Friday, March 14, 2003

Petting Zoo Goat Runs Amuck

Wild Adventures, a medium-sized theme park in Valdosta, Georgia, was devastated today by the antics of an out-of-control goat. The deranged member of the Capra genus has thrown the small community into an uproar seldom seen outside Valdosta State University football games and bumper surfing matches.

The goat, known to park employees as "Sam Barber," began his outrageous shenanigans by surprising 7-year-old Michael Torke from behind and stealing his ice cream cone. "The bad goat ate my ice cream!" wailed the child. He further elaborated that "then it tried to eat me!"

While experts dismiss the comments of Torke as a severe exaggeration of the truth, pointing out that goats are not carnivorous, the boy's mother did note that "the horrible little creature stole my child's food, and subsequently chased him into some goat s&*%. Now he's traumatized and keeps thinking small hoofed animals are going to chew on his succulent flesh. Also, it's not going to fun trying to clean all that goat s#%&* off his Zips."

Others were terrorized by the deadly animal throughout the day. "I was trying to give one of the sheep a pat on the head, and he kept glaring at me and scooting away," said coaster enthusiast Paul Creston, 46. "Maybe he'd had a bad experience with enthusiasts before...I think some of the ACE members at the park event here this January tried to catch and roast one of those sheep for lunch, maybe. Anyway, I was so distracted trying to pet the sheep that I didn't notice that filthy goat sneaking up, and he ate half of my precious Rampage T-shirt before I escaped. That thing should be taken out of the pen and shot."

Creston noted that "at least four or five other people had clothes torn apart and partially ingested by that thing, just during the time I was near the petting zoo."

"Now people are beginning to witness what happens when humans humiliate and enslave our happy mammalian friends," said Gordon Beeferman of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "This intelligent, beautiful creature has been forced to live in a big, wide pen getting stuffed with tasty morsels of food every day of his life. It's demeaning and horrifying, and we support this goat's assaults on disgusting humans who are taking advantage of him. Eat those shirts, Sam! Trick the human monsters into stepping on your goat poo! Gore those bastards on your horns!"

Beeferman then added, "ooooh, is that barbecue I smell? Mmmmmmmm....dang, that looks yummy. Hang on, I'll be back in a minute. Yes, ma'am. Two platters, and don't skimp on the white meat. Of course I'm going to finish both plates myself."

Wild Adventures released a terse statement to the media, saying that "all patrons are warned about the possibility of goat naughtiness, and that people who pet the animals need to watch out for themselves that the their ice cream and stupid coaster shirts are not being chewed upon by hoofed barnyard creatures."