Monday, September 06, 2004

Legoland California Receives Unexpected Units

Tim Johanson, Legoland California’s General Manager, wasn’t sure what to make of his most recent shipment. Monday morning, his park got a truckload full of gigantic dildos. They were plastic penises of all sizes, some with balls and some with a simple shaft.

“I have never seen anything quite like a 4-foot penis,” Johanson said as he stood in awe. “I mean, that is just one gigantic pecker. Jesus, that’s big.”

After returning to his office Johanson tracked down the mix-up. In May he ordered additional theming supplies for the park’s new Dino Island section. The exhibit was to be called Dino-Rama, but apparently some sloppy note taking resulted in the arrival of sex apparel for a new Dildo-Rama section.

Tina Adams, one of the proprietors of Good Vibrations, a nationally known adult toy store, said she felt the order was a bit odd when she got the call from Roger Roberts, the head of the consulting group brought in by LegoLand. “I was wondering why a guy would call and talk about theming with me, but an order is an order. I can build dildos any size a customer needs. We just never thought we would mold a penis fit for Queen Kong. I thought about asking someone if we were doing the right thing, but since Southern California is the porn capital of the country I thought they were building a new kind of theme park.”

Back at Legoland Johanson tried to fit the dildos into the scenery. “We used them as palm trees, we made them into warriors’ spears and even created a stegosaurus out of dildos. Sure, it was fun to see kids playing on the ‘Dildosaurus’ but some of the parents got apprehensive. I guess they just don’t think a child speeding down a 10-foot dong is good wholesome fun. It’s not like they were in any danger -- the balls gently stopped the kids at the bottom of the slide.”

One of the most ingenious applications was turning an ejaculating penis into a Whitewater West Rain Fortress, but the park had to take it out because it only “poured water” once every few hours on a good day.

Despite the bizarre application the large one-eyed trouser snakes got some kudos from the amusement industry. The park won a Golden Ticket Award for “Best Use Of A Choad” and insightful industry veteran Paul Ruben called the display “simply breathtaking.”

Johanson looks forward to future installations but says he will watch over things with a closer eye. “I think we’ll have to be a little more careful with 2005’s new planned 4-d show ‘Fun With Felines,’” the tired GM said.