Friday, January 30, 2004

New Club Formed for Nobel Prize-Winning Coaster Fans

The world is heavily laden with coaster enthusiast clubs, from the European Coaster Club to the Coaster Zombies to the largest group with the most abusive secretary, the American Coaster Enthusiasts.

However, until this point, there was no coaster club which catered specifically to Nobel Laureates in the field of literature. This glaring error was rectified by the recent creation of the Conglomerate for Roller Coaster Enthusiasts Who Have Won Nobel Prizes in Literature.

To gain entry into this club, coaster enthusiasts must pass the standard tests that would enable them to join any coaster club: they must maintain intricate lists about what their favorite kiddie suspended coaster is to ride on a rainy day in the fifth seat on the left, have a poor knowledge of how to please a member of the opposite sex, and maintain the ability to say "I want a monster woodie" without the slightest hint that it will make everyone around them laugh uncontrollably. However, what makes the CRCEWHWNPL so exclusive is that the members must have all won a Nobel Prize in Literature.

"Members of our club are able to share their common interests," notes recent Nobel winner John Maxwell Coetzee. "We get together for think tanks, and discuss works of art and poetry. Then we yell our asses off riding Magnum and dive face-first into the pork barbecue!"

But the highlight of the club, say most Nobel Laureate coaster fans, is their spectacular online forum, the Weepy Teen Angt Coaster Fan Poetry Symposium for Nobel-Winning Coaster Dudez.

"Where else can the world's greatest poets and novelists get together to share their beautiful words with each other in a mutually beneficial setting?" asked Kenzaburo Oe rhetorically. "We've had some beautiful sad poetry by Octavio Paz, who posts as Coaster Pimp. And then there are some gorgeous efforts from Joseph Brodsky (Disney Dan), Gabriel Garcia Marquez (cole), Elias Canetti (Xceleratorman14)and balroq, who I believe is Wole Soyinka."

"And we have something from Imre Kertesz (icoaster) that might win him another Nobel Prize," added Oe. "It's called my ultimate struggle, and it's all about the torture this character feels because he likes to jack it hard to porn."

"I almost wet my pants, that was so f***in' good," said Oe.

"However," said Oe. "We have some members who obviously think the poetry being traded on these Nobel coaster enthusiast forums is really stupid and pathetic. We've got some real jokers like Claude Simon (Alpenguy) and Seamus Heany (theirishdude05), who make up poems clearly intended to mock the weepy, amateur poetic efforts of their peers, as well as that wacky-ass prankster Naguib Mahfouz, who I am fairly certain is posting as seitanic, G-Rocks, aznspid3rman, enfynet, SFMWManic, and JulieBoolie just so he can write his special "read only the far left margin vertically" poetry all over page 1, page 2, page 3, and page 4, and poke fun the deeply profound and important works being regurgitated forth by the serious members of the Nobel forum, none of whom ever seem to get the joke."

"I would have thought that these great works of literature, being created from the depths of the human soul and experience, and being shared on this forum for peer evaluation by the great minds in the world of literature/coasters would be above this sort of behavior. But I guess these Nobel Laureates never change, do they?"