Monday, May 12, 2003

Horrified Enthusiast Realizes Ozark Wildcat is Actual Roller Coaster

Hyperventilating with shock and outrage today, ACE member Willy Bobokins, 32, realized that the Ozark Wildcat attraction opening this spring at Celebration City is an actual functioning wood coaster. Bobokins joined the swelling ranks of ticked-off enthusiasts who aren't getting quite what they hoped for at the new amusement park.

"I'm pissed off," elaborated the unemployed dog catcher. "I got to attend a sneak preview at the park, but was horrified to learn what the new ride would be. I mean, I was expecting that maybe I would wait in line for six hours to experience an attraction that would shoot me up one big hill at 110 miles per hour and then be over about a second later. Or maybe I could wait four hours to ride something that blasted me back and forth really fast until I got sick. Or, better yet, I would have waited three days through copious technical troubles to get on some concoction that spun the coaster seats around really fast while the cars were negotiating a 200-foot dive."

Bobokins stated that "I was expecting something ridiculous and new. I don't ride anything that doesn't have some stupid gimmick. The ride better be over in three seconds, or possibly have such problems with all its spinning and bouncing mechanisms as to only be open about three minutes every other month. Deja Vu and Flashback are my idea of real rides, man. But stupid Celebration City went out and got a respected wood design firm to build a creative, fun, medium-sized woodie with lots of speed, some airtime, great direction changes, smooth tracking, and classic spiral drops for about one hundreth the cost of some big launched spinning gizmo that breaks down all the time. In other words, Celebration City bought an actual roller coaster. Boy does this park &$%#ing suck."

Bobokins also informed ARN&R that he thought Superman: The Ride of Steel would be way better with some loops, Holiday World blows because they don't have any big steel coasters, a Premier launched shuttle loop would have been a better use of the space wasted by Shivering Timbers, and the Beast is a great coaster with lots of airtime.