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Moron Can't Wait for IOA Ride to Open

Many fans of Universal's Islands of Adventure theme park have been overjoyed by news that the park's long-delayed Sylvester McMonkey McBean's Very Unusual Driving Machines family attraction will finally soon be opened to the public. However, few could possibly be as thrilled as area moron George Burnsides, 14, a junior high school student who enjoys spitting on people from elevated locations.

The Driving Machines, announced as one of the park's original Seuss Landing rides and constructed in time for IOA's grand opening, never took on passengers and remained unused for the past several years. In recent weeks, word has leaked that a new transportation system and vehicles had been designed for the attraction, which would open shortly as the High-In-The-Sky Seuss-Trolley-Train-Ride.

The ride may have changed names, it may have changed vehicle designs, and the track may now be constructed differently from how it was originally envisioned, but one thing hasn't changed: the fact that the ride is an excellent platform from which idiots can spit or discharge other bodily wastes on unsuspecting park guests below them. People like area moron George Burnsides, for example.

"I can't wait," said Burnsides, fairly vibrating with pleasure at the thought of spitting on people's heads and making a thorough jackass of himself. "There's nothing more fun than hocking a good loogie on someone, especially if you're high enough up that it achieves terminal velocity and makes that awesome splattering sound when it smacks into their head," he said, using sentence structure and words highly unlikely for a fourteen-year-old moron.

Burnsides added that he had been spitting at people for years, usually off bridges and out of balconies, occasionally off a coaster lift hill here and there, but that the new IOA ride would offer "incredible opportunities" for him to be a complete prick and douse people with his saliva, not to mention provide a relaxing and fun tour of most of Suess Landing. The moron noted that it would be "the best day of [his] life" if he were to discover that the ride traveled near any restaurants or food stands, since he could soil patrons' meals with his expectorate.

"It will be an immersive experience for everyone," he added. "I will be immersed in spectacular whimsical delights in the form of intense Sneech theming, while other guests will be immersed in my filthy and unsanitary bodily fluids."

--JCK