Saturday, May 06, 2006

Manhattan Express to Receive New Trains

Wild speculation has run rampant on the internet that the horrifically rough TOGO looper Manhattan Express, located on top of and around the New York, New York casino in Las Vegas, might soon be receiving new trains. ARN&R is happy to confirm these rumors as true, following a discussion with a completely untrustworthy source.

Manhattan Express will run as normal until this July 12th; at that point the coaster will be shut down for a period of approximately two weeks as the maintenance staff tests the new vehicles.

"Everyone thinks the Manhattan Express is a great ride with a great layout," said the source. "And its height and the interaction with the building make it a notable landmark on the Vegas skyline. However, the one complaint often made is that the trains are very rough and brutal, of the type that some call "headbangers" or "pieces of shit." New York, New York has listened to those complaints and will be introducing spectacular, far more comfortable trains very soon."

The chief problem with the current trains is with the restraint system, which tends to both compress the spine and box the ears of riders. No more with the soon-to-be-delivered trains. Instead of the unwieldy lapbars and shoulder restraints currently in use, the new vehicles will feature a space-age, ingenious new system. Passengers will be held in place by thick, unlubricated, fourteen-inch-long splintered wood poles thrust into their anuses, rusty fishhooks gigged through their ears, electrified clamps attached to their nipples, and rabid, starving Dobermans chomping on their wrists, legs, and testicles (where applicable).

Preliminary estimates by the casino suggest that the new, improved trains will result in a 55% reduction in complaints and a 34% increase in rerides compared to the old, more uncomfortable ones.