Friday, September 15, 2006

Enthusiast’s Vanity License Plate Causes Derisive Comments, Honking

Derek Gerretsen simply can’t figure out what the problem is.

“Everywhere I go, it’s the same thing,” said the 35 year old coaster enthusiast and owner of a 1986 Pontiac Fiero. “I can’t even drive down the street anymore without some pinhead honking his horn like crazy, or a carload full of teenagers calling me a bone smoker or a meat mogul. Just the other day, two high school girls in a Miata threw some opened mayonnaise packets through my passenger side window and told me to go back to Gaytown, wherever that is.

“I’ve tried to even ask a few of them why they’re yelling such terrible things at me, but so far they’ve all told me to go back to knob gobbling or practicing my skin flute. I’m totally confused.”

But David Allen, Gerretsen’s co-worker at StrandCo Electrical Supply, knows exactly what’s going on. “Derek is a total mouthbreather,” Allen told ARN&R. “All he ever does is talk about the road trips he takes on the weekends and vacation to those stupid amusement parks. I got trapped working with him in shipping and receiving a few months ago, and he wouldn’t shut up about how he got 50 rides on some 'woodie' coaster called the Vonage, or the Voyage, or something like that.

“I was so tired of hearing him babble, I told him he should get a vanity license plate for that crappy car that said that he loved wood. I’ll be damned if the guy didn’t show up with one a few weeks later. Everyone here was laughing at him, but he doesn’t have a clue to what’s so funny. What an incredible tool that guy is.”

Gerretsen has yet to realize the connection between his custom license plate and his near-daily castigation on the streets of Johan Heights, Indiana. “I was surprised that it was still available,” said the oblivious Gerretsen, pointing at his plate that reads ILUVWOOD. “I thought I’d get stuck with something else, like MEANSTRK, or GRSTLAUR. But I got lucky, and it goes so nicely with my Judge Roy Scream bumper sticker!

“David at my work actually gave me the idea. That guy is pretty cool. There’s rumors of an ACE event at Mt. Olympus sometime next year. Maybe I’ll ask him if he wants to go and split a site at the Dell Boo Campground.”

“Go on a road trip with that guy? In that car?” asked Allen, when informed of Gerretsen’s possible invitation. “No thanks. I collect Star Wars memorabilia. I’ve got a hard enough time getting dates as it is.”