiast Chris Grueninger's bladder explosively emptied its contents directly into his pants Sunday, he claims. According to Grueninger, the "scare actors" at Busch Gardens Williamsburg's Howloscream were so utterly terrifying that his bladder involuntarily voided itself all over him in most embarrassing fashion.

The incident occurred at approximately 8:00 PM, as the park was just entering darkness. Says Grueninger, "I was already sorta creeped out by those sheets hanging in the trees and by the blacklights sticking out right in the open, and that Festhaus show was unbelievably frightening, especially when they sang Bon Jovi. Then, I was absolutely scared out of my wits when this woman dressed as a statue or something jumped at me and went 'RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!' Since I'd filled myself up with copious gallons of expensive, noxious Pepsi products all evening, my bladder was totally full when the scary lady jumped at me, and its entire contents were hosed all over me with incredible violence."

Grueninger noted with regret that "there was this chick dressed like a gypsy who wasn't at all scary, more like pretty damn hot, but I had to run away like I was frightened anyway since I was pretty sure she'd find the stench of my urine all over my pants and legs to be a turnoff."

Six Flags Announces Major Cost Savings Achieved from Hurricane Isabel
Expects Postive Impact on 3Q03 Earnings

The world's largest Theme Park Company -- Six Flags Theme Parks (NYSE: PKS) -- announced today that it reaped huge benefits from the recent effects of Hurricane Isabel. In an emergency press conference from the chain's Oklahoma City office, Chairman and CEO Keiran Burke explained: "While our stock has been out of favor recently on Wall Street with analysts focusing on our staggering debt load and increasingly poor performance, I am confident that the most recent events in our major east-coast US markets will propel us into true profitability and record-breaking attendance increases."

Burke continued, "We were fortunate enough to have Hurricane Isabel hit our facilities mid-week in the post Labor Day season. These facilities include Six Flags America, Six Flags Great Adventure, Six Flags Dairen Lake, Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, The Great Escape (a Six Flags property), and Six Flags New England. These facilities were all scheduled to be closed while the hurricane struck, resulting in no lost revenue due to further dastardly weather that has plauged our facilities along with concerns with terrorism, West Nile Virus, Bubonic Plague, and rat infestations this fiscal year. Remember that -- the bad results this year were entirely out of our control. Last year too."

"Furthermore, an unexpected benefit has resulted in what we feel, along with our CFO James Dannhauser, will propel our attendance and profitability into the stratosphere. Isabel packed upwards of 75 mile-per-hour winds and torrential rains on our most vaulable properties. This severe rain and wind substantially benefited our operations as it washed away 5 years of trash and garbage that has piled up at our facilities since 1998."

Burke continued: "Unexpected flooding also swept the several metric tons of human excrement that have collected at our guest comfort facilties and our restrooms are sparkling like new. As a result, we are able to eliminate our last 2 groundskeeper positions at each of the parks named above for both the remainder of this fiscal year and also next. Additionally, now that our restrooms are spotless, we are adding a new 'RestPass' program at each park named above. We are installing bill validators on all restrooms that will collect $20 for each guest that wants to enter the facility." According to reports, visitors who do not pay for a 'RestPass' will be permitted to urinate or defecate in a large open pit area that will later be part of a Gotham Hovel-themed roller coaster.

Trading of the stock was down .29 or 4% to 4.89 at Monday's close.