Friday, December 21, 2007

In a Battle of Idiots, We All Win

Yes, we're a little obsessed with JL57 and the Show Statecase Funpark Royal Republic of Kazakhstan. When Jack is away, we're sad; when he quotes us as a source, we love it. And we are amazed at how persistently he engages all comers, continually responding to everyone.

Until now.

Yes, indeed, Jack has apparently met his match in a borderline illiterate drugstore employee from Minnesota, one Colleen.

Go and enjoy this thread, in which Jack claims, just a tad implausibly, that Dayton, Ohio, has 17,000 hotels. The barely coherent Colleen points out the obvious -- that all he's doing is citing to Google's search results, but even that the search results in fact only have 40 or so results.

Jack then flips out, starting to delete all of her messages, ranting about complaining to Google. We didn't see all of her messages that got deleted, but they included links to some government page that showed that there are only about 60,000 hotels in the entire country (odds that over a quarter of them are in Dayton, Ohio? Anyone?). She keeps writing 'em, he keeps deleting 'em. Good times.

It's not every day you get to see someone this delusional flip out. Enjoy! It's our Christmas present to you.


Monday, December 03, 2007

Digital Camcorder Makes ARN&R Look Subdued, Mature

Behold: Here. You may want to turn down your sound. And perhaps turn off your monitor. Heck, consider just going for a walk while it plays.

That is all.


Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Life Again Has Meaning

Because Jack's back, baby, and State Showcase Fun Ron Paul Peckerwood Super Park or whatever is coming in a mere, oh, well, okay, it's never opening but holy crap it's good to have you back in full-on insane rambling mode, Jack! Tell us about Firehawk and Phoenix, Jack!

Tale of two coasters which were disassembled and reassembled.

Rocket/Phoenix coaster traveled over 1,700 miles to its destination which cost in total of $1,500,000.

Firehawk coaster traveled just 225 miles to its destination which should not cost any more than the same $1,500,000.

Kaivac1 that means that the cost of the Dora and Boots costumes must be $8,500,000.

I cannot make it any simpler!

No, indeed, you can't.


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Medical Community Battles Sudden Endemic Amongst Enthusiasts

Emergency rooms, doctor’s offices, and free clinics around the world are dealing with a massive outbreak of priapism this week, almost exclusively afflicting roller coaster enthusiasts. Priapism is a dangerous medical condition where the erect penis will not return to a flaccid state, which can result in permanent damage to the organ’s blood vessels, and in rare cases, gangrene.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire career.” said Dr. Don Petersen, practicing physician at the Aldrovani Institute For Erectile Dysfunction. “On average, we may see two cases of priapism a year, but I’ve treated sixty-one in the past week alone. Needless to say, we were quite concerned.”

As the number of afflicted nationwide soared to over five thousand, researchers began investigating the cause of this disorder. “The proliferation of patch-covered denim jackets, along with a general dearth of basic bodily hygiene, made it apparent that the ailment was localized within the coaster enthusiast community.” said Petersen. “Unfortunately, none of the victims were able to verbalize what triggered the malady. To a man, their vocabulary had been reduced to a series of near-feral grunts and groans. Naturally, we turned to Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors for assistance.”

Working in conjunction with Petersen, ARN&R identified several potential causes, including the recent releases of Halo 3 and the Transformers DVD, or the news that Britney Spears is flashing her cooter in public again. But in the end, it was the bank of supercomputers located in the sublevels of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Towers that finally identified the common denominator.

“ARN&R’s computer system determined that all of the infirm had used their computers to access this press release from the Amusement Safety Organization.” Petersen said. “The offer contained in the release was apparently so enticing to most enthusiasts, they…ahem…‘got wood’ that simply would not subside.

“How anyone of even the slightest mental capacity could take that seriously I’ll never understand. It’s like the old saying goes, there is one born every minute.”

Leaving the Aldrovani Institute after several hours of painful arm, throat, and penile injections, one enthusiast who declined to be named (Rick Bognar of 1993 Walnut Road, Terre Haute, Indiana, Thrillnetwork display name: Bognar316) stated “Ge ougha ma wai! I goga sahn up fo da fee tip u Kang Duminun ang Dorne Pahk!”


Thursday, September 13, 2007

Six Flags Finally Gets Priorities Straight

We’ve been assailed for months now about how Mark Shapiro and company are going to turn the Six Flags company around, and make it a safe and pleasant entertainment destination for families, children, and people of all ages. And nothing illustrated that more than an incident this week, where Great America employees ignored scores of line jumpers and bands of foul-mouthed teenagers to forcibly eject a patron who was smoking outside of a designated area.

“This is a great day, not only for Great America, but for the Six Flags chain as a whole.” said Brooke Gabbert, a public relations spokeswoman for the park. “This will send a strong message to anyone who mistakenly lights up in a non-designated area. We hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, and we will eject you from the park with no questions asked.”

Teri Melendez, the ejected patron in question, claims that she was never given the option to extinguish the cigarette or move to a designated smoking area. But according to Gabbert, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

“We have zero tolerance for these kinds of ‘mistakes’.” Gabbert said. “She’s lucky that that our crack team of employees didn’t break her legs or rough her up a bit on the way to the parking lot. I’d say she got off easy.”

Gabbert, along with the entire workforce of the Gurnee, Illinois park, was present at a medal ceremony for the two employees in question, identified only as “Jerry” and “Tim”. When ARN&R asked who was actually manning the park at this time, Gabbert told our reporter to “mind his business” and insinuated that a crushed Marlboro Light could “conveniently” appear near our feet at any time.

As expected, the forums at the Great America fan site SFGAMWorld came out in full support of the company in this sycophantic thread, where one poster boasts to have “been known to take cigarettes out of people's hands in line for rides and put them out on the ground”, and another states that Melendez “deserve(d) to die” for her hideous transgression.


Monday, September 10, 2007

Six Flags Stymied In Their Attempts To Rid Themselves Of Coasters

After nearly six years of complications, delays, and inordinate downtime, Six Flags is quietly making plans to rid themselves of their three Vekoma Deja Vu coasters. But ARN&R has learned of a snag in the park giant’s plans; Vekoma will not refund Six Flags’ money without the original sales receipt.

“It’s official company policy,” stated a Vekoma customer service representative who declined to be named. “We only accept returns for cash with a valid sales receipt. All returns without a receipt will be issued store credit, or the amount of value on a Vekoma Gift Card.”

And it appears that no amount of whining or cajoling on Six Flags’ part will alter Vekoma’s company policy. “Without a valid receipt, we have no way of knowing if the coaster was actually purchased from us,” the Vekoma rep went on to say. “It could very well be an Intamin product, or, heaven forbid, a Togo.”

“Of course it’s theirs!” responded a frothing mad Frank Kincaid, Six Flags’ Undersecretary of Finance. “The damn thing only worked for a few weeks at a time, who else’s could it have been?”

Kincaid admitted that he doesn’t have the receipt, despite looking “really hard” for it. He also acknowledged that it may have gotten lost under a massive pile of guest complaints about the chains’ Operation Spy Girl stunt show at Six Flags Great America.


Friday, September 07, 2007

Reasons We Wish We Were Still Kinda Paying Attention

1. We would have pointed out that a lot of the reason for ACE's high profile location for "gravy buffet" is, well, us. Look down in the footer. That's been there for a looong time.

2 . We might know what this is about, because it sounds pretty funny.

3. We would have made more of the Wild West World collapse, though we're still rather fond of the headline we did do on it.

4. We could have had a reason to visit ThrillNetwork's boards far more often.

5. We could have wondered far more often and loudly about the disappearance of JL57.

But, alas, we're not still kinda paying attention. Tough break, that.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Cedar Fair's Expansion of PKI Parking Lot Vending Runs Into a Snag

Like all amusement park chains, Cedar Fair is always on the lookout for a new profit center, whether it's on-ride pictures, premium parking, or paid line-jumping. Earlier this season, they thought they had a sure winner at Kings Island, one that might even make up for the bad press related to the loop removal on Son of Beast: Heroin sales in the parking lot.

"It'd be perfect for calming patrons down before they come in," said park spokesman Roger Machina. "And you haven't seen our fireworks displays until you've seen them on crank. Or so I'm told. I certainly don't know." So the park started its new project, retrofitting a Dippin' Dots cart, now called the "Rolling Smack Shack." Business was good, until unfortunately a NASCAR truck racer was arrested for possession of illegal substances.

"Turns out it's illegal," said Machina, shaking his head. "We had no idea. And we had huge future plans, including a celebrity tie-in, where we were in talks with Courtney Love to make the cart 'Kurt Cobain's Rolling Smack Shack.'"

Plans to sell actual handguns at the "Shoot 'Em Up" midway game have also been put on hold.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

More Details About Universal’s Wizarding World Of Harry Potter Emerge

The theme park world is abuzz with talk about Universal Orlando’s
Wizarding World of Harry Potter, due to open at the Islands of Adventure park in 2009. So far, the public has only been made privy to conceptual drawings and basic information about the new themed land. ARN&R, however, has managed to glean more details about this new endeavor.

-To entertain them while standing in hours-long queues, visitors will be groped by characters dressed as
Mundungus Fletcher.

-All lockers will be replaced with
Vanishing Cabinets; guests may or may not see their belongings ever again.

-The main form of internal transportation through the land will be on the
Knight Bus, a cramped vehicle that maneuvers at a high rate of speed seemingly without regard for safety of passengers and pedestrians alike. Universal will reportedly purchase the entire fleet of parking lot trams from Six Flags Magic Mountain for use as the Buses, as these vehicles would require little, if any, modification.

-Finally, each visitor will have the opportunity to gaze into the
Mirror of Erised, a mystical device which shows the viewer his or her greatest desire. Undoubtedly, most visitors will see themselves at Walt Disney World, some sixteen miles down Interstate 4.


Monday, June 25, 2007

A Serious Note

Our thoughts and best wishes go out to the victim of last week's unfortunate accident at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom and her family. We here at Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors hope for her full and complete recovery. Because of the tragic nature of this accident, we will abstain from any of the traditionally sardonic comments you've come to know and love.

Unless this is revealed to be a maintenance issue, in which case all of our guns will be blazing.


Monday, May 14, 2007

Breaking News About Hard Rock Park Coaster

In an ARN&R exclusive (must credit), sources have provided additional new details about the B&M coaster themed after legendary rock group Led Zeppelin.

While reports to date have identified the coaster as a traditional sit-down coaster, the trains will, according to high-level designers speaking anonymously, in fact have separate "Bonham rows." In the Bonham rows, patrons will ride in a prone position, facing downward with a large bucket directly below their heads. In addition, prior to boarding the trains, riders will be given four quadruple vodkas and a ham roll.

"This ride is all about getting the full Led Zeppelin experience," said one designer. "While we can't make one quarter of the patrons choke on their own vomit, we can give them something like the Bonham lifestyle."


Monday, May 07, 2007

Typo in News Report Causes Chaos in Coaster Community

A copy editing error in an AP story published online on Saturday has caused enormous confusion in the amusement park discussion community. In the original AP story, comments that were in fact made by Cedar Fair CEO Dick Kinzel were inadvertently attributed to Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro.

The trouble started when blogger David Plash posted a detailed criticism of the comments on his CoasterNalysis blog. Believing the comments to reflect Six Flags's strategic plan as laid out by Shapiro, and noting that it included a statement that incurring nearly $2 billion in debt to acquire parks was a wise move, Plash posted a blistering message, describing the use of debt to obtain new parks and to invest in new rides as "ridiculous, insane, moronic, and utterly lacking in business acumen." He further suggested that "Shapiro should learn something from Kinzel, who would never talk about taking on that kind of debt as a smart idea."

Approximately two hours later, the AP issued a correction, noting that the comments were actually from an interview with Dick Kinzel. Plash immediately retracted his post, stating that even with exactly the same comments on exactly the same subjects, Kinzel was brilliant while Shapiro was a moron. He concluded: "Doubleplusgood! War is peace!"


Friday, April 06, 2007 Branching Out

California-based announced today that it would, beginning immediately, launch itself as safety experts in the pharmaceutical, automotive, genetics, and heavy machinery industries.

"Within weeks, we expect to start getting quoted by oblivious reporters who spend no time considering whether we in fact have any qualifications," said a press release issued by the organization. "We can set up another website that would have maybe looked modern in 1995 within, like, five minutes, and start issuing self-important pronouncements a couple of hours later. No problem!"

Indeed, within two hours of the press release's issuance, the group distributed its first "safety alert" regarding the popular anti-cholesterol medication Lipitor. "One PharmaSafety member has reported that this product can cause dizziness if you smack yourself on the head very hard with the bottle. Another reports that the drug can cause discomfort if placed in the anus. Both report that their usage did not result in lowered cholesterol. We think this is enough information to declare the product a problem and to describe [Lipitor manufacturer] Pfizer as anti-consumer."

Similarly, the group urged "caution" in connection with the Toyota Prius, because "three out of four Prius drivers felt unsafe when drivng it at eighty miles per hour while drunk. Toyota clearly has different priorities than driver safety!"

When asked for their qualifications to evaluate the safety of pharmaceuticals, automobiles, genetic therapies, and heavy machinery, an organization spokesman said, "We are exactly as qualified to be a safety authority about those industries as we are about amusement rides."


Thursday, April 05, 2007

Six Flags Great Adventure Opening Day Brings New Technology

Visitors to Six Flags Great Adventure this week were greeted by the newest example of the company’s dedication to customer service; self-service kiosks at the parking gates. Guests can now conveniently use their credit or debit cards to pay the massive charges levied for the privilege of parking their vehicles in the park’s hellish domain of cracked asphalt. But not to worry, says Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro, most people won’t even notice the difference.

“It’s all part of our plan to fully immerse guests in the Six Flags experience,” said Shapiro. “Guests can expect the same high level of customer service from these soulless automatons that they would receive from their flesh and blood counterparts.”

Reports from the park state that the wait time for processing and admission to the lot using the kiosks averages at around twelve minutes, which closely mirrors the time invested with a human parking booth attendant. In addition, the kiosks randomly blow cigarette smoke into the interior of visitors’ vehicles, and a robotic arm dangles park literature just out of reach. Unsubstantiated reports also proclaim that some kiosks will spray vehicle doors with urine, and ignore waiting customers while carrying on long-winded conversations with other kiosks about American Idol.

ARN&R has learned that if this experiment is a success, Six Flags may explore the possibility of installing more robotic appliances in its parks. Rumored positions include Guest Relations androids who digitally record customer complaints and replay them back in a contemptuous and mocking tone, and automated restroom attendants who remain fixed in one place, moving only to thumb through a copy of Cherry magazine.


Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Kucinich to Hold Hearings on SoB's New Trains

Presidential candidate and Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) announced today his plans to hold extensive hearings on rumors about Cedar Fair's plans to replace the trains on the Kings Island coaster Son of Beast.

"I can't believe they're talking about replacing the trains with Gerstlauers," said Kucinich in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I mean, what are they thinking? Have they never ridden in them? They beat the hell out of you, especially if you're, um, of a smaller stature. They've got no padding, they track terribly, and they rip the heck out of the track. It's terrible!"

Senior Kucinich staffers confirmed that he had chosen the new subject of activism because all of the rest of the Democratic presidential candidates had, in his words, "stolen" his idea of being opposed to the Iraq War.

Immediate reaction from the enthusiast community was overwhelmingly positive. "It's about time!" wrote USAirTimeWayz312 at's forums. "Finally, a politician is paying attention to important issues!" Similarly, TheBigOhio69 posted that "Dennis Kucinich is savvily seeking the enthusiast vote, and I commend him for it!" on his blog.

Kucinich would not confirm that he was considering introducing legislation mandating an exception to the minimum height requirements on coasters for current or former members of Congress.


Thursday, March 22, 2007

Carlos Mencia Ejected From Magic Kingdom

Carlos Mencia, host of the Comedy Central show Mind of Mencia, was forcibly ejected from Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom yesterday by Disney Security. A press release issued by the Walt Disney Company confirmed that the beleaguered comedian was removed from the park for trespassing and conduct unbecoming a Disney Guest.

According to the statement, Mencia was present at the Magic Kingdom entrance around 6am, and upon official park opening, entered the queue for the park’s new
Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor Comedy Club. During the first performance, Mencia was verbally warned several times not to videotape the show, but chose to ignore the requests, leading to him being escorted from the attraction.

Mencia then allegedly gained entrance to the attraction again, disguising himself with a Goofy hat and a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses. ARN&R spoke to several Disney guests present during the incident, and gained some details of Mencia’s bizarre behavior.

“The pre-show was pretty neat, especially when they ask people to text in jokes that the monsters can use in their act,” said Ray Goering of Independence, Kentucky. “I noticed that that Mencia guy was moving around the room and peering over people’s shoulders to see what they were texting. He would do that, scribble something on a napkin, and then move on to someone else. And he kept talking to himself, saying something like ‘That’s gold, that’s gold.’ The guy was really creeping me out.”

After several complaints from guests, Disney Security once again escorted Mencia out of the theatre, and warned him further attempts to gain entrance to the attraction would result in his ejection from the park. Approximately a half-hour later, Security was summoned again, and found Mencia at the attraction’s exit, pressing an audio recording device up to a crack in the doorway. Mencia was then ejected from the park.

Unconfirmed reports stated that later that day, Mencia exhibited similar behavior at Epcot’s Honey, I Shrunk The Audience and the Animal Kingdom’s Pocahontas and Her Forest Friends. In both cases, Mencia fled before Disney Security could intervene.

Representatives for Mencia and Comedy Central refused to comment, saying only that Mencia is on an extended vacation in Branson, Missouri, where he plans to attend scores of performances at the Yakov Smirnoff Theatre.


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Bracket Picks Based on Favorite Coasters

It's March, time for millions of people, whether avid basketball fans or not, to enter in workplace pools, picking the winners of the NCAA Division I championship. Iowa coaster enthusiast Eric Locksley has what is undoubtedly a unique approach in how he selected teams for entering the pool at the local Old Country Buffet, where he has worked for the past five years. ("I love the discount!")

Locksley, who says the only sport he watches is curling, picks teams based entirely on the quality of the amusement park rides in their home states. A huge fan of Six Flags New England and Mount Olympus, he picked Boston College and Wisconsin to reach the championship game. Unfortunately, both have already been defeated.

"Damn!" he said, when reached for an interview. "I'd picked Hades to totally kick Superman's ass!"

Locksley's coworkers say they are perfectly happy to take his entry fee but that they wish he would stop talking about rumors about Arnold's Park getting a massive new hypercoaster.


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Addition of Tofurky to Turkey Whirl Fails Miserably

Holiday World is well-known, and deservedly so, for its friendly and welcoming nature. From Mrs. Koch greeting folks at the entrance to some of the nicest employees in the industry, it's just a plain cozy place to be.

So it should come as no surprise that the park would attempt to make its new turkey-themed Tilt-A-Whirl, "Turkey Whirl," welcoming to everyone, even vegetarians.

"But it didn't work, did it?" laughed park head Will Koch. "We thought we had the technology, the know-how, and the equipment, but we didn't count on what happened..."

As Koch tells it, the plan worked well during the bitterest cold. "The good people at Sellner had formed together about thirty Tofurky roasts, using Tofurky Jurky and 'Giblet' and Mushroom Gravy as adhesives, and somehow made it fit together in the exact shape of a Tilt-A-Whirl ride carriage. It went great when we first tested the ride -- it was about ten degrees out and the people riding the Tofurky Whirl seat loved it! The slight flexibility of products formed from water, vital wheat gluten, organic tofu (water, organic soybeans, magnesium chloride, calcium chloride), white beans, garbanzo beans, non genetically engineered corn starch, natural vegetarian flavor, expeller pressed non genetically engineered canola oil, shoyu soy sauce (water, non genetically engineered soy beans, wheat, salt, culture), spices, lemon juice, and calcium lactate from beets, actually made the ride a bit more comfortable!"

Things went awry, however, when the temperature rose above freezing for several days last week.

"We were doing some training for ride operators, so we started up the ride again. But..." Here Koch's voice trailed off, and he just shook his head quietly. But surveillance video obtained by ARN&R tells the rest of the story.

As the ride starts, all of the test riders (all new employees) are laughing and enjoying themselves, including the vegetarian employees who moved there from northern California. As the ride reaches its normal operating speed, however, bits of soy-based products start flying off, with Tofurky deli slices pelting the ride operator trainer and Not Dogs later being found as far as 100 feet away. By the time the ride came to a complete stop, the employees who were sitting in the Soy Seat were sitting in a small puddle of melted soy protein, safe but humiliated.

Koch says that he is putting on hold plans to offer vegan water ride tubes formed out of tempeh.


Friday, March 02, 2007

SFGAMWorld Forum Poster Sadly Mistaken

We here at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors wholeheartedly applaud the Six Flags decision to bring the Johnny Rockets hamburger chain to several of its park locations for the 2007 season. After all, what could be better for Six Flags than another understaffed counter-service restaurant with questionable nutritional value?

But as is the case with all earth-shaking announcements of this nature, incorrect information is bound to spread. Such is the case in
this SFGAMWorld thread discussing the possible location of the restaurant at Great America. In this thread, the poster known as “Aaron084” states that he won’t mind paying $2.50 for one of the eatery’s soft drinks, seeing as how they will be offered in an “all-you-can-drink” format.

“W-what?” asked a stunned Six Flags Chairman of the Board Daniel Snyder during an unsolicited telephone interview. “Someone actually thinks Johnny Rockets is going to have all-you-can-drink refreshments? And for two-fifty? You’ve got to be kidding me!

When ARN&R read the online statement to him verbatim, Snyder excused himself for nearly thirty seconds, during which hysterical laughter and coughing was audible. When he returned, he asked “Why don’t you ask Aaron084 if he’d like anything else in the 2007 season? Free parking, perhaps? How about friendly ride operators? Maybe restrooms that get cleaned more than once every moon cycle? I’ll tell Aaron084 what I tell all Six Flags patrons; if you don’t like the way we do business, go pound sand.

“Two fifty for a Coke,” Snyder muttered before hanging up. “You’ve got to be f---ing kidding me.”

(In addition, the SFGAMWorld poster known as
Cs5163 is the winner of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Obvious Proclamation Award for the month of February for her statement “heck even a resturant that is strickly buffet I would like”.)


Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Join ARN&R In Bidding Farewell To A Classic

It has enjoyed years of mammoth popularity. Millions have been sold. Odds are that you own at least one, or know someone who has purchased several. It is, without a doubt, the single most important piece in the rich history of coaster enthusiast apparel. It is the
Beast thong.

But as it is said, all good things must come to an end, even this icon of enthusiast garb. Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is retiring its most honored ass-floss, and would like to invite you to join us in celebrating the 2007
Beast Thong Farewell Tour.

Perfect for hours spent in front of a computer downloading POVs of Sally dark rides, or wedging oneself into Gerstlauer trains, the
Beast thong set the standard for comfort in enthusiast undergarments. It ranked #3 on Woollies Weekly Magazine’s “Most Influential Skivvies” list. And its fans included such notable personalities as Israeli artist Pamela Levy, World War II hero Christopher Lee, and Lunatic Wrestling Federation promoter Billy Whack.

The decision to discontinue the
Beast thong was not an easy one. In the end, however, ARN&R decided to let the wildly popular unmentionable sail off into history while still riding high. A worthy replacement for the Beast thong has not yet been decided on, but it has been confirmed that the new thong will not celebrate highly ineffective boycott sites.

And hey, while you’re over at
Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, why not spend some of your hard-earned income tax refund money? How about a stylish ARN&R clock, to remind you that it’s been nearly fifteen minutes since you’ve posted in an inane Coasterbuzz thread about Dollywood? Or a sexy women's ARN&R t-shirt for the (ahem) “special lady” in your life? And don’t forget about this bumper sticker to show the world that you support a futile cause.

(And heaven forbid anyone think this is a cheap stunt just to drive up sales. We here at ARN&R deride anyone using shameful ploys designed to artificially create a sense of panic among consumers. This time next year, the only time you’ll see a
Beast thong is if you peer into Chuck Nungester's bedroom window.)


Tuesday, February 27, 2007

ValleyFair changes name to Trim Brake Kingdom

Shakopee, Minn, Feb 27 - Under recommendation by Cedar Fair Entertainment Company--and their new ‘clear and sensible’ policy of renaming parks-- ValleyFair announced it will operate as Trim Brake Kingdom. The name change will transition throughout the park’s season beginning May 12, 2007.

Alan Schwartz, the park’s VP and general manager explained, “Frankly, we’ve always operated as the Trim Brake Capital. I’m sorry--of the PLANET,“ adding the final three words after a poke in the ribs from a CF board member we won‘t name. “Where do you start? Excalibur’s record-setting first drop brakes? The one that massacres High Roller’s return run? Let’s not forget we replaced a classic Schwarzkopf mouse with a ride sporting five times the trims,” he continued, bouncing in his seat while rubbing his hands with glee. “While the park name will change, our commitment to killing all forward momentum? Same as it always was.”

But that’s not the only addition guests will enjoy this season. “Screechy,” a six-foot tall walking--and often erratically halting--caliper brake mascot will debut at the park this season. The Gazebo Stage show musical, “STOP…in the name of What?” will move the audience with a medley of songs. Just not too much in one direction at any given time. And the IMAX theater’s new film, “The Ride is Coming to a Stop Again--Why, God? Why?” will explore the history and future of braking technology while the usual occupants nod to sleep.

Other Cedar Fair ‘clear and sensible’ name changes are bound to follow. Las Vegas’s Star Trek: The Experience is expected to add Clusterfuck: The Ultimate Ferengi Ripoff, which will actually be a large neon sign pointing to the admission booths. While Screamscape also reports the addition of ‘premium’ stalls for kicking one’s own ass after spending $40 for all of two rides, this may be little more than enthusiast fantasy.


Friday, February 23, 2007

Los Angeles Homeless Man Refuses To Live In Home Constructed From Psyclone Remains

He may live in a Whirlpool refrigerator box, said Los Angeles transient Andy “Rickets” Delaney, but he still has standards.

This week, Delaney rejected a Six Flags Magic Mountain offer to build him a mini-bungalow from the remains of Psyclone, the park’s Dinn Corporation wooden coaster. Psyclone is slated to be demolished later this year, and Six Flags decided to put the remains to good use by building several domiciles for the Los Angeles area homeless. But Delaney would have none of that.

“You gotta be crazy!” Delaney bellowed at ARN&R hack CMV during an interview over a bottle of Four Roses wine. “I used to live in the dumpster out back of the Hamburger Hamlet in Valencia. I know what that coaster did to people. No way am I living in a house made outta that wood! It’s cursed, I tell you! Cursed!”

Scratching his lice-infested scalp, Delaney continued. “I may be a bum, but I ain’t stupid. I would either wake up everyday with a splitting headache, or the whole damn thing would collapse on me some night. Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll take my chances out on the street with the weather, the wild dogs, and the gangs.”

“That was the last reaction I expected to hear,” said SFMM Public Relations Manager Karen Eden, when informed of Delaney’s refusal. “It’s a win-win situation for everyone. The park gets to free up some land for an exciting and dynamic new adventure, and that displaced man gets a roof over his head. I don’t see what the problem is.”

Showing surprising knowledge of the amusement park industry for a man who survives on fare scavenged from garbage cans, Delaney stated that Magic Mountain is fooling no one with their claims of an exciting and dynamic new adventure. He also stated that he’d rather eat off the floor of the Los Angeles Greyhound bus terminal than dine at the park’s new Johnny Rocket’s Express.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Amusement Park Music Composers to Picket SXSW

Most years at the South by Southwest Music Conference in Austin, Texas, the biggest crowds are those of wristband-clad fans trying to get into the hottest showcases at Emo's or the Austin Music Hall.

This year, though, they just might be outside the convention center, wearing signs saying things like "Riddler's Revenge Overture Rocks! Give Us A Panel!" and "I'd Like To See Anyone From Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Write a Medley of Today's Hottest Country Songs Without Going Crazy!"

That's because for the fifth consecutive year, conference organizers have refused to create a panel at the conference for the discussion of the writing and arrangement of music performed or played at amusement parks.

"We just want to get our due," said Hobson Fitchburg IV, who counts the background music of "Crackaxle Canyon" at various Six Flags parks among his credits, along with arranging the music performed by the marching brass ensemble at Valleyfair! in 1987. "We deserve to be recognized for our vital role in contemporary music and composition. While we're at it, some of the ensembles should really be given a showcase -- that'd be huge! Who wouldn't want to hear songs by The Fray, Daniel Powter, and Justin Timberlake performed by high-energy people with a sparkling pre-recorded background?"

Stephanie Hathaway, who says she arranged the "very special" version of the Halloween theme music played in the themed section of the same name at Holiday World, concurs. "We are just as much a part of the modern music community as anyone. If you don't think it's outrageous for us to be excluded, just ask yourself this question: Where would we be if the art community acted the same? You'd never see caricature artists or airbrush artists on display at the Met or Tate Modern or MoMA, would you? And wouldn't your world be just a little emptier?"

Both performers then had to end the interview to get back to perform for the 3:00 performance of the Hawaiian stage show at the Pittsburgh-area Conley Inn.

South by Southwest officials did not return repeated requests for comment.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Further Mission: Space Changes Revealed

Less than a year after the "kinder, gentler" Mission: Space was introduced, with the spinning action removed from some of the modules, Disney announced even more changes, adding what Imagineers called a "truly interactive component" to the underachieving ride.

"We've closed the attraction for approximately a week," said spokesman David Kumho. "But when it reopens, boy, it's going to be phenomenal!"

According to site plans obtained by ARN&R, each rider will, when entering the queue, be given a tan trench coat, a new steel mallet, a new folding knife with a 4-inch blade, 3 to 4 feet of rubber tubing, and large plastic garbage bags. Each rider will also be required to don a diaper.

The plans are unclear about precisely what follows, but it appears likely that patrons will be required to drive approximately 1,000 miles at the Richard Petty Speedway attraction without stopping before doing anything with the equipment given to them and prior to any opportunity to board the actual Mission: Space attraction. Additionally, it appears likely that the Mission: Space ride will have a waterbed and heart-shaped hot tub added, for reasons not yet disclosed.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the newly-revamped attraction will be sponsored by London Fog Outerwear, Hefty Bags, and Depends.


Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Camelot Theme Park Staffer's Date Disputes Press Release

The Camelot Theme Park recently announced a new coaster, declaring it, at 2,600 feet, one of the longest roller coasters in existence. The press release, written by one Barry Carlton of Lancashire, described the ride -- with a top speed of over 40 miles per hour -- as a white knuckle attraction with "world class thrills."

In a related story, Carlton's date last Saturday issued a press release announcing that "Barry Carlton is pathetically unable to judge length, the thrills related to length, the relative length of any given item compared to world records or even world averages, what it means to provide 'world class thrills,' or the necessary speeds required to provide satisfaction, much less thrills, to others. Also, it's really gross when his back hair gets caught in his chain mail. In short -- and I cannot emphasize the word 'short' enough -- he's clueless."

Carlton was unavailable for comment.


Thursday, January 25, 2007

Coasterbuzz Poster Creates Exciting New Variety Of Performance Art

For years, the phrase “performance art” has had a less than positive connotation, conjuring up visions of bizarre collections of unrelated parts or eccentric performances in poorly-lit galleries. An assortment of Mego action figure parts slathered in mayonnaise and stacked in a litter box would be said to symbolize mankind’s contempt for nature, while a grown man wearing a Rainbow Brite mask might play a children’s ukulele for five hours as a way to convey his festering resentment toward his mother.

That stereotype is a thing of the past, thanks to one man.

Art critics the world over are gushing about a new form of performance art created by Coasterbuzz poster Jason Hammond. Echoing the movements called "Fluxus" and "Dada" this new form of art is dubbed “grammer” by its creator and is expressed solely through the written word, and throws conventional rules and conventions right out the proverbial window.

“I’m not the type to frequent websites about roller coasters. Frankly, I think most of those people are vapid twits,” said Charles DuMonche, director of the DuMonche Art Gallery in New York City. “But this is an incredible breakthrough. I’m prepared to go on record saying that this is the most important innovation in the art world in the past one hundred years.”

“One only has to go to the thread itself to witness this work of genius firsthand,” said Andru Applethorpe, senior writer for Artiste Monthly. “Its beauty is in its deception. At first read of his work, you believe he is nothing more than a mouth breathing simpleton who confuses the words 'your' and 'you’re,' and constantly misspells the word 'believe.' But then, your world is turned upside down by the end statement, where he adds, '<edited for grammer>.' Only then do you realize that what you just read was created under 'grammer' rules, and it is you who are the one who appears stupid. I was floored.”

“Predicted to become the new standard in written performance art within three years,” said the notoriously-succinct art review website known as “Extra credit for intentional misspelling of word 'grammar.' Delicious irony.”

Jason Hammond, typical of most great visionaries, was unavailable for comment. ARN&R contacted Jeff Putz, webmaster of Coasterbuzz, in an attempt to confirm that Hammond is indeed a serious artist, and not just a dim-witted enthusiast with a shaky grasp on the English language.

“Don’t you go putting ideas in anybody’s head! Do you know how much I’ve invested in pop-up ads to sell 8x10s of this guy’s work?” Putz bellowed over the phone. “This is going to make me rich, do you hear me? Richer than Shapiro and Snyder combined!”


Thursday, January 18, 2007

Shapiro To Whore Out Every Inch Of Six Flags Parks In 2007

Following the blockbuster announcement naming Heinz the Official Ketchup of the Six Flags chain of parks, CEO Mark Shapiro announced today the largest collection of sponsorship deals in amusement park history. The collection involves hundreds of sponsors, and when implemented, will blanket every Six Flags park in existence.

“We’ve already got Official Pizzas and Official Ketchups of Six Flags, but why stop there?” Shapiro asked on a carbon-copied post on dozens of Six Flags fan site forums. “Now, due to these new sponsorship deals, our guests will be guaranteed nothing but the best experience at our parks.”

According to Shapiro, guests will see the changes immediately as Halliburton takes over as Official Parking Lot Operators of Six Flags, as well as becoming the Official Ticketing System Controllers of Six Flags and the Official War Profiteers of Six Flags. Other changes include Morton’s as the Official Salt of Six Flags, Sweetheart as the Official Napkin of Six Flags, and Black Oak Arkansas as the Official Restroom Muzak Band of Six Flags.

Conspicuously missing are any Official Cleaning Products of Six Flags. Shapiro states that the company is “already in a good place” concerning that situation.


Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Six Flags Characters: “We Didn’t Know We Could Hit The Little F---ers.”

Costumed characters at the Six Flags chain of amusement parks are aghast at the release of videotape that allegedly shows Walt Disney World character Tigger assaulting a young boy without reason at the Florida vacation kingdom. But whereas the general public is shocked by the nature of the attack, Six Flags’ characters see it in a different light.

“I had no idea that we could hit those little f---ers like that!” said a character at Six Flags St. Louis who would only allow himself to be identified as Daffy D. “Disney isn’t even making him apologize. I’m sure if he’d have known he was going to get off that easy, he would have drawn blood on the little bastard. Sufferin’ succotash!”

At Six Flags Great America, a character known as F. H. Leghorn agrees. “Ah say, ah say, it’s nice to see Tigger striking a blow for all of us characters. There’s been so many times that ah’d loved to have laid a backhand into some little child who’s been a-yanking on my plumage. Ah wish ah’d known about this years ago.”

The situation appears ready to escalate, as cryptic postings from someone known only as “Bugs B.” have been appearing in Six Flags employee forums all over the internet. In the postings, “Bugs” appeals to his character brethren to rise up “against the establishment” in the 2007 season, and strike back “on behalf of underappreciated characters everywhere." He goes on to promise that the midways “will run crimson with the blood of the great unwashed," and that he would personally be posting a generous bounty for every child’s tooth collected off the pavement.

Characters from other theme park companies, such as Cedar Fair’s Snoopy, Gulliver’s Theme Park’s Gully Mouse and Lotte World’s Papa Twunk declined to comment officially, although Kuku from the Jian Hu Shan amusement park did vigorously quiz this reporter about possible job openings at Six Flags.

Not surprisingly, this news caused very little stir at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California. “Big f---ing deal," said a character identified as Marvin M. “We’ve been raisin’ our pimp hands to these little punks for years, so this s--t is old news to us.”


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Enthusiast Comes This/Close To Getting Laid

In news that stunned the coaster community, a Lewisburg, Missouri enthusiast came this/close to engaging in sexual relations with a member of the opposite sex over the holiday season. Bradley Wolf, 26, was attending a party hosted by an acquaintance when the incident occurred.

“I was just minding my own business, looking through the host’s book collection to see if he had anything about Riverview Park or Coney Island,” Wolf said in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. “And then some hot little chick bumps into me and spills her Long Island Iced Tea all over my River King Mine Train shirt. She started apologizing and said how cool my “retro” shirt was, and asked if I bought it at Hot Topic. There was so much liquor coming off this girl’s breath, it made my eyeballs water.”

Wolf’s original plan to woo the tipsy young lady was quickly derailed. “I was just about to ask her what she thought about the loop being removed from Son of Beast, but she just started prattling on about a Nina Gordon concert she went to last week.”

As Wolf tells it, the topics of conversation began to veer wildly. “It was two minutes of how she hates people who watch Grey’s Anatomy, then thirty seconds about how she likes to rollerblade in the winter, and then a minute and a half about how Chris O’Donnell is the poorest actor of our generation. I kept trying to steer the conversation so I could talk about the new Euro Fighter going in at the Mall of America, but I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. She just wouldn’t shut up.”

Wolf goes on to claim that the woozy young woman grasped on to his arm for stability, and claimed that she thought guys who are good listeners were “cute." She then slurred something that would have been drunkenly incoherent to most, but was crystal clear to Wolf.

“She asked me if I’d like to find an empty room upstairs, so she could show me some positive g’s,” Wolf said. “But before I could do anything about it, a few of her friends descended on her like a murder of crows, saying there were some ‘real’ guys she had to meet. I never saw her again.”

Wolf plans to heavily embellish his near-conquest on all of the 27 coaster forums that he posts on.