Friday, August 18, 2006

Chicago Bears Blame Pathetic Preseason Camp On Six Flags Great America

The Chicago Bears broke from one of the most lackluster preseason camps in recent memory this week, and head coach Lovie Smith knew exactly where to lay the blame. “It’s all because of Six Flags Great America,” Smith told the media Thursday. “That’s the main reason things went so sour.”

The Bears’ main concern was the downright spastic play of starting quarterback Rex Grossman, which Smith attributes to fatigue. According to sources close to the team, Grossman has been surviving on less than two hours of sleep a night, spending most of his free time scouring coaster forums in search of rumors about a possible floorless coaster for the Gurnee park in 2007.

“Leave me alone,” said a taciturn Grossman leaving the Bears camp in Bourbonnais, Illinois. “I’ve got to go watch some game film…or something…” Grossman then proceeded to fumble the keys to his car twice and break his right wrist while attempting to swat a fly.

“Sure, we’ve been decimated by injuries so far this year, most, if not all, caused in some way by Six Flags,” Smith said. “But I’m not worried. Wait and see what happens to the Broncos when Elitch Gardens gets bulldozed for a shopping complex.”

ARN&R has compiled a partial list of the Bears’ injury woes, and their amusement park connections:

• Defensive tackle Dusty Dvoracek: right foot stress fracture from standing in place for six hours straight waiting for Déjà Vu to open on August 10th;

• Safety Mike Brown: torn Achilles tendon caused by attempting to hover over a urine and feces splattered toilet seat without touching in the park’s Hometown Square section;

• Cornerback Nathan Vasher: strained back muscles from eight continuous August 5th re-rides on the park’s rapidly deteriorating American Eagle;

• Assistant linebacker coach Jesse Bormet: outbreak of diphtheria from the park’s Loggers’ Run flume ride, July 29th; and

• Running back Cedric Benson: Dislocated shoulder caused by reaching for wallet to pay for a nine dollar hamburger.

In other Chicago sports news, rumors are running rampant that the Chicago White Sox’s two consecutive losses to the little league-caliber Kansas City Royals were the result of players' distraction at an upcoming trip to Kentucky Kingdom.

“I don’ know where you getting this idea,” said Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. “Greezed Lightnin’ been berry, berry good to me.”