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Spring Holiday World to Open in 2005

Beginning with the 2005 season, the new Spring Holiday World will open its gates to throngs of worshipful guests, says a representative for the park, David Washington. Spring Holiday World, the first completely new amusement park to open in the U.S. in several years, will "focus on the important Spring holidays that other parks have all but ignored," says Washington. Washington also states that the new park, to be located in Jasper, Indiana, is making no move at all to capitalize on the success of the nearby and much-loved Holiday World, nor to suckle away guests confused about which park they are attempting to visit.

Although work on the park has been in planning for two years, ground work only began a month ago, and some portions of the park remain secret for the time being, as their concepts are fine-tuned. Washington, however, was willing to share a few aspects of Spring Holiday World that guests can already begin looking forward to for next season, as they stew in their own boiling gravy while waiting for four hours in an ucovered line to ride some overly-braked, badly-maintained cloned coaster with single train operation and idiot operators at their local Six Flags:

-Matzoh Ball Run will be a mid-sized wooden coaster designed by S&S/Arrow. The twister will have two trains, and will feature nine drops, a high average speed, and six exciting track passovers. A huge planned attraction in the same section of Spring Holiday World called The Ten Plagues has unfortunately been scaled back due to budgetary constraints, according to Washington, and now will immerse guests only in cattle disease and boils.

-A second, larger wood coaster, also by S&S/Arrow, will be the centerpiece of the Happy Birthday Buddha themed land. Called the Hanamatsunami, the coaster will celebrate the birth of Siddhartha Gautama with several large hills, large bursts of airtime, and a surprise trick-track.

-Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ 4-D will be the ride that many park enthusiasts will most eagerly anticipate, as it promises to "take the multi-sensory experience to Xtreme new levels," according to Washington. Focusing on the extensive scourging of Christ pictured in the Mel Gibson film, the attraction will feature a crisp 3-D picture, live actors, and seats outfitted with a variety of clever tricks that "will help guests literally experience what it would be like to be tortured and cucified." The devices installed in the seats will include air jets, water nozzles, wooden crosses, giant rusty nails, thorns, cat-o'-nine-tails, and the amplified voice of Bill O'Reilly.

-A unique attraction will be Peep Research Land, where guests can view actual scientists as they perform various cruel experiments on Peeps, including microwaving them, subjecting them to alcohol and nicotine, and testing their response to extreme force. "We have no idea why these disgusting, stale bits of faux-marshmallow coater in Day-Glo powdered chemicals are so popular," said Washington. "But we're sure going to capitalize on it."

Food and gaming concessions have not been finalized, said Washington, but will "probably involve some eggs in some fashion." The park has decided upon its mascot however: Mr. Cotonelle Tail, described by Washington as a "vicious minion of the Antichrist in the guise of a cute wittle wabbit."

--JCK