Thursday, September 30, 2004

Relentless Protests Greet Kingda Ka Announcement

According to Six Flags Great Adventure representatives, all they wanted for next season was to open a blatant copy of another ride that works about ten percent of the time, except make it a little higher and give it shoulder restraints to make it excrutiatingly painful. They thought they had found that with Intamin's Kingda Ka, but SFGRAD has been deluged with a monumental storm of protest over the ride's name.

"It's bad enough that all these stupid coaster enthusiasts are already bitching that our new coaster will cause foot-deep bruises in their collarbones," said park rep Joseph Stallworth. "Now we're getting all sorts of other complaints just about the name of the ride!"

Among the protestors are various religious and cultural groups. Hindus have made known their displeasure with the inclusion of the word "Ka" in the ride's name, as "Ka," aside from being a word one can use to describe what cannot be properly described or expressed, is also the name of the Hindu god Brahma in one of his forms.

"They also complained that the only restaurant we planned to have open anywhere near the ride was our new Hindu-themed beef-on-a-stick place," Stallworth added. "What's up with that?"

Ancient Egyptians have also stepped forward to announce their disapproval. "The ka is a spirit double inside each person from the time they are born," said noteworthy former pharaoh Maatkara Hatshepsut. "Gods could possess them and offerings were made to them after the death of their host bodies. An amusement park that cheapens the meaning of the term 'ka' is just asking for a deadly curse. Don't f*** with the pharaoh, bitches."

Additionally, a group called the Dayton Area Korean Association (DAKA) sent several members to complain that Six Flags had stolen the name of their organization's leader. "I don't know about that one," said Stallworth. "I strongly doubt that an elected office-holder for a small organization is known as 'King' DAKA to anyone. 'President' or 'Chairman' or 'Bob' all seem more likely."

DAKA noted that it would continue to feature a webpage with an irritating pink "Welcome" traveling cursor until their message was heard by Six Flags officials.

Finally, Jiangyan City Kingda Co., Ltd. sent a letter informing Six Flags of its intention to file suit over a trademark infringement on its name. In a statement clearly drawn up by the Kingda Company's employee responsible for creating its online advertisement (featuring such information as "[o]ur factory is product needle roller bearings series, our quatity control system is is o9002. We coprate with college and technologic unit, well equipped with superior production equipment, perfect checkup and testing method."), Kingda Company notes that "Sex Flug useing are nem ill eagley we willtak yo to curt unit!"

Stallworth admitted that officials from both Six Flags, Inc., as well as from Great Adventure itself, would be holding emergency discussions about Kingda Ka and the protests early tomorrow morning. Although Stallworth refused to comment directly on the matter to ARN&R , there has been some speculation that the park will seek to stave off the massive wave of bad publicity and possible legal action by changing the name of the ride, in spite of any costs this might incur. Please stay tuned to ARN&R, as we will report on any further breaking Kingda Ka news as it develops.

--JCK/Grand Poobah
10 Month-Old Consultant Impresses Six Flags Board

In his tapioca-stained Elmo underoos, Chance Dixon, Jr. could pass for any other toddler. But when he crawls into the Six Flags boardroom...things are a little different.

Dixon’s capital expenditure choices continue to create waves. Widely credited for inspiring Hurricane Harbor by drooling on a Great America brochure, he seems to top himself with every move.

“Kingda Ka was the perfect name for our latest coaster!” raved Kieran Burke, pausing to check the tape on his own adult-sized diaper. “And the family attractions BlaLaLaa, Pfffffffft and Uh-oh Poopy will be sure-fire smash hits as well.”

“Hell, we don’t even know what rides they’ll be yet,” he continued, spoon-scraping strained peas from his own lower lip back into his mouth. “But we’ll toss a few manufacturer’s catalogs in front of him and uh, let the oddly moist Cheerios fall where they may.”

“Ooh!” continued Burke after grunting heavily. “I made a solid one this time!”