Monday, June 14, 2004

Boy Accidentally Defies ACE Code of Conduct

Gavin Darklighter, 16, is fearful that he will be kicked out of the American Coaster Enthusiasts due to an accidental breach of the ACE Code of Conduct.

"I can't believe I screwed up like that," said Darklighter. "I was hanging out at Hersheypark with some pals of mine. We'd had a good time riding the Comet and Great Bear and then Dan suggested we go to Sidewinder next. Well, I just naturally informed them that Sidewinder sucks c**k, like anyone with any common sense would. It just popped out."

He continued: "Well, that wouldn't have really been a problem, except Dan is the editor of my high school yearbook this year, and unfortunately that means I broke the rule where members of ACE aren't allowed to dislike any roller coaster, even if it chomps your ass and then comes back for seconds."

The rule to which Darklighter referred was Rule 4 of the ACE Code of Conduct, available on the ACE website snd sent by mail to ACErs each year when they receive their membership renewals three months late. In part, it states the following: "When interacting with the media, members are expected to speak enthusiastically about all parks and roller coasters."

"Damn," noted Darklighter. "I'm busted, ragging on a shitty coaster like that to the media. I'm positive I'll have my membership terminated."

In unrelated news, another ACE member, Wes Janson, 34, reported that he was also awaiting censure and possible expulsion from ACE, not to mention consideration for the dreaded Ban List, due to an article he posted on Coasterglobe two years ago where, in an otherwise positive review of Six Flags St. Louis, he opined that Mr. Freeze "licked."

Astroland to Theme Cyclone As "Ferlinghetti Lamborghini"

The management of Coney Island's Astroland announced yesterday that it would be closing the famed Coney Island Cyclone for an extended period to permit its retheming as the "Ferlinghetti Lamborghini," a combined coaster and dark ride.

"All the kids these days love that beat poetry of [Lawrence] Ferlinghetti and his contemporaries," said park spokesman Stephen Graham in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "They're constantly hanging around with their berets and their clove cigarettes flying off of our Break Dance. We've been trying for years to figure out how to exploit the massive modern appeal of beat poetry, and we've heard that Six Flags has been working on an Allen Ginsberg-themed walk-through attraction called "Howl," and we wanted to beat them to the punch. Then it came to us: Ferlinghetti wrote the classic anthology of poems Coney Island of the Mind! We knew we had the right approach once we remembered that."

The ride, to be designed and installed by Premier, will maintain the classic wooden coaster's structure while adding extensive dark ride elements. In one series of scenes, Billy Graham and Elvis Presley will exchange roles seriously; in another, an enormous father figure will be shown coming home with his pockets filled with irradiated silver dollars. In a special scene included only in evening "adult-only" rides, the American Boy will take off Beauty's clothes and get on top of her.

The new ride's dramatic finale will feature the rolling stock appearing to transform into a sweet desegregated chariot swinging low and carrying riders back to Ole Virginie.

Nathan's Hot Dogs is anticipated to be closed and replaced with a new location of City Lights Bookstore.