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Enthusiast Comes This/Close To Getting Laid

In news that stunned the coaster community, a Lewisburg, Missouri enthusiast came this/close to engaging in sexual relations with a member of the opposite sex over the holiday season. Bradley Wolf, 26, was attending a party hosted by an acquaintance when the incident occurred.

“I was just minding my own business, looking through the host’s book collection to see if he had anything about Riverview Park or Coney Island,” Wolf said in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. “And then some hot little chick bumps into me and spills her Long Island Iced Tea all over my River King Mine Train shirt. She started apologizing and said how cool my “retro” shirt was, and asked if I bought it at Hot Topic. There was so much liquor coming off this girl’s breath, it made my eyeballs water.”

Wolf’s original plan to woo the tipsy young lady was quickly derailed. “I was just about to ask her what she thought about the loop being removed from Son of Beast, but she just started prattling on about a Nina Gordon concert she went to last week.”

As Wolf tells it, the topics of conversation began to veer wildly. “It was two minutes of how she hates people who watch Grey’s Anatomy, then thirty seconds about how she likes to rollerblade in the winter, and then a minute and a half about how Chris O’Donnell is the poorest actor of our generation. I kept trying to steer the conversation so I could talk about the new Euro Fighter going in at the Mall of America, but I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. She just wouldn’t shut up.”

Wolf goes on to claim that the woozy young woman grasped on to his arm for stability, and claimed that she thought guys who are good listeners were “cute." She then slurred something that would have been drunkenly incoherent to most, but was crystal clear to Wolf.

“She asked me if I’d like to find an empty room upstairs, so she could show me some positive g’s,” Wolf said. “But before I could do anything about it, a few of her friends descended on her like a murder of crows, saying there were some ‘real’ guys she had to meet. I never saw her again.”

Wolf plans to heavily embellish his near-conquest on all of the 27 coaster forums that he posts on.

--CMV