Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Redneck Parks Square Off on Springer

On today’s Jerry Springer show, titled “I’m in a Bizarre Love Triangle With My Uncle and Cousin,” small redneck amusement parks Lake Winnepesaukah and Conneaut Lake were the featured guests. Observers of the show rated the episode one of the best in Springer history for its substantial amount of cat fighting, trash talk, and shocking gross-out moments.

The segment began with Lake Winnepesaukah confessing the forbidden love it was sharing with Conneaut Lake. “We first cousins, so we had to sneak out behind our mommas backs ever since we was 12 to go (obscenity) out back of the outhouse down the block. Now I’m here to tell momma and the whole world about our love and if they don’t like it they can (obscenity) theyselfs.” At this, the audience broke into a rambunctious chant of “Incest whore! Incest whore!” after which Lake Winnie yelled to them, “you best talk to the hand, you best talk to the hand! You all don’t know me. You just jealous cause you don’t get to (obscenity) none of this (obscenity).” Lake Winnie then dropped its pants before a booing and laughing crowd before being gently led to its seat by Springer bodyguard Steve.

Following the commercial break, Conneaut Lake came on the set and engaged in grotesque tongue kissing and body rubbing with Lake Winnie. After the pair sat down, revelations began. Although Lake Winnie thought the pair was appearing on the show to confess their incestuous love, Conneaut Lake had brought Winnie on to announce that it was also having sex with Visionland. “Oh, sick!” yelled Winnie. “That you uncle! You (several obscenities) my daddy, you sick (really awful obscenity)? You (obscenity) uncle (obscenity)!” Winnie immediately gave a vicious pimp slap to Conneaut Lake, who responded by ripping Lake Winnie’s shirt off and pulling its hair. Steve was forced to drag the two apart with help from two other guards.

The love triangle grew more sordid with the introduction of Visionland, who, after fighting off a slap assault by Lake Winnepesaukah, told Conneaut Lake that it was “tired of (obscenity) its fat (obscenity) and it had a saggy, stupid ass and was a white trash (obscenity).” Visionland then went backstage and brought out its 11-year-old daughter Old Town, whom it proposed to onstage and gave a sloppy tongue kiss as Old Town ran its fingers through Visionland’s luxuriant mullet.

A total free-for-all of fighting and (almost completely bleeped) screaming consumed the remaining three minutes of show time. Springer concluded the show with pithy words of wisdom: “We all face our lives in different ways. Although some of us may not understand a trashy amusement park marrying its daughter or loving its uncle right, these are just different ways of expressing devotion. We can only hope that such incestuous displays don’t continue the cycle of anger and violence these parks seem to feel, and that they can come to grips with these events and move on with their seasons. Take care of yourselves and each other. Thank you.”