Friday, May 30, 2003

Breaking News: Coasterbuzz Member Patiently Awaits Hot Date

We at ARN&R are pleased to announce the blossoming of young love on the internet, specifically at Coasterbuzz (where else?). A presumably young enthusiast named Alexander took the unusual step this week of asking, on an open forum, a girl enthusiast's mother to put the two of them in touch online. Snickering this pronounced and snorty has seldom graced the hallowed marble hallways of either the American Coaster Enthusiasts World Headquarters or the AbsolutelyReliable Mansion.

Alexander’s desperate and slightly stalkerish behavior was put into motion by this week's presentation of the new Discovery reality show Thrill Rides: Put to the Test. The presumably (and hopefully) young enthusiast developed a not-entirely-unexpected crush on the blonde, cursing teenager from Ohio. To his breathless and unexpected delight, Alexander, then discovered that both the girl’s mother and her riding partner from the show are regular Coasterbuzz forum participants.

A spectacular and brilliant plan formed in his mind. He would boldly scam on the pretty young lass by posting a helpful message to her mother at Coasterbuzz, the first choice of suave Don Juans across the world.

"[H]ave your daughter e-mail me sometime," he helpfully suggested. "Im [sic] a teen Ohio coaster nut too. My address is in my profile."

The young fellow elsewhere brags of the fact that he posted over a thousand messages on the Thrillride! forums (which he oddly, and fictionally, identifies as operating as far back as 1998) -- an attractive feature to any girl, no doubt.

"This is a most unusual method of obtaining a date," said noted sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. "In all my dozens of years, I have never before seen someone so desperate and freakish as to attempt to hit on a young lady in this fashion. The awesome desperation and utter disregard for humiliation it takes to see a young lady on TV, never meet her, and then send a poorly edited post on a substantially-read open forum, requesting the girl’s mother pass along his sexy stats...what a dork."

The girl from the show was unavailable for comment on the touching romantic display from her stalker, but ARN&R presumes most of it would have been unprintable anyway.


Ed. Note: The subject of this story informed ARN&R that we (along with every single CoasterBuzz reader of his posting) had misinterpreted his intentions. He states that his intention was to invite the Ohio teenager to an event at Cedar Point. He also noted that he has a girlfriend whom he adores.
Ticked Off Enthusiast Misled By Movie

This past weekend, coaster enthusiast Anthony Montana got really ticked off, according to witnesses. Apparently, the self-described "coaster master" felt betrayed and confused by the recent movie A Mighty Wind.

Montana's confusion apparently stemmed from a scene in the movie that showed a huge roller coaster called Whiplash, supposedly located at an amusement park in Tallahassee, Florida. Montana's best friend, Manny Rodriguez, laughed as he related to ARN&R how excited Montana was to fly to the Florida state capitol on short notice and at great expense, just so he could be one of the first riders to experience the majestic splendor of Whiplash. "I kept telling that dumbass that there is no park in Tallahassee, and that the coaster in the film looked like it was Six Flags Magic Mountain’s Deja Vu with a new name plastered on it, but he wasn’t listening. What a moron."

Upon arriving at the gloriously huge and modern Tallahassee airport, Montana encountered great difficulty in getting someone to show him how to get to the amusement park in town. "Everybody kept claiming there wasn’t one, or told me I was stupid. Why wouldn’t the people in this town be aware of a big new ride like Whiplash right in their backyard? It's a wonder the stupid place stays open, with fools like this living around here." After unsuccessfully searching for the coaster for two full days, Montana took in all the sights of 'Hassee, which basically consist of a nice restaurant called Cool Beans, a state capitol that looks like giant male genitals, loads of dirt, some rednecks, and plenty of drunk frat boy date rapists.

Leaving the city without ever having ridden Whiplash, Montana sneered out the window of his plane and gave the city of Tallahassee the middle finger while yelling out: "Say 'ello to my little friend!"