Friday, February 04, 2005

Disney Gay Day Opponent Plots Expansion of Protests in 2005

Gay Days, events designed for homosexuals, lesbians, and their friends and families to spend time together in a supportive and open environment, have become a yearly ritual at many of the nation's large theme parks. Also a yearly ritual is the appearance at these events of hordes of fundamentalist Christians with endless time and money on their hands. Gay Days are where these folks show the infinite mercy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by spewing venom and hatred at others. Planning for this veritable orgy of cruelty and viciousness is always on the minds of religious organizers, but it really begins in earnest around February.

However, this year, conservative Christians plan to branch out from their gay-bashing at parks like Disney World's Magic Kingdom and Universal Studios, and loudly decry the evil deeds of all sinners turning their backs on the Bible.

"We always enjoy our time screaming and threatening violence at these homo abominations at Disney," said protestor Jeb Ziegehodensackesser, 40. "After all, it says in Leviticus 18:22 that you aren't supposed to lie with men, and that's certainly not open to any discussion of interpretation. But some of us decided this year we'd actually take five or ten minutes and read some of this here 'bible' thing we had sitting around our houses, instead of just picking out a couple of completely random verses out of context to justify our hatred and prejudice, and shit far if we didn't find all sorts of crazy shit in there! Our protests haven't covered nearly enough sinful activity!"

Ziegehodensackesser elaborated further on the new expanded focus of right-wing efforts at Gay Days: "We've always said we take the Bible literally. So we still condemn homos. But we just now realized that Leviticus 19:27 says that no man shall round off the hair at his temples or trim his beard, and that Leviticus 19:19 says you can't wear clothing made of two kinds of fabric, so we condemn these people as well. Well, spotting those filthy heathen with goatees and neatly trimmed beards should be a snap, and I certainly think I know what a cotton-polyester blend looks like, so all those sinful bitches of Lucifer are going to hear God's wrath from me!"

Ziegehodensackesser's young daughter was then overheard screaming "Rot in hell, swine and/or lobster eater! Jesus condemns you to Satan's fury!" into her bedroom mirror for practice. Ziegehodensackesser admitted it would be more difficult to ferret out all sinners who have ever tasted the succulent but damnable flesh of pigs (Leviticus 11:7-8) or shellfish (Leviticus 11:9-12) come Disney Gay Day, but his flock would do their absolute best to make life miserable for anyone they even remotely suspected of this Hell-worthy activity.

"We were even thinking about making up some posters like 'Jesus Hates You, Rock Badger Eaters!' since we wanted to cover every one of God's laws at this event," he added. "But I guess that seemed a little silly, since probably no one there will have gone to the trouble of hunting, dressing, cooking, and dining on any rock badgers like it says you aren't allowed to do in Leviticus 11:5. But we'll keep an eye on that, and maybe look to add that next year if it becomes an issue."

Ziegehodensackesser further went on to name a number of other "abominations" his group of conservative Christians would be noting and denouncing loudly: "We'll be actively condemning and harassing any woman who grabbed a man's nads in an argument but didn't have her hand subsequently cut off (Deuteronomy 25:11) and any parents with a screaming, sassy brat that they haven't bothered stoning to death yet (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). And of course, at least in the King James version of the bible, it has that thing about people being slaughtered if they piss against walls (1 Kings 16:11), some people think that just refers to 'men' as a whole, but we think it's best to be sure, so we'll be on the lookout for any of those no-good frat-boy types. If they plan to piss on any walls at Disney, they may indeed face a major smiting by God!"

The only Biblical laws that will not be taken literally in order to condemn others are ones regarding adultery and masturbation, the protest leader announced. "Really, those two are just so screwy and weird and off the deep end, each individual must interpret them in whatever way seems most appropriate for them and them alone," he noted.