Wednesday, August 27, 2003

American Coaster Enthusiast General Store to Offer Portraits

Continuing its bold expansion, which has recently included muumuuus and themed bedroom toys, the American Coaster Enthusiast Online General Store has just announced that it will be offering portraits of enthusiasts with their favorite coaster designers in the next couple of weeks.

"As always, ACE is ever striving to make the experience of being in our mighty organization all the more sumptious," purred ACE Almighty Benevolent Supreme Pasha, Air Marshall, and P-Funk All-Star Carole Sanderson. "Since we can't get our magazines out on time or get the details of the Fall Conference straight before it's actually happened, we felt like continuing to improve our product line was the way to go."

Sanderson continued: "After seeing the wonderful website where this woman takes scary photographs of inbred hillbillies and then paints a portrait of those people with Stevie Nicks, we knew we'd discovered the perfect new thing for ACE. Instead of having pathetic degenerates send their pictures in so they can be painted into an alarming composition with Stevie Nicks, they will send their onboard ride photos in, and the bozo sitting next to them will be replaced in the wonderful artwork by Werner Stengel, Herb Schmeck, Ron Toomer, or the entire Gravity Group. I hope they have Charles Dinn. He's so dreamy, and The Beast really is the bestest, most airtime-filled ride ever created."

"This is great!" exclaimed ACer Ted Baldknobber, 40. "I've always admired Werner Stengel, and I couldn't think of the appropriate way of showing this adoration. Now I know I can get a gorgeous art installation like 'Kim and Stevie' or 'Jon and Stevie' from the portrait website. And maybe I can get LaMarcus Thompson and myself on a tambourine or even tattoed on my ass."

"My life had no meaning whatsoever until I viewed the spectacular painting of 'Stevie and Tracy,' said ACE member Marty Feldman, 36. "Now I know that I can have Dennis McNulty riding beside me on Boulderdash forever. Although I wonder if we could leave Stevie and Tracy in the seat behind us for my painting. Seeing two women that hot and sexy and that close always gets my mind racing, you know?"

Sales of the Designer Paintings will begin on approximately September 3rd, the Almighty Benevolent Supreme Pasha told ARN&R.


Report: HersheyPark Pops MTV Video Music Awards Winner

With the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards set to air tomorrow night, rumors have been flying about the likely winners. From betting pools to water cooler discussions, nothing is more important to any U.S. citizen than the winner of the awards. "I, like, heard that Justin Timberlake will win!" exclaimed fourteen-year-old Ashlee Gorms, interviewed outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.

But the actual winners' names are kept under lock and key, and all those rumors have just been rumors.

Until now.

ARN&R can exclusively report that the wildly successful HersheyPark Pops orchestra will win at least the Best Male Video prize, and possibly the Best Female Video and Best Group Video awards as well. After a bizarre rash of disqualifications, based generally on the other performers' intensely painful venereal diseases preventing their appearance at the show, the Pops will be added as last-minute nominees approximately an hour before the broadcast will begin.

The Pops' rousing performance of the theme to Star Wars will be the winning song. The Star Wars video, which has rapidly gained near-constant airplay on MTV, MTV-2, and VH-1, consists of a quickly-edited combination of the videotape taken by three tourists visiting on a hot Saturday afternoon along with solos performed by a violist standing in front of a life-size Darth Vader cutout.

"Awesome!" said Gorms when told of the orchestra's likely win. "That video totally rocks! But I don't know why they couldn't edit out that idiot yelling 'More up-bows!' He was a jerk."