Friday, July 25, 2003

Enthusiast Disease Discovered, Named

The Journal of the American Medical Association published the results of a study that identifies and, for the first time, names a newly-discovered disease afflicting many in the coaster enthusiast community.

Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III of the Mayo Clinic has studied social disorders for the past several years, doing much of his field studies at ACE events.

"Font of Useless Knowledge Syndrome," or "FUKS," is a disease that strikes certain areas of the population, rendering them socially intolerable.

"What we have here is a classic case of someone knowing so many details about a trivial matter that they cannot cope with normal people not knowing what they consider obvious facts." explains Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "The advent of the Internet seems to have allowed this syndrome to thrive." Symptoms include acne, pale skin, and the inability to spell the word 'definitely.' FUKS severely hampers social skills in its victims, rendering them incapable of basic social graces such as introducing themselves with real names, shaking hands without drooling, and speaking without using acronyms repeatedly in their sentences.

Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III has developed a six-week treatment program to counteract this terrible affliction. "First, we encourage our patients to engage in conversations about things like the weather. We deny them Internet access and forbid message board and instant-messaging capability. A remedial dating class, successful in treating developmentally challenged people, has proved successful in treating FUKS sufferers as well. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to see that these people get a f*cking life."