Friday, April 30, 2004

Enthusiast Complains About Single Train Operation On Six Flags New England Flashback

"I know everyone's been complaining about single train operation on Superman," wrote Coastaz4evah on the Coasterbuzz forums recently, "but what about Flashback? They were running single train operation on Flashback too! I had to wait almost 5-10 minutes for a ride that totally should have been a walk on yesterday!"

Coastaz4eveh continued, "this goes to show that Six Flags cares more about penny pinching then the guest's experience."

When asked to comment on this criticism, a distant gaze appeared in the eyes of Six Flags CEO Gary Story. "Yes, I remember we tried to run two train operation on a Vekoma Boomerang once. It was in 1998, opening day at Six Flags Over India. It was rumored the line for the Boomerang would be over eight hours long, so we tried to run a second train," Story stated. "The screams of the dead haunt me to this day."

As of this writing, the penny pinching Six Flags Corp. continues running all Vekoma Boomerangs with single train operation.


Thursday, April 29, 2004

Flyer in ACE Newsletter Raises Porn Sales

Steve Goldschmitt was excited when he went to the mailbox two weeks ago. This was because his newest edition of Front Seat Thrills, put out by Horse Creek Productions, was due to arrive. He had seen a flyer for the POV video in the latest copy of ACE News and was excited to gather the kids around the fireplace and watch some coaster footage. What he found instead shocked this Pentecostal minister from Dothan, Alabama.

"Apparently I got the name wrong," confided Goldschmitt, "because the people in this video were not coaster enthusiasts. They were, ugh, um, people who practiced very alternative lifestyles. Specifically, getting in some sort of harness and being, um, handled by a line of men." What the pasty Pentecostal had ordered was not Horse Creek Productions' "Front Seat Thrills," but rather, Horse C*ck Productions' latest release, "Front Meat Thrills Vol. 4: Ass Party."

Lance Rodman, C.E.O. of Horse C*ck Productions, spoke exclusively with ARN&R about the mix-up and his refusal to refund Goldschmitt. "Yeah, he bought that DVD from us. Some real freaky sh*t going on there. I don't see what the big deal is. It's the same as a roller coaster, you have to hold on to the bar, there's a lot of going up and down and some screaming is going on." When asked why he wouldn't provide a refund, Rodman said, "The man bought a tape with an ass party and he's going to live with it. What if every closeted religious fanatic wanted to return their porn? I would owe Pat Robertson for the entire thirty-tape series. At $24.95 per tape that's just no way to run a business."

Goldschmitt says he is still recovering from the shock of seeing the tape. "They were doing all of these things I never knew were possible," he lamented. "I have had sex missionary style and, you know, like the dogs do. Lydia, my wife, hates that one. But, I never knew candle wax, an object called the 'King Dong' or 25 people could be involved. That's a bit different than this God-fearing person is used to."

Goldschmitt assured his congregation and the IRS that the tape was burned. However, the preacher fell strangely silent when his mail carrier, a congregation member, asked why on Tuesday the Goldschmitt household received a DVD labeled "The Man Hole Vol. 21: Cleaning the Pipes." The pastor tried to tell churchgoers about Six Flags Over Georgia's new coaster, but this time they didn't appear to be listening.


Wednesday, April 28, 2004

The Return of the Weird-Ass Search String

As usual, we've been getting some really messed-up freaks blundering across ARN&R while looking for highly disturbing- or just plain odd- crap on the web. Just have a gander at how the lunatics and wackos have located our website lately!

By the way, if you were one of the asylum escapees who typed in these searches, by all means welcome to our fun amusement park satire page! You'll find exactly what you were looking for here! Please don't rub your feces on our houses or sodomize our pets!

-Charlize Theron Backward Speech

While at least one member of the ARN&R staff believes the South African actress to be a filthy (and thoroughly untalented) minion of the Antichrist, his views have not gained widespread acceptance. And even he would never have thought you could hear Satanic lyrics when you play her backwards!

-Antonio Sabato Jr Gets Jumped

Well, on second thought, this one isn't all that weird. It's actually a thoroughly admirable thing to hope for, but we're afraid that ARN&R will not be much help in getting it to happen. Best of luck, though. Our prayers are with you in this noble enterprise.

-Pat Robertson tattoos piercings

Presumably because every jackass who hates gays and women needs to be able to locate a parlor willing to permanently carve the pasty, intolerant visage of his fearless leader into his bicep or staple it through his penis.

-Jessica Simpson Camel Toe Rumors

Um. Ew. Well, thankfully no one has found us while searching for "Josh Groban Male Camel Toe," at least. Yet.


Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Work Is Your Nemesis

In what has to be one of the most bizarro website promotions ever designed for a theme park, Alton Towers has created a website,, that encourages people to skip work and come to play there instead. Customers are invited to download a discount voucher and sneak out of the office, but not before emailing everyone they know to encourage them to also be lazy bastards.

If your theme park website promotion is tacky enough to be reported on by major media outlets, and also gets forwarded to us as a joke by two different friends of ours who care and know almost nothing about amusement parks, you probably just made the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.


Monday, April 26, 2004

Stratosphere Just Starts Throwing People Off Their Tower

In a move designed to "give our guests the ultimate thrill experience," the Stratosphere hotel and casino began randomly throwing guests off the top of their tower this weekend.

"I was just thinking to myself, 'How can we push the bar further here at the Stratosphere? How can we really get on the map as a thrill ride capital?'" reminisced Stratosphere CEO Jim Knipfel. "It so happens I was snorting cocaine with Penn and Teller off a stripper's ass at the time, and Penn, he looks up from the powder on this Grade A perfect ass and says 'Hey Jim? Why not just start throwing the f**kers from the tower?'"

"I said 'Penn, I know you were joking, but that's a good f**king idea!'"

As of last Friday, all tower visitors to the Stratosphere are required to sign a legal document waiving all damages in the event "of random tower expulsion." Guests are chosen to be thrown off the tower at further randomly determined rates, though Knipfel assured ARN&R that the Stratosphere "will be ejecting at least 1-5 customers a day." Those guests who visit and are not murdered will receive a prize in the form of a 10% buffet discount.


Sunday, April 25, 2004

Halloween Horror Nights Mazes Revealed

One of the most popular of the many Halloween makeovers at the nation's amusement parks is Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Orlando. As has become a recent tradition, Universal has released some limited details about the expected attractions well in advance in order to whet the appetites of eager thrillseekers. Aside from the creepy night theming, scare zones, shows, and a substantial number of rides operating at both Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios, the fall event always features a number of terrifying mazes. Here is the tentative listing of the mazes, provided by Universal rep Kevin Benjo Ikitai, for Halloween Horror Nights in 2004:

-TRON: Ultimate Terror will be what Benjo Ikitai claims "simple but terribly effective." According to Benjo Ikitai, "we're well aware of the utter horror experienced by unfortunate souls who have blundered across Jay Maynard's TRON Costume website, so we thought we could incorporate that terror into a frightening walk-through attraction. The maze will consist of a series of rooms, each of which pretty much just features a fat man wearing an obscenely tight white spandex bodysuit.

"We decided to make it a character from the TRON universe, but not a known character, since we couldn't find anyone in the same shape as Bruce Boxleitner," says Benjo Ikitai. "And, while one drawback of wearing spandex is that it does nothing to hide one's obesity, it will certainly inspire so much fear as to cause a great number of visitors to explosively fill their trousers with their own fecal material."

Although the Universal rep would not divulge this fact, ARN&R has it on good authority from another source that the final room in the maze will be pitch black, allowing the full glory of the glowing stripes on the TRON outfit to mesmerize and stupify the audience into weeping and begging for mercy.

-Jeff Goldblum is Watching You Poop: The Decimation is fully expected, says Benjo Ikitai, "to send just about every visitor home crying for Mommy." In each and every nightmarish room of this maze, Jeff Goldblum may or may not be staring in a menacing fashion at guests. "Particularly if they are pooping," says Benjo Ikitai. "Wouldn't it be amazingly scary if you were walking through a haunted house and you innocently sat down to take a dump, and then all of a sudden you noticed Jeff Goldblum staring at you?" The Universal rep also noted that fans of comprehensible spelling and grammar would be particularly revolted and disturbed by this particular maze, though he offered no specific information related to this fact.

-The World's Largest 40oz Collection: the Extreme Experience, described by Benjo Ikitai as "pretty f**king scary," sends visitors on a jaunt through various eye-popping rooms, including the Detailed Reviews of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull, the 40oz Bitches, the 40oz Crew, and the terrifying monsters and nightmare creatures of the Drunk'n Public.

-My Little Pony: The Damnation will be "the last word in the realm of extreme thrills," according to Benjo Ikitai. According to the Universal rep, "the unearthly shrieks of the damned and the wails of unspeakable agony of tortured lost souls will emanate all night from within the My Little Pony attraction."

Designed by the webmaster of the violently cloying Melody's My Little Pony Site, My Little Pony: The Damnation will feature several frightening chambers where visitors witness teenage morons devoting endless hours to babbling about and making websites about their toy horses. The terror level is ramped up with the Gauntlet of Revulsion, where hell-beasts offer the guests "huggles." Then comes the agony of Lancer's Corner, where a particularly fiendish Minion of the Antichrist, Lancer the Pony, awaits. After the guests enter this chamber, the lights darken and Lancer appears; he then speaks, informing the newcomers that "my parents are very rich and we have a mansion. I'm here to show you the ten prettiest My Little Ponies." After the guests escape Lancer's tour of the Fiery Underworld of Satan, there comes the final "assault on the very sanity of the guests," according to Benjo Ikitai. Apparently, this final chamber will consist entirely of some lunatic giving exhaustively detailed instructions on how to give My Little Pony sausage curls in its hair.

Visitors to Halloween Horror Nights will be required to sign a waiver in order to witness My Little Pony: The Damnation; it is anticipated that the maze will make as many as half of all visitors "vomit so hard their eyes go bloodshot," according Benjo Ikitai.

Benjo Ikitai also added that there would be one more maze, but its theme was still being fine-tuned and would be announced soon. However, he denied that guests entering this final maze would either face the evil ministrations of The Subservient Chicken, or simply be tied down and forced to watch Reign of Fire in its entirely, saying that "both of those really might be a little too horrifying for most of our guests to endure."


Friday, April 23, 2004

Paramount's Canada's Wonderland Announces New Footloose Coaster

At a press conference today, representatives of Paramount's Canada's Wonderland made the official announcement of a long-rumored ride to debut at the park early in the 2005 season. Footloose: The Ride, set to open in May of next year, will be a Bolliger & Mabillard-designed floorless coaster themed to the thrilling and critically-acclaimed Kevin Bacon dance film.

"Huh," said Screamscape webmaster Lance Hart. "I heard rumors of this ride ages ago, and I've had it listed at Screamscape for months, but I always was sort of thinking it was some sort of joke or something. Guess the joke's on me."

"Getting a B&M coaster themed to Footloose makes so much sense for Paramount's Canada's Wonderland," said park rep Willie O' Keefe. "Everything just fits together perfectly. For instance, think about this: We will have a ride called Footloose: The Ride here next season. B&M will build Footloose: The Ride for us. That company also built Medusa at Six Flags Great Adventure. Six Flags Great Adventure is of course run by Six Flags, Inc., which also runs Six Flags Magic Mountain. Six Flags Magic Mountain has a ride called the Revolution. Well, Revolution is a coaster that Kevin Bacon rode four years ago during a free weekend he had between filming Hollow Man and Novocaine. Just six degrees of separation! Isn't that incredible?"

"It is incredible," said another PCW rep, Ray Duquette. "I was just talking about it the other day with two of our managers, Valentine McKee and David Labraccio, and we came up with this astounding tidbit: We are building Footloose: The Ride. That ride will be located next to another ride called Top Gun. Top Gun was designed by Vekoma, and Vekoma also created the Rock 'N' Roller Coaster at Disney/MGM Studios. Disney/MGM is a theme park in the same large Disney World complex, where the Magic Kingdom also resides, and Kevin Bacon visited the Magic Kingdom with his family when he was twelve years old! Isn't that just jaw-dropping?"

When asked for comment, Kevin Bacon politely asked that people leave him alone.


Thursday, April 22, 2004

Imagineers Stumped by Mr. Toad Concept

Disney Imagineers are reportedly at what one inside source calls "a total dead end" in their attempt to create an exciting theme park attraction based on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

"With the DVD release of the movie called Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Disney has the rare opportunity to tie in a successful property by creating a ride at the Magic Kingdom based on Mr. Toad," says the source. "Disney already owns the U.S. film and ride rights to The Wind in the Willows due to their older animated film deal involving the book, but this newer movie really gives a kick-start to the idea of producing a fun attraction based on Mr. Toad and pals. Unfortunately, no one has the slightest idea of how to create a ride based on this book or on the movies based upon it!" The source then slapped his head crisply for emphasis.

One ride concept, discarded by Disney, would have featured themed cars that zipped speedily and wildly turned through scenes from The Wind in the Willows. The working title for this concept was "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." The source was unable to decipher why this idea was scrapped.

"The only thing certain about the new ride is that it will involve Mr. Toad in some way, and it will replace that Pooh ride at Magic Kingdom," said the source. "Everyone knows that thing blows, so we won't be getting any nasty hate mail about removing a popular classic attraction or anything."

Ebert, Scott, Mitchell Abandon Careers

Three influential film critics -- Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times, A.O. Scott of the New York Times, and Elvis Mitchell of the L.A. Times -- today simultaneously announced that they were retiring, effective immediately, citing the presence of a new group of critics who "just blew us away."

The new group, a consortium of critics posting their musings at CoasterForce, rose to international prominence with their collective thoughts on The Girl Next Door.

Chach45, who is reportedly being interviewed for a position with Film Threat, opened the Algonquin Table-like discussion with "Ok ok ok... for those who don't know, a new movie named 'The Girl Next Door' is coming out on April 9th. Personally, I can't wait, mostly because Elisha Cuthbert is in it, and she is the hottest woman on planet Earth! What do you guys think about Elisha/the movie?"

After pondering Chach45's meditative and insightful posting, ioainme held forth on the underlying themes of the film: "cant wait to see it looks good." After learning that noted thespian Elisha Cuthbert portrays an adult film actress, future New York Times critic PreppieBoy9489 gave his highest review, previously reserved for The English Patient: "Does she really? *writes on hand to GO SEE THAT MOVIE!!!*"

Chach45, hoping to facilitate the continued insightful development of the discussion, rejoined the conversation: "Yes, yes it is true. My buddy saw the sneak preview... she plays an ex porn star who meets an up tight guy and turns him crazy and stuff.. and you see her butt in small underwear CANT WAIT!"

But Chach45 was not to have the last word. Instead, coolcat13 set forth what is likely to be the last word not only on the film, but also on film criticism, introducing the revolutionary concept of relying on Canadian provincial film ratings boards for the determination of a film's quality: "It does look like a shit film but with lots of T&A. lol I also heard on the radio that Ontario is one of the only provinces rating the movie 14A, everywhere else it's going to be 18A or then you know it's going to be good."

The intellectual back-and-forth continued with Chach45's rapier-like response: "It does not look like shite movie! It looks great! What's better then the hottest woman on the planet playing a porn star? NOTHING!"

Then, out of nowhere, dannybark cut to the heart of the matter: "lets be realistic, will elisha cuthbert actually get proper naked in this film or even show sumthin?.. its doubtful." Not since Janet Maslin's early advocacy for key art films has a writer had such an insight. And while the conversation continued for a period, all the following postings are clearly mere afterthoughts to dannybark's brilliance.

Ebert, Scott and Mitchell collectively sighed upon reading the thread. "Our careers are done," said Ebert, the first film critic to receive a Pulitzer Prize. "Indeed," said A.O. Scott, who many believe has filled Janet Maslin's position at the Times with great success. And Mitchell -- widely considered the most promising young critic in America -- simply curled up into the fetal position, weeping.

At press time, CoasterForce was reportedly determining if it could assert copyright on the postings. Experts estimate that simply the Girl Next Door postings could result in the site owners becoming millionaires if published in book form.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Dollywood's Thunderhead Better Than Sex, Says Enthusiast Speaking Entirely Hypothetically

Dollywood's new GCI wooden coaster Thunderhead has been getting rave reviews. From declarations that it is the number one wooden coaster in the world to more specific comparisons to Raven and the like, enthusiast response has been strong, to say the least.

Joining in the chorus of praise is 29-year-old enthusiast Prescott Selby of Oregon. Selby, whose coaster count is over 300, traveled thousands of miles to attend Thunderhead's opening and declares it the greatest wooden coaster anywhere, stating that it is "better than sex, or at least better than I imagine sex might be had I ever participated in such activity, which I haven't."

"From the start of the lift hill through the airtime and laterals, Thunderhead delivers in every respect, much like I would suspect a lengthy evening of sweet lovemaking would deliver," said Selby, whose last female contact was an accidental brushing of his hand by the cashier at the Stop 'n' Go over four weeks ago. "My feelings of satisfaction were even greater than those described to me by those people I have spoken with whom have in fact had sex. My whooping and hollering upon returning to the station were remarkably like the sounds I have heard emanating from the apartment next to mine, where Joe and his series of girlfriends are having what I must assume is hot all-night action. Yep, Thunderhead is much better than entirely hypothetical sex!"

Selby concluded: "I sure am glad Thunderhead is here to provide me this satisfaction, so now I don't have to feel bad about not getting any."

Monday, April 19, 2004

What is Worse...Losing a Historic Wood Coaster or Having to Eat at a Non-Chain Restaurant?

That's the question answered enthusiastically by dozens of hungry coaster enthusiasts with no sense of taste, as our Site O' the Weak focuses on the infamous rec.roller-coaster thread where the announcement is made that Miracle Strip has been sold to land developers. Almost no one posting demonstrates any concern whatsoever that Miracle Strip and the Starliner will be destroyed late this year for a strip mall, and instead the forum participants use the topic as an excuse to talk, endlessly, about how great it would be if there were only chain restaurants around, so they could never be challenged or have to experience anything outside of their own boring, useless existence. Merely using an on-topic thread as an excuse to talk about food, a standard trick used by many coaster enthusiasts, is certainly enough to get consideration for the SOW, but this topic gets shot right to the top for also blatantly ignoring the destruction of a good coaster just to talk about food, and for showcasing opinions that are, remarkably, even more stupid than the average useless drivel that spews from the mouths of typical enthusiasts.

Yes, this is the same thread referenced in an article earlier this week. It is indeed a first for ARN&R to reuse a link from an earlier story as the Site O' the Weak, as we naturally strive to bring you as many dreadful websites about amusement parks as possible. However, this thread is so execrable, it deserves the extra attention, and since we aren't able to give the forum participants the hosing down with pressurized sewage they richly deserve, we might as well just point out how stupid they are over and over.


Thursday, April 15, 2004

Enthusiasts Greet Announcement of Impending Destruction of Miracle Strip With Praise for Shitty Chain Restaurants

Yet another small, family-owned amusement park will be forever lost in the near future, as it was recently announced that Miracle Strip Amusement Park, home of the underappreciated wood coaster gem Starliner, would be sold to land developers, effective following the 2004 season. The park has one year to remove all attractions from the property, meaning that visitors have only this season, and possibly not all of it, to experience the wonders of the park, a clean, bright, fun oasis amongst what experts call "the ugliest open weeping pustule of a filthy cesspool," Redneck Riviera Capitol Panama City.

"We'll be turning the place into something useful," said the developer's attorney, Harry Dick. "Our research has indicated that Americans don't really enjoy the thrill of a unique little amusement park. Visiting a place with free parking and inexpensive tickets is just plain dumb, plus it's really stupid to ride a fun old wooden coaster at night, with neon flashing and warm, salty air blowing gently through your hair. No, in this country people would much prefer some nice cookie-cutter condos or a Taco Bell instead. We're just catering to you stupid f**ks, you know, since you have no taste. And, of course, we're making tons of money and making every square inch of America look exactly alike." Dick then laughed menacingly while absentmindedly plucking at his small, emaciated scrotum.

Lovers of the traditional park held out hope despite the announcement, as the American Coaster Enthusiasts and other coaster fan groups had not yet spoken on the matter. Since one of the main reasons ACE was formed was to protect and laud classic wood coasters, and that mission is a major portion of the current ACE manifesto, and since other groups have also stated a desire to protect endangered coaster landmarks, most observers were certain a major concerted protest action would be forthcoming within a matter of minutes.

The major concerted protest effort has now been undertaken. Coaster enthusiasts have risen up to declare their strong opinions concerning the unfortunte closure of another great traditional park. And that opinion is this: "We like Red Lobster."

Initially, it seemed as if enthusiasts would unite to support the old park and shake their collective fists at greedy agents of the Fast Food Nation, for the announcement of the impending sale of Miracle Strip started off by provoking anger at rec.roller-coaster. Kip Ross referenced the original article, Shawn Mamros decried the closure, and ACE Preservation Director Matt Crowther eloquently wrote of America's losing its soul to corporate culture. However, these three members of the forum were obviously not speaking for the majority of their compatriots, as nearly the entire remainder of the thread became a forum for cretins and imbeciles to laud the tepid, overcooked, frozen and processed grub at Red Lobster and Olive Garden, and to discuss how local, family-owned restaurants suck and chains rule.

"I hate independents, because all the ones I've been too didn't meet my requirements for portion size," noted one enthusiast. "I really think a bland, microwaved simulacrum of actual seafood is considerably better than going to some jackoff local seafood place that just caught whatever fresh food I'm being served. By the way, I also enjoy eating six meals every day at fast food places because only a few thousand already-dead bovines loaded with E-Coli and Mad Cow get sent into the supply I'm eating, and only a few dozen dollar-an-hour migrant workers fell into the chopping machines after working twenty straight hours!"

"By the way," the enthusiast added, "I forgot for a second that my opinions are astoundingly stupid, so it's pretty unlikely I'd actually have any idea what 'simulacrum' means. Forget I said that. Actually, I just said 'Oog like food! Oog like lots of food! Oog hungry! Give Oog more! RRRRRAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRR!'"

A handful of other enthusiasts eventually chipped in to state more sensible restaurant preferences, though almost no one else mentioned any depression or sadness whatsoever over Miracle Strip being razed by bulldozers next Spring. Some of them, fortunately, did make the time to help continue unfair racial stereotypes by implying that Chinese restaurants put cats in their food.

Said a despondent Crowther, "I always felt ACE was here mainly to preserve historical rides. If a thread on the destruction of a classic family park only succeeds in prompting a frenzied defense of Red Lobster's tastinesss and the size of their butter trough, I guess it's all over."

Reports that Crowther had joined with coaster historian Robert Cartmell and ACE founders Roy Brashears, Richard Munch, and Paul Greenwald to weep bitterly in a darkened room over what ACE was created for and what it was once, compared to what they have seen it become, could not be confirmed.

Jason Burkhett Discovers "Secret Ace Members A-List"
List Links ACE Leadership to Masonic Templars, Jews

The coaster world was rocked yesterday by the uncovering of a top secret, highly guarded ACE members "A-List."

Burkhett, also known as "Rastus O'Ginga" on Usenet news-groups, has long held and publicized his belief that an "A-List" existed.

"This discovery proves correct every post I have ever made on rec.roller-coaster," read a jubilant Burkhett in a prepared statement. "I have said all along that a secret list exists that determines which ACE members are invited to media days at parks and, incidentally, which control the entire world banking system. But I was shocked, shocked to discover that my suspicions only scratched the surface of the cover-up and international conspiracy."

The list, protected by vicious dogs, booby trapped passages, and a giant, living stone statue named "Galnor," was discovered in a musty, candle-lit room twenty levels beneath the castle of ACE Events Director Gary Baker.

In addition to proving an "A-List," Burkhett also claims the documents prove "an incredibly immense conspiracy" concerning Masonic Templars, Jews, and the assasination of JFK.

"Oh, and at the bottom it says that all ACE members are homo," Burkhett added.

Burkhett has further announced that he plans to release an analysis of this information, along with the document itself, in a book titled The Protocols of the Elders of ACE to be self-published this summer.

When asked if he ever considered the possibility that no one ever invited him to a media event or, indeed, anywhere due to his obnoxious and hate-filled posts on the internet, Burkhett replied, "Never for an instant did I suspect that was the case."

The internet, Jews, and Masonic Templars were unavailable as of press time for comment, leading this reporter to be convinced that Burkhett is absolutely correct.


Monday, April 12, 2004

Collect This

If your hobbies include "rollor coasters" and collecting guns, you might be drifting perilously close to being considered for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak award. If your website has very little content, but still makes reference to each of the six game "counsils" you own and adore, even better. Of course, Robert, AKA Flipskater0005, also notes that "I hate school and I think it should die," which pretty much assured him of the honor unless we located a coaster forum topic even more breathtakingly stupid than usual.

Actually, come to think of it, we did locate some pretty stupid forum topics. But we'll hold on to them and make use of them later.

Not that this has anything to do with Robert's enjoyment of Millennium Force or other "rollor coasters," but he also works on some other clever sites, including one that offers minor irritating information about some skateboarding team and an entertainment service that allows people to hire him for work without seeing any proof that he has any credentials of any sort whatsoever.

Stratosphere Planning Jackson-Themed Ride

After the announcement that it would install a Wave Swinger-like ride spinning customers over the edge of the 1,000-foot-tall tower, the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas is already planning its next attraction. Surprisingly, it reportedly will be themed around the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.

In contrast to the other rides atop the tower, the new ride will be decidedly low-tech, with the equipment consisting solely of really big guys dressed up to resemble Michael Jackson. The Giant Jackson Impersonators (the actual job title) will forcibly lift customers up and dangle them over the edge of the tower while inexplicably draping a towel over the riders' eyes. Certain randomly-selected lucky guests will also be molested by the GJIs.

"This new attraction is really pushing the envelope," said Stratosphere spokesman Andy Sadams. "With the randomly-programmed molestation feature, we challenge any other Vegas attraction to meet the level of excitement of this ride."

At press time, Jackson was reportedly considering the Stratosphere's offer, but was waiting to hear whether the casino's requirement that guests be over 18 was strictly enforced on the tower attractions.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Spring Holiday World to Open in 2005

Beginning with the 2005 season, the new Spring Holiday World will open its gates to throngs of worshipful guests, says a representative for the park, David Washington. Spring Holiday World, the first completely new amusement park to open in the U.S. in several years, will "focus on the important Spring holidays that other parks have all but ignored," says Washington. Washington also states that the new park, to be located in Jasper, Indiana, is making no move at all to capitalize on the success of the nearby and much-loved Holiday World, nor to suckle away guests confused about which park they are attempting to visit.

Although work on the park has been in planning for two years, ground work only began a month ago, and some portions of the park remain secret for the time being, as their concepts are fine-tuned. Washington, however, was willing to share a few aspects of Spring Holiday World that guests can already begin looking forward to for next season, as they stew in their own boiling gravy while waiting for four hours in an ucovered line to ride some overly-braked, badly-maintained cloned coaster with single train operation and idiot operators at their local Six Flags:

-Matzoh Ball Run will be a mid-sized wooden coaster designed by S&S/Arrow. The twister will have two trains, and will feature nine drops, a high average speed, and six exciting track passovers. A huge planned attraction in the same section of Spring Holiday World called The Ten Plagues has unfortunately been scaled back due to budgetary constraints, according to Washington, and now will immerse guests only in cattle disease and boils.

-A second, larger wood coaster, also by S&S/Arrow, will be the centerpiece of the Happy Birthday Buddha themed land. Called the Hanamatsunami, the coaster will celebrate the birth of Siddhartha Gautama with several large hills, large bursts of airtime, and a surprise trick-track.

-Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ 4-D will be the ride that many park enthusiasts will most eagerly anticipate, as it promises to "take the multi-sensory experience to Xtreme new levels," according to Washington. Focusing on the extensive scourging of Christ pictured in the Mel Gibson film, the attraction will feature a crisp 3-D picture, live actors, and seats outfitted with a variety of clever tricks that "will help guests literally experience what it would be like to be tortured and cucified." The devices installed in the seats will include air jets, water nozzles, wooden crosses, giant rusty nails, thorns, cat-o'-nine-tails, and the amplified voice of Bill O'Reilly.

-A unique attraction will be Peep Research Land, where guests can view actual scientists as they perform various cruel experiments on Peeps, including microwaving them, subjecting them to alcohol and nicotine, and testing their response to extreme force. "We have no idea why these disgusting, stale bits of faux-marshmallow coater in Day-Glo powdered chemicals are so popular," said Washington. "But we're sure going to capitalize on it."

Food and gaming concessions have not been finalized, said Washington, but will "probably involve some eggs in some fashion." The park has decided upon its mascot however: Mr. Cotonelle Tail, described by Washington as a "vicious minion of the Antichrist in the guise of a cute wittle wabbit."


Friday, April 09, 2004

Geauga Lake Announces "Beaver Land"

With the purchase of the former Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, formerly Six Flags Ohio, formerly Geauga Lake, by Cedar Fair, park patrons and enthusiasts alike expected a substantial makeover to the park by the beginning of this season. Few, however, anticipated a new children's land themed to The Vagina.

"With the opening of our new Beaver Land, we have popped the proverbial cherry of family entertainment themed to the glories of the panty hamster," said park representative Dick N. Cider. "Our centerpiece ride for the new kiddie section, the Beaver Land Mine Ride, is an exciting roller coaster designed especially for youngsters who may not have experienced a coaster before. It will provide many of them with their first taste! And our additional rides are certain to thrust into the imagination of everyone who penetrates into the new section."

Cider's assistant, Mike Ocksmall, then came over to fill reporters up with information about the new attractions to open alongside Beaver Land Mine Ride. According to Ocksmall, a few of the attractions in Beaver Land require minimal retouching since they already have a name or theme that fits perfectly within the theme of the new land. For instance, Ocksmall notes that Happy Harbor, a set of kids' climbing mazes located "on the south side," already has a "completely acceptable name." And the former Dippy Divers will simply have its name changed to "Dippy Muff Divers," since the ride "already features a small submersible that goes down and plunges into a moist environment."

Other rides will include:

-The Missile Silo, an informative "hands-on" attraction where park guests tour a turgid metal shaft and the dark, tight tunnel in which it throbs and pulsates with barely-restrained power.

-The Birth Cannon, a small S&S Space Shot with water elements added.

-The Furry Turtle, a refurbished Traver Turtle ride with mild thematic additions.

-The Vagina Mono-Log, a themed O. D. Hopkins flume ride with cutomized one-person vehicles.

-And finally, the Eye of Sauron, a ride of as-yet-unspecified type based on what Ocksmall calls "really horny, desperate morons who are convinced that the lidless eye of the Dark Lord Sauron from Lord of the Rings is supposed to be a wang sharpener."

"Of course, it isn't just the new rides that will be themed to p**sy," added Cider. "There will also be an exciting new food court where patrons can munch away to their heart's content. The themed comestibles will include Sausage Wallets, Fortune Nookies, DNA Slurpees, Clamburgers, Fur Pies, and Whisker Biscuits. The large new games area will be featuring unique booths such as Garage of Love, The Foofy Bird, Round Mound of Repound, Otter's Pocket, and Jack-in-the-Box."

"Basically," Cider concluded, "this entire area will just totally immerse guests in poontang." However, the representative refused to comment on whether future children's sections of Geauga Lake would be themed to nipples, butts, scrotums, or manroots.


Thursday, April 08, 2004

Memo: Six Flags New Lost Property and Lost Children Policy

Editor's Note: We recently found this memorandum in a dumpster outside Six Flags America.

TO: Six Flags Park Managers

FROM: Associate Director of Guest Satisfaction, Six Flags Theme Parks

Six Flags is excited to welcome visitors for the 2004 Season as our parks open this spring! We are committed to providing a safe and secure environment for our guests, and we are proud to announce that we have hired security-consultant Mr. Nmeosowitz, formerly an Associate Deputy at the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), to further those efforts. After extensive study of TSA policies and how they can be applied to our park, we are proud to announce our new security policies.

Any unattended packages or children will be brought to Happy Village, next to Monkey Island. There, both children and packages will be tested for chemical residue and, if at the end of the day they remain unclaimed, they will be destroyed. We feel this new policy will encourage custodians of property and children to maintain control of their property at all times while at Six Flags Theme Parks.

Please inform your guests of this new policy in accordance with usual procedures and arrange for appropriate disposal of the packages and children.


Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Six Flags Restaurant Boss Won't Stop Believing

Tim Stooker feels like going into work "sucks" now more than ever. He earns his daily bread at the Pink Taco, a Mexican Restaurant in Six Flags St. Louis. Surprisingly, it isn't the mullet sporting, Wal-Mart shopping, child-beating patrons that bother him. It's his boss.

"Stan Hansen got promoted this year and his musical taste sucks," Stooker lamented in an interview with ARN&R. "It would be one thing if he brought in a variety of shitty CDs, but it is always the same one -- Journey's Greatest Hits. If I have to hear 'Open Arms' again I'm going to cut my balls off. I just can't take it anymore."

One of Stooker's co-workers, Allan Scott, agreed. "The dude just keeps pumping the same disc over and over. It is killing me. I never thought I would relish hearing Air Supply or Eddie Money, but I would kill to rock out to 'Two Tickets To Paradise' just once. That would be four minutes of musical bliss. Before, I just thought 'Any Way You Want It' was a good adult film. Now whenever I see Jenna going at it all I can hear is Steve Perry singing, 'Oh, she said, Any way you want it, That's the way you need it, Any way you want it.' That definitely took the fun out of porn for me."

Hansen hasn't caught onto the fact that the people under him don't enjoy the CD quite as much as he does.

"Everyone loves rockin' with Steve Perry, Neal, Jon, Ross and Steve Smith," said an obviously elated Stan. "I have heard 'Lights' countless times and that song still touches my heart, just like I am sure it touches each and every one of these guys who get to cut tomatoes and onions for eight hours a day with a twenty minute break...if we're not understaffed."

Stooker, Scott and others have done everything they can to make the CD "vanish." They admitted it had been stolen three times, but whenever it disappeared Hansen went out to his '85 Mustang, brought in his "Greatest Hits" cassette and bought a new copy of the disc that night.

His co-workers are just happy that he will be out of town for a few days to see Journey on tour at California's Del Mar Fairgrounds on June 13. "No they don't have Steve Perry," Hansen giggled, "but they will still be kicking ass on stage. I know I'll still enjoy listening to 'Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' with my mom."


Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Disaster Transport Wins Best Dark Ride for Coasterbuzz's 2004 Coasters Choice Awards

Coaster forums are still buzzing over Disaster Transport's stunning upset over Islands of Adventure's The Amazing Adventures of Spider Man in the 2004 Coasters Choice awards. The awards, which show absolutely no bias toward Cedar Point or any other midwest located parks, are presented yearly via a live ceremony, webcast from owner Jeff Putz's mother's house. Cedar Point won 8 of the 11 total awards this year, with a Cedar Point fan site even beating out AR&R for "Coaster Site of the Year."

Putz claims the win by Disaster Transport does nothing to discredit the validity of the awards. "Disaster Transport is a very fun dark ride," said Putz, "plus lots of people like to ride it in the summer for the air conditioning. You have to remember that when considering the results. Myself, I found that Spider Man ride kind of boring."

"The Coasters Choice Awards represent the best of amusement parks and rides in America." Putz continued, "That is clear from year to year. I mean, it's not like something totally absurd happened like Kings Island beating Islands of Adventure for Best Theming, for example. Or Cedar Point's godawful food beating Knoebels and Busch Gardens for Best Food. Now THAT would prove my awards are biased."


Monday, April 05, 2004

If You Could Make Your Own Theme Park, What Stupid Things Would You Put in It?

This week's Site O' the Weak is the Young Writer's Club webpage devoted to theme parks. The writers are charged with describing the theme park of their dreams. Heeding the orders to "describe it all in detail," the Young Writers have come up with all sorts of gems, including, but hardly limited to, the following:

-Kandi217 is particularly informative, telling us not once, but twice, that the park should be FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN [edited for length and content].

-Dreama Fowler-Mitchell requests a really fun park that consists of nothing but "[s]hops, shops, and more shops."

-Keta 2005 thoughtfully triple posts no opinion of any sort.

-Nikolecoolkid has very specific ideas on what the park should cost, and has some really unusual park content ideas not at all stolen directly from the board game Candyland. As she would allow "no licking," oral sex is obviously not as welcome at her park as it is at Lake Compounce.

-Ambitious Darkangel, who probably is actually Billy Ray Cyrus or Sinead O' Conner or a member of The Cardigans or something, wants "a place where i could prefom [sic] my unheard music to thousands of fans."

-Billjo, presumbaly an ACE member, informs his readership that "I love going to them parks. My faviort one is kennywood. I go there every year. My faviort rollercoster is the steellphonon. I love there food"

-Treeteen comes up with an idea so spectacular it has to be triple posted: name a thrill ride "YUP...YOUR DEAD....?!!!?"

-Soccerboy has no need to come up with a dream park of his own; it's already been made: "I'm going to talk about six flags of America. It is very fun i'v been thier"

-Bookguy's concept is so stupendous, he posts it nine times: "If i could make my own thrme park i would put the biggest bestest rides in it because i love big rides like the steelphantom i lov that ride so it would diffenetlly be in my theme park. i would have a serf shopp in it i would have icecream stans and lots of other food stands.the cost would be 1.00$ to just get in but it would cost 1.00$ to get on a ride.It would be in my back yard0."

And of course there's more. So much more. Read and enjoy.


Saturday, April 03, 2004

Oakwood Adds Another Coaster You'll Never Ever Ride

Oakwood Leisure Park in Wales recently announced that it would add a new steel coaster that you will never ever ever even come close to riding. The new coaster reportedly is costing the park three million pounds to add to its lineup, presently featuring Megafobia, which you've never had a chance to come anywhere near.

"We're pleased to be able to announce the addition of this Gerstlauer Eurofighter two-inversion coaster. It's pretty much different than anything in the States, and so we're especially happy to be able to mock the U.S. enthusiasts," said spokesman Whitney Duffington. Duffington later called back to add, in what he described as a special message to ARN&R readers, "Neener neener neener."

Inside sources indicate that you will likely see outstanding photos of the coaster that will make you really want to ride it, but that the odds of you actually saving enough money to travel to Wales are approximately 0.0035. The same sources suggest that you are more likely to meet and marry Jessica Alba and/or Ashton Kutcher.

The new coaster will be added to the lengthy list of amazing rides you will never lay eyes on, including that one in South Africa, that CCI in France, and everything in England.