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Nine Billion Wild Adventures Signs All Fail to Mention Park's Coasters Shut Down During Slightest Drizzle

Coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 31, was "unbelievably pissed" and "full of boiling hatred for" Wild Adventures Theme Park this weekend.

"I can't believe this f**king place," snarled James, spittle flying out of his mouth. "I drove hours out of my way to go to this stupid park, since they added about four coasters since my last visit, and subjected myself to the univiting landscape of Southern Georgia and Northern Florida, not to mention at least eight gatrillion insipid South-of-the-Border-like billboard ads for the park. And then I pull up to the gates, and what do I see? Not coasters running, I'll tell you that much!"

James noted that, while the park advertises itself as an amazing thrill park, they shut down every single coaster in the park due to weather conditions, which consisted of a terrifying light sprinkle and a horrifying cool breeze.

James went on: "None of the fifty trillion stupid Wild Adventures billboards mentioned that the park would close down at the slightest hint of a relative humidity over 20%. And their imbecilic radio station also failed to mention that they're big, fat p**sies who are terrified of a light mist. Don't they know it's safe to run coasters in a slight drizzle? They were running all the stupid flat rides, which, for some reason, must be safe. Of course, they sure didn't mind charging full parking and admission so dumbass people could go inside and sit on the Ferris Wheel and watch whatever idiotic shows are indoors."

James further noted that "also, the woman at Guest Services I politely called from the parking lot to see if any coasters might actually run under any circumstance that day was a rude bitch. I certainly did not pay for parking or admission, and instead drove the f**k home. Hope they don't expect to see my ass at their dumb park again."

James concluded by stating a moderately strong desire for Wild Adventures to "cram Cheetah up its ass." Officials for the amusement park, located outside of gorgeous, scenic, cultural, and not-at-all-filled-with-Deliverance-extras Valdosta, Georgia, refused to comment.

--JCK