Sunday, July 27, 2003

Coaster Enthusiasts Witness Most Disgusting Thing Ever

Two members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts yesterday witnessed the single most repulsive thing ever in the history of the human race, sources tell ARN&R. According to eyewitnesses, a man...or perhaps a Cro-Magnon relic or Orc...attempting to board the Gwazi Lion at Busch Gardens Tampa is indeed the pinnacle of yuckitude produced as of yet on this planet.

Said ACE member James Langenkirk, 31, "Darren and I were just minding our own business, wallowing and festering in the 110-degree, 98-percent humidity of the Gwazi Lion line, waiting for the world's slowest ride ops to leisurely check each belt, then leisurely check each bar, then leisurely go have a nice dinner and take a nice big dump, then leisurely wander over to dispatch the trains, when I saw the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed. And I grew up in rural Alabama, so, trust me, I am damn well qualified to speak on horrible things. This...person...came in and..." Here Langenkirk waved his hands in the air, unable to find the words to fully describe the suffering and terror he endured.

His traveling companion Darren Carson, 52, then chimed in. "James alerted me to the unholy monstrosity, and I wish to God he hadn't. We looked over and there was this 350-pound guy with long, stringy, greasy hair and scabby arms and open, weeping sores on his mouth trying to ooze his Orca-like bulk into the Lion train. It was all I could do not to gag right then and there, but then James pointed out his T-shirt, which said 'PETTING ZOO' and had a huge arrow pointing down at his crotch. Oh, the humanity."

Carson added, "excuse me, but I need to run to those bushes over there. Just talking about it is gonna make me puke."

While Carson was busy with his copious vomiting, Langenkirk told ARN&R that his friend had "screamed like a little girl" in terror when he saw the T-shirt, and it had taken paramedics fourteen minutes to revive him with smelling salts and intravenous fluids after he passed out. Carson refused to confirm or deny these statements, claiming that he "sort of blanked most of the day out after it happened."

The disgusting guy on Gwazi Lion told ARN&R that he planned to arrive at the park the next day with a T-shirt that says "How about a 68 position? That means you do me and I owe you 1!" Upon overhearing this unfortunate news, Carson resumed his explosive ralphing.

Intamin In Negotiations To Purchase Kia Motors

Swiss thrill ride manufacturer, Intamin AG, has recently been negotiating with Hyundai Motors to purchase Korean automobile manufacturer, Kia Motors, a subsidiary of Hyundai. Intamin hopes to acquire Kia in order to diversify their product portfolio, which currently includes roller coasters, water rides, spinning flat rides and an electronics department dedicated to supplying, configuring and servicing the control systems that operate those rides. Intamin also hopes that sharing technologies between the two companies will help both companies to grow exponentially into bigger, even more successful, corporations.

Here is what Sandor Kernacs, president of Intamin, had to say to ARN&R about Intamin's proposed acquisition during a recent exclusive interview:

"We don't want all of Intamin's chickens to be in one cradle. In this day and age, heterogeneity is the key to success and prosperity. We here at Intamin truly believe that diversifying our product offerings and adding commodities with proven records of high quality and extreme reliability to our portfolio will only enhance our presence in the world marketplace. It's clearly a win-win situation for Intamin and for Kia."

Kernacs went on to discuss some striking similarities between the two successful companies. He keenly noted how any major new Intamin roller coaster installation is just as reliable as any brand new Kia automobile. He also noted that the technology and parts used to manufacture an automatic transmission for a Kia Spectra are exactly the same parts that were used to construct the hydraulic launch mechanism for Intamin's Top Thrill Dragster roller coaster at Cedar Point. Kernacs further noted that all of both companies' products come with a ten year/100,000 mile bumper-to-bumper warranty and three year/36,000 mile unlimited roadside assistance. Finally, Kernacs very astutely pointed out that the only two vowels in Kia are 'i' and 'a', and the only two vowels in Intamin are 'i' and 'a'.

Intamin expects to make a formal offer for Kia Motors within the next several weeks. In the meantime, in order to avoid having "all of Intamin's chickens in one cradle," the company is exploring other tantalizing takeover opportunities including plans to purchase telecommunications giant, MCI/Worldcom and Major League Baseball team, The Detroit Tigers, both proven winners according to Kernacs.