Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Study: No One Cares About Coaster Club's Motto

The Florida Coaster Club (FLCC) has been going strong since 1998 and wants everyone to know that they "Ride All Year." However, recent studies indicate that no one cares. "I don't understand it," said club president Patrick Grozen. "Our shirts, our hats, even our bumper stickers say 'We Ride All Year.' But, barely anyone seems to pay attention to the fact that we live in a part of the country that has roller coasters open year-round."

After a careful study conducted by ARN&R personnel it is apparent that no one, be they enthusiast or not, cares what the FLCC does. "It was pretty apparent that everyone we talked to, from the typical unkempt, undersexed enthusiast to the 1% that are socially versatile, gave two shits about the FLCC members' riding habits," said Tim Teemer, ARN&R's head of statistical research. "The results went even lower once we included the general public in our poll. Apparently none of them understand who rides all year, or even where they do it. One of our respondents even suggested that they change their slogan to 'We suck all year,' but I didn't think that I should let club members know that factoid."

Retiree Adam Tosh felt more people should know about the quality coastering you can do in the Sunshine state during the dreaded "off season." After taking a long hit from his oxygen bottle Tosh said, "Down here I'm in the land of bridge, 4:00 dinner specials and year-round coastering. It doesn't get much better than that."

The club's teen sect showed hostility to the pollsters once the results were revealed at the FLCC's annual "Touch MeKraken" event at Sea World. "If you don't think riding Old Town's Dragon Wagon twenty times during a rain storm in February is hard core, you're insane," said 17 year-old Todd Johnson.

Grozen said that the club is currently working on a public relations campaign to make sure that people understand the benefits of riding all year. "How anyone can consider marathoning on the Starliner unimportant is beyond me. But, we are working to make sure that every coaster nut out there understands just how much better we are than them because of our riding opportunities." They hope to have a slogan chosen by IAAPA so they can show convention-goers how superior their coasting lifestyle is. "I know the people from B&M, Intamin, S&S and other companies really care about how often we ride their coasters," Grozen concluded.

Ed Markey Admits Being "Unfaithful" to Family

Representative Ed Markey (D-MA), in a brief statement on Sunday, stated that he had been
"unfaithful to my loving wife and family for the last couple of years" while coming clean about an "inappropriate relationship" he had been having with an undisclosed person inside sources claim may have been named "Lee". Markey said that he decided to come clean when an interview posted on Coasterbuzz mentioned the affair, and since he had recently broken off the relationship, he felt it was time to come clean.

"Most of my decisions in the past few years have been based upon this relationship," Markey said to a writer for ARN&R. "The real reason for my Amusement Safety Act was because I felt my special friend was spending too much time riding them, and not enough time cuddling with me. I felt that if I could get rid of some of these coasters, or make them so heavily regulated as to be completely unpleasant, maybe my secret companion would have more time for me. That is what eventually led to the breakup, as this individual turned out to have a greater interest than I realized in saving coasters and moving them to his own park in North Dakota or Djibouti or the Greenland or something, I forget where, and I could not sway the person from this goal. As a last ditch effort, I concocted a great plan I thought would make us both happy: we could take every U.S. coaster, put them in wherever weird place he wanted, and then on days that it rains or was below 60 degrees, we could let people sit in the station, in the trains, and take their pictures! But that wasn’t good enough, I suppose.”

Markey said he hopes to be able to forge a close personal relationship with his interns, or perhaps a pet gerbil, this summer, as long as he can hide such things from his wife and family as well. [Editor’s Note: Oops. Sorry, Ed. Guess we let that one out of the bag.]


[Related News: Markey tackles the deadly shuffleboarding industry and spends time in lunatic asylum.]